


A Matter of Trust

by Scutter



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dark, M/M, Renegade Commander Shepard, Sex, TWT, references to past rape/non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-08-12
Packaged: 2017-12-21 17:28:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 50,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scutter/pseuds/Scutter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan has just received the posting of a lifetime - he's been assigned to the legendary Normandy. But its Commander is far from what he expected, and as they investigate a strange series of events - mechs on multiple worlds are going rogue, killing people, stealing supplies - Kaidan must face up to his own disturbing past, and realise that not everything he believed in is true.<br/>Alternate Universe. Reapers don't exist, but everything else is pretty much the same.</p><p>In chapter 15: There's one last plot twist before we can finally wrap this up. Read on to discover what it is…</p><p>And thank you to all the lovely, lovely people who left comments. You brighten my day and inspire my writing. Thank you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You knew I was coming, right?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, let me give you the gist of this AU. Shepard is Commander of the Normandy SR-2. The crew is largely the crew of ME3, except that Ashley and Kaidan are both alive, and have served together previously. Ashley is serving on the Normandy, has been for years, and Kaidan has just joined the crew. He has never met Commander Shepard before.  
> There are no reapers in this universe. The Battle of the Citadel was, in fact, an attack planned and coordinated purely by Saren, and Shepard was the hero of the battle, saving the council and the citadel from his Geth army.  
> In the absence of their leader, the Geth have now retreated back into the Veil.  
> The rest will become apparent as we go along.

He was 35 years old. 35, and he hadn’t been on a date since he was 22.

Okay, so that wasn’t quite true. He had taken that doctor out for a drink on the citadel, two years ago. Tall, skinny man with a beard. 

Beards just didn’t do it for him.

Actually, nothing about the man had been terribly inspiring in the end, the conversation dull, the man himself unremarkable, those dull hazel-colored eyes, not quite brown, not quite green. 

And that awful, awful beard.

He’d only gone to make his friends shut up, to convince them that he wasn’t a complete recluse and did, in fact, have a social life.

And, having gone, he had felt free to declare the entire evening a complete waste of time and had never called the guy again. Had returned to duty, the ebb and flow of life aboard a space vehicle. Explore new planet. Check. Polish armor. Check. Clean gun. Check. Eat dreadful, hideous food in the mess. Check. Sleep, wake up, do it all again.

It wasn’t a bad life. It was, in fact, a life he had aspired to for years, spending his idle hours as a teenager dreaming of space travel, meeting aliens, high adventure among the stars.

And a part of him still insisted on chasing that dream, pursuing a vision that he no longer really believed in, playing the role of devoted soldier. While another part of him went through the motions, ate the food, snapped the sharp salutes only because he didn’t know what else he would do, if he gave this up. 

Because a part of him had given up the dream, years ago, when his CO, the man he had admired and trusted and would have followed into hell itself, had betrayed him in the most hideous way…

Kaidan cut the thought off sharply. Dwelling on the past never got you anywhere. Beside, that was all changing today. Or so he kept telling himself, with the part of his brain that still wanted to believe in the dream. 

Today, he was joining the crew of the SSV Normandy.

It was a ship of legends, the ship every soldier wanted to serve on. It was the ship that discovered new alien races. Opened new mass relays. Fought Geth on the Citadel.

And Shepard? He’d heard enough rumors about the man to write a book. Hero of the Skyllian Blitz. Saviour of the Citadel. And, if some of the vids were to be believed, a complete and utter lunatic. He had fought rachni, nearly gotten killed by them… and had then unleashed a rachni queen on the galaxy. Go figure…

But he was N7, the Commander of the Normandy, and serving under him would score him serious points on his service record.

Assuming he survived. 

After all, things around Shepard had a tendency to… explode. Most recently, he’d accidentally destroyed a 50 000 year old prothean ruin. Caused a volcano to errupt. And shot the human councilor to end a coup attempt on the Citadel.

He’d shot the human councilor. And people were calling him a hero. Sometimes, this galaxy was insane.

So now, here he was, standing outside the Normandy, waiting for Shepard to arrive and officially accept him into his crew. Anderson had arranged this, impressed with Kaidan’s service during a recent hostage situation – all hostages released unharmed and the aggressors taken into custody. That kind of service required a certain display of gratitude, he had said. Though he had then mentioned that Kaidan might not actually thank him for this. Shepard was… difficult. Brilliant, but difficult. 

Kaidan checked the time. Shepard had been due to meet him here half an hour ago. He checked his messages. Nothing. Checked the ship. Yup, the name ‘Normandy’ was emblazoned on the side. So he was in the right place.

But there was no sign of Shepard. He’d tried to call Anderson, but he was in a council meeting. No doubt trying to figure out who the next human councilor would be. Assuming they didn’t get kicked out for that coup attempt…

And so he paced, if only to stretch his legs a little. Stared out the docking bay window at the ships drifting past. Checked the time again.

And then, finally, the elevator opened, and Kaidan snapped back to attention, waiting to meet his new CO, to begin the next phase of his increasingly tedious career…

But holy hell, what stepped out of the elevator was not at all what he had expected. It was Commander Shepard, alright, but the man was a wreck, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, an N7 jacket slung over his shoulder. The t-shirt was torn, with blood stains over the left shoulder, there was soot on Shepard’s face, and he was carrying a chuck of metal, a little larger than a football, that looked like it had been fried with a flame thrower and then stomped on by a very large boot. 

There was another man with him, his chest thick with muscles, a tattoo creeping up his neck, carrying a chunk of what looked like a computer terminal over his shoulder – charred edges and broken wiring suggesting a violent end to its useful life, and on Shepard’s other side was a krogan. He tensed. Krogan, so he’d been told, could be… unpredictable.

They arrived at the airlock, and Kaidan snapped a sharp salute. “Commander Shepard, sir.”

The Commander looked him up and down, a frown on his face as if wondering why he was there. Shit, the Commander had been informed of his arrival, hadn’t he?

“Major Alenko, sir. I’ve been assigned to the Normandy.”

There was a pause. Then Shepard returned the salute, almost as if he had forgotten that he needed to do so. “At ease, Major.”

Kaidan attempted to ignore the Commander’s state of dress. Jeans and an N7 jacket were no kind of uniform at all… and was that… grass stains? On his jeans? Where did he find enough grass on the citadel to roll around in it?

The krogan gave him a once over and snorted. “Looks like they’ve given you another whelp,” he said, his voice almost a growl, and Kaidan struggled not to feel self-conscious. “Good luck with that. I need to get back to the squad and make sure they don’t set anything else on fire.”

“See you, Wrex,” Shepard replied. The krogan lumbered off. 

But Shepard was still staring at him, the man with the tattoos waiting patiently as if this sort of thing happened every day… who knows, maybe it did… and then Shepard activated his ear piece. “EDI? Do we have a new Major assigned to the Normandy?”

A light, female voice came back at them. “Yes, Commander. Major Alenko was assigned by Admiral Anderson. You have received three messages regarding his arrival. The latest one was marked ‘Urgent’.”

“Really. I’ll have to have a word to Traynor about that. I don’t remember seeing any of them.”

“I recall Specialist Traynor reminding you about the messages four times in the last forty eight hours, Commander.”

“Thank you, EDI,” the Commander snapped, shutting off the link, and Kaidan had to wonder what the hell he had gotten himself into. This Eedee, whoever she was, seemed to have a rather liberal view of the chain of command, if she felt she could reprimand the Commander of the ship in such a way.

Shepard looked him over again, and sighed. “Alright, I suppose you’d better come on board then.” It wasn’t the most enthusiastic welcome ever, but at least he hadn’t been told to fuck off. So Kaidan grabbed his bag – his armor and weapons had already been delivered to the Normandy… or at least, he hoped they had, and followed the two men into the ship.

Once the airlock had released them inside, Shepard turned to Kaidan and tossed the chuck of metal he was carrying to him. “Here, give that to EDI. You’ll find her in the cockpit. Tell her I want her to find out who hacked the programming. Then come down to the medbay, deck 3.”

“Yes, sir.” The chuck of metal was, on closer inspection, the damaged head of a LOKI mech, and Kaidan headed for the cockpit.

“Eedee?” he asked, not entirely sure why a pilot would be the one to examine the mech. “The Commander asked me to give you this.”

“Hello, Major Alenko.” His eyes widened as a mech stood up from the co-pilot’s seat and turned to face him. But it was not any kind of mech that he’d seen before, the detail extraordinary, the design most definitely made to imitate a female…

“Even though she’s a mech, the eyes are still in the head, buddy,” a voice from the pilot’s seat said, and Kaidan automatically snapped his gaze up. Eedee was waiting patiently, so he handed her the crushed head.

“Commander Shepard asked that you try to find out who hacked the programming in that thing.”

“It would be my pleasure,” she said. 

And he just had to ask… “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but… what are you?”

The man in the pilot’s seat snorted, but the mech didn’t look put out at all. “I am an AI, named the Enhanced Defence Intelligence, or EDI” she explained happily. “I was originally this ship’s computer, but this mobile platform is a recent addition. I am finding having a mobile body to be very enjoyable.”

An AI? In Citadel space? “Okay… well… I have to get down to the medbay. It was nice to meet you.”

“Welcome to the circus,” the pilot said, in that same droll tone, and Kaidan wondered just what he’d gotten himself into.

 

Kaidan found his way to deck 3 without any trouble. He’d always considered himself to be adaptable, resourceful… but the sight that greeted him inside the medbay succeeded in rattling him in a way he hadn’t been rattled in a very, very long time.

Commander Shepard was sitting on the examination table, shirt off, while a silver-haired doctor stitched up a nasty cut in his shoulder. But it wasn’t the cut that rattled him. It was the sight of that very strong, very male, very _bare_ chest… and the sharp blue gaze that was instantly fixed on him. Not that Kaidan hadn’t seen unclothed men before, but usually he had braced himself for it, knew it was coming, like when his squad was changing into their armor, or every time he walked into the shower room. And the disquieting mix of fear and desire was one that he had become used to, ignoring both sensations with practiced discipline.

But this time, the rush of desire was stronger, fast and insistent almost before the sight before him had registered.

And then the fear followed in its place, all the more powerful for having arrived late, and all the more potent because this was his CO… and Kaidan felt his heart rate pick up. But he held himself steady, waiting for the Commander to acknowledge him.

“If you’d put medigel on this in the first place, I wouldn’t have to be doing this now,” the doctor reminded Shepard, as he flinched from one of the stitches.

“I didn’t have any,” Shepard said, earning a noise of exasperation from the doctor. “What?” he protested. “I was meeting Wrex for lunch. How was I supposed to know I’d need a supply of medigel to go get a sandwich.”

The doctor merely gave him a disbelieving look, eyebrows raised.

“Oh, I am not that bad.”

“Apparently, you are,” the doctor said mildly, then finished the last of the stitches. “There you are, all done. You did at least take your gun with you, didn’t you?” she asked, and Shepard pointed to it, strapped to his hip. “Well, that’s a relief. You must be Major Alenko,” she said, turning to greet Kaidan. “I’m Doctor Chakwas. Welcome to the Normandy.”

“Thank you.” He breathed a small sigh of relief as Shepard put his shirt back on. “EDI’s working on the mech head,” he told Shepard.

“I checked your orders,” Shepard said, brushing at the soot on his jacket. “Turns out you are supposed to be here after all. So here’s where we’re at. I just went to meet Wrex – he was the krogan you saw, old friend of mine – for lunch, then suddenly a computer terminal explodes and a mech starts smashing things.”

“I’ve been told that sort of thing happens around you a lot,” Kaidan said, his voice deadpanned. It was hard to tell if the Commanders expression was an amused smirk, or an annoyed glare.

“So next,” he went on, ignoring Kaidan’s comment, “there are mercs and C-sec shooting at each other, and we _just happened_ to get caught in the cross fire. Turns out the terminal exploded because the mech had short-circuited it. C-sec blamed the mercs – Blood Pack, they were, but I’m not buying it because the vorcha don’t tend to get too up close and personal with technology. They’re more into shooting things. Keeps it nice and simple. So the surviving vorcha denied any responsibility, and I decided to have a look at the evidence myself.”

“You can do that?” Wasn’t confiscating evidence illegal?

“Spectre clearance,” Shepard explained. “It’s like a free pass to do whatever the hell you like, whenever you like. It’s working out really well for me.”

And somehow, that just didn’t make Kaidan feel any better. He’d seen the abuse of power up close and personal before… and never, ever wanted to go through that again.

“Come on,” Shepard said, oblivious to his disquiet. “I’ll give you a tour of the ship.”

 

 

Cortez stroked his cock in rhythm with Shepard’s thrusts into him. He was on his hands and knees on Shepard’s bed, his CO kneeling behind him, his grip on his hips tight as that commanding cock rammed into him again and again.

“Shit… fuck… oh, fuck…” The groan that followed signaled Shepard’s orgasm, and the man sagged against his back, his breath hot against Cortez’s neck. After a moment, he got off him, and Cortez felt him pull out. He heard the snap of the condom being pulled off, but he stayed where he was, still lightly stroking his cock. Shepard might be demanding and distant in bed, their sexual bouts vigorous and devoid of any real emotional attachment, but he was by no means a selfish lover. Cortez knew that very soon, Shepard would not only oblige him by getting him off, but would take some strange satisfaction in it, perhaps enjoying the power of the act, or perhaps he really was the man-slut he sometimes pretended to be.

He felt Shepard on the bed behind him again, felt the man pressing his knees further apart and batting his hand away from his cock, and then… oh, god, fuck, that was good… He glanced down and yep, sure enough, Shepard was lying on his back, head up between Cortez’s knees, and he’d just swallowed his cock right down his throat, sucking on it like it was a tasty dessert. 

Cortez moaned and let himself thrust gently into that hot mouth, feeling his climax build. He didn’t bother to warn Shepard when it came, and felt the man swallow around him, sucking harder, as if to savor every drop.

Spent, Cortez collapsed onto the bed, careful not to accidentally kick Shepard in the process, and he lay there catching his breath for a moment. But he wasn’t welcome to stay, he knew, and though Shepard would never be rude about it, Cortez knew he was just waiting for him to leave, so he could get on with whatever report needed to be filed, or whatever mission needed to be planned. This was not a relationship, Shepard had told him firmly, even before they had done this for the first time, and he supposed he was grateful that he had never been allowed to have any misguided expectations. This was just sex, a pleasant means of stress relief for them both, that in no way implied any kind of commitment.

And he was okay with that. After the death of his husband, he’d thought that maybe he should be looking for another relationship, something solid and stable… until he’d realised that his heart still belonged to Robert.

But he was still flesh and blood, and these irregular sessions, with a man he respected and trusted, were a good middle ground between romantic commitment and complete celibacy.

Pulling himself together, he got off the bed and started gathering his clothes. Shepard was lying on the bed, looking relaxed and rather pleased with himself.

“Oh, hey, I heard we have a new crew member,” Cortez said as he dressed himself, more to fill in the silence than anything. Shepard was not one for post-coital conversation, but Cortez always felt awkward as hell getting dressed in absolute silence, Shepard’s shrewd gaze watching him, so he opted for light commentary about the ship, the crew, the latest mission. Something to fill the void, but nothing of a personal nature.

“Major Alenko,” Shepard said with a yawn. “Apparently he did the Alliance some favor a while back, so they’ve decided to dump him on me. He’s got a decent service record, but I doubt he’ll be of much use until he manages to take that stick out of his ass. The man makes the turians look relaxed and congenial.”

Cortez chuckled, pulling on his boots. “Give him a few days. This place takes some getting used to.” He picked up his jacket and checked he hadn’t left anything behind. “G’night, Commander.” He let himself out of the cabin and called for the elevator.

 

 

As the door closed behind Cortez, Shepard allowed himself to slump back onto the bed with a deep sigh. He’d thought that a bout of vigorous sex would clear his head, but if anything, it had only made things worse. And then Cortez had brought Alenko up again, and reminded Shepard of why he’d been so desperate to fuck someone’s brains out in the first place. 

The first free moment he’d had after they’d arrived back at the Normandy, he’d checked out Alenko’s service record, and ‘decent’ could hardly describe it. He was a biotic – an extremely accomplished one – and a medic, he’d been awarded several medals for service or bravery, and most recently, he’d negotiated the safe release of hostages from a man who had never, ever before agreed to negotiate with anyone. Shoot first, then disappear had been the man’s SOP for close to a decade. But Alenko had talked him down, securing not just the release of the hostages, but the man’s surrender. There had been a few conditions attached to that surrender, but nothing too onerous, and given the havoc he had wrecked in the past, the Alliance was more than a little relieved to have him in custody.

But that wasn’t the only thing that had gotten his attention. In the brief half hour that they had spent together, he had gotten a good feel for the man’s character. Alenko was… solid. Stable. A counterpoint to his own recklessness and restlessness. And damn, the man had a fine ass. 

He had to be straight, though. Shepard was used to people flirting with him, whether it was members of his crew, reporters, shop keepers… half of it might have been genuine attraction, but the other half was more to do with his influence and power. Charisma, Chakwas called it, the natural tendency of people to gravitate towards him. And Alenko had seemed completely immune to it, those sharp, amber eyes watching him get patched up in the med bay without the slightest hint of distraction.

It was a damn shame. 

Shepard glanced down and let out a curse, seeing his erection returning rapidly, demanding more attention as his mind tossed out images of Alenko’s strong jaw and firm lips. And he wrapped his hand around himself and began to stroke, wondering what the Major would look like without that crisp, starched uniform on…


	2. Shades of Grey

“Okay, EDI. What have you got?”

Kaidan was standing at the conference table, the battered mech head in the center as the crew crowded around, eager to hear what EDI had to say. The crew were an odd collection. There was the guy with the tattoos, who he now knew as James, Garrus, the ship’s XO (a turian, on an Alliance ship? Really?) Liara (and okay, so he wasn’t into women, but wow, the asari were something else) and EDI. 

And, of course, Ashley Williams, standing next to him, as if for moral support. And heck, maybe he needed it. It had been a rough night, sleep elusive, his dreams disturbing, and he worked hard to pay attention, wishing he’d had time for another cup of coffee. 

He and Ashley had trained together after their enlistment, and the last time he’d seen her, she had been a Gunnery Chief, while he was a Lieutenant. Now, she was a Lieutenant, and he was a Major. But their friendship, for all that it had been put on hold for a few years, hadn’t changed, and Ashley couldn’t shut up about the Commander and how he’d finally given her the opportunities she’d been longing for. Active combat, a position aboard a space vehicle, and no second guessing her, just because of who her family was. The Commander was tough, she had said, but fair, and if any crew member worked hard and proved themselves, they earned the appropriate rewards.

“The mech did not suffer from a mechanical or programming failure,” EDI stated in that even, electronic voice. “The programming was hacked, but I have not been able to determine who hacked it.”

“Which says it was an expert,” Garrus observed.

“That is correct. I have also examined the computer terminal. It was used to open a security gate just before it was sabotaged. And you may be interested to know that a C-Sec Captain was murdered at the same time as the mech malfunctioned.”

“So are you saying the mech opened the security gate?”

“I cannot confirm that,” EDI said. “The terminal was damaged, so it was not possible to accurately correlate the timing of the security breach to a specific user.”

“But sabotaging the terminal would certainly have created a diversion to keep C-Sec occupied and allow the swift execution of the Captain,” Liara said, drawing the logical conclusion. “So whoever hacked the mech was also behind the murder.”

A thought occurred to Kaidan. “EDI, if we can get access to the security footage of that part of the citadel, would you be able to narrow down who was using the terminal?”

“Perhaps. It is worth a try.”

“The security cameras take snapshots every five seconds or so, so if they were quick enough, we might miss it even then,” Ashley pointed out. “But it’s worth a shot, right Skipper?”

“Absolutely,” Shepard agreed. “EDI, Alenko, you’re with me. Liara, see if you can find out anything else about the Captain who was murdered. Let’s move.”

 

 

Being a spectre had its advantages, Kaidan was quickly finding out. After a flat refusal from C-Sec to allow them to see the security footage, the Commander had simply declared that it was ‘spectre business’, and though the officer had clearly been unhappy about it, he’d led them through into a room with a wide bank of computers. 

“Yesterday’s footage in stored in this unit,” he said, pointing to one on the left. “The camera you want is number 1152.”

EDI immediately went to work, hunting down the time frame they were interested in, analyzing the dozens of faces in the room, while Shepard and Kaidan waited. 

And after a short time, Kaidan became aware that the Commander was watching him. He turned, expecting him to look away, but instead, his gaze met unflinching blue eyes, regarding him with a little more interest than he was comfortable with.

“Something wrong, Commander?”

“You seem remarkably adaptable,” the Commander said, but his tone was sharp, and Kaidan wasn’t exactly sure it was a compliment. 

“How so?”

“You’ve just joined a ship with a turian, an asari, an AI… and you’ve asked a lot of questions about protocol and how the ship is run, but you haven’t asked a single question about what the hell aliens are doing on an Alliance vessel. You haven’t asked me about my time with Cerberus – you must have heard the rumors,” he added, preempting any objection to the observation. “You haven’t asked about the stealth drive, and what the hell we’re likely to be hiding from. So I have to conclude that you’re either extremely ignorant, or extremely diplomatic.”

How should he answer that question, Kaidan wondered. The simple truth was that, while he had noticed the frequent digressions from normal conduct and strict protocol, he didn’t particularly care how Shepard chose to run his ship. It was a great career move to be part of the crew, an exciting opportunity to see how the ‘Saviour of the Citadel’ ran his ship… but to really be excited about that, Kaidan would have to care about his career a little more than he did right now. For the past few months, it had just seemed like a case of going through the motions, even more than he usually did. 

But that was not something he could ever tell his CO. Not if he expected to be allowed to stay on this ship.

“You have a reputation as a bit of a lunatic,” he said bluntly, having noticed that Shepard didn’t mince words, and deciding to take his cue from that. And he could tell that he’d surprised his Commander, if only for a moment. “But at the same time, whatever the hell you’re doing seems to be working. So I figured I’d just take in the view for a little while, see how things work without questioning them too much. And then maybe I’ll learn something, instead of thinking I already know all the answers.”

Shepard’s eyes narrowed, and Kaidan forced himself to continue meeting that steely gaze. And then Shepard cracked a smile. Not a sharp, sardonic smile, but a genuine expression of mirth.

And god, didn’t he look handsome when he did that. The look broke through the customary cynicism that he wore like a mask, leaving the whole atmosphere in the room lighter and more hopeful. 

Concentrate, Kaidan scolded himself. Okay, so his CO was hot. But he was here to do a job, not to swoon like a school girl. 

And then, as EDI worked on the console, something occurred to Kaidan. 

“Sir?” he said to Shepard. “Since you brought up questioning things… I don’t mean to second guess you, but when you told T’Soni to check up on the murdered Captain… wouldn’t it have made more sense to ask EDI to do it?”

Shepard chuckled. “The Normandy has more than a few secrets,” he said, his sideways glance hinting at just how deep those secrets might go. “If you want factual information, EDI’s the one to go to. If it’s on a computer system or a database anywhere in the galaxy, she can find it. But if you’re dealing with rumours, supposition and speculation… Liara’s the one for the job. Every time.” 

There was a pause… and then Kaidan realised that that was the end of the conversation. There would be no further explanation on just how Liara came by this information, and, he supposed, if he was going to learn these secrets Shepard spoke of, he was going to have to earn the right to them.

“I have narrowed the suspects down,” EDI announced suddenly. “There are two entities who may have opened the security gate. It is possible the mech was programmed to do it, which means a high level hacker was able to program the codes into the mech without being detected by the security system.” All the citadel mechs were linked to a central mainframe, designed to prevent such hacking attempts. “Or, there is a batarian who was using the terminal at approximately the same time as the mech. From the footage, it appears he is a member of the Blue Suns.”

“But you said the fight yesterday was with the Blood Pack,” Kaidan objected. “Why would the Blue Suns and the Blood Pack be on the same turf at the same time?”

“Because one of them wanted to frame the other,” Shepard concluded easily. “And given the nature of the attack, I’d bet that the Blue Suns are behind this. It’s just a little too clever for the Blood Pack. Come on,” he said, already heading for the door. “Let’s go make some new friends.”

 

 

And wasn’t Kaidan Alenko an interesting one, Shepard thought some time later, as he ejected a thermal clip from his gun and shoved another one in. It had taken exactly 3 seconds for a firefight to break out, the Blue Suns spooked the instant a spectre strode into their midst, and Shepard, Kaidan and EDI had dived for cover as bullets had started raining down around them. He watched as EDI knee-capped a turian – presumably so they could interrogate him later – while Kaidan took out three more batarians, one with a cryo blast, freezing him solid, and two with frighteningly accurate shots from his pistol. 

Alenko was not what he had expected, from their brief chat yesterday. He’d gotten the impression of a man who stuck to regulations, toed the line, did things by the book. But he was proving to be far more open-minded and flexible that he had expected. He wasn’t sloppy – Shepard’s earlier gripe about him being ignorant had been a ploy to rattle him, but he’d brushed the implied insult off, answering the question calmly and thoughtfully. 

And now, Shepard watched as he took out a human mercenary trying to flank them, before shooting another batarian about to launch a grenade at them. He was a capable soldier, able to follow orders, equally able to think on his feet and improvise… but he was beginning to get the impression that not much slipped past the Major. 

He’d have to keep an eye on that, see that he didn’t pick up too much information too quickly. After all, the Normandy’s crew was a tight knit group. Not just anyone could waltz in the door and expect to be made at home.

C-Sec had yet to show up, but he was sure they wouldn’t be pleased about more bullet holes in the walls. But the majority of the Blue Suns, it seemed, were more intent on fleeing than on fighting back, and the room cleared quickly, the last turian hobbling away, leaking blue blood from a chest wound, leaving the dead and dying in a messy pile on the floor.

Shepard cautiously broke cover and headed for the flailing turian EDI had taken care of. He took his gun away, broke one of his talons, and smiled down at him. “Just a few questions,” he said firmly, deliberately putting a touch of sadistic pleasure in his voice, “and then we can get you to the hospital to get those wounds seen to.” In truth, he had no interest in torturing captives. But C-Sec would be here momentarily, and they needed information fast. “Did the Blue Suns have any grievances with Captain Malero? And of course, you realise, that if you refuse to answer… well, you have five talons left.”

“No problem with the Captain,” the turian choked out. “We stay out of C-Sec’s way. Make no trouble with the spectres, either.”

“What about the Blood Pack? You had any problems with them, lately?”

“Vorcha?” Despite his pain, the turian seemed to be trying to laugh. “Too stupid to be a problem. Like swatting gnats.” He coughed again, and blood welled up his throat. Fortunately for him, C-Sec chose that moment to arrive, and they took over from Shepard, administering medigel to stabilize the survivors for transport to the hospital.

“Well, that was disappointing,” Shepard summed up the situation, as he rejoined EDI and Kaidan. “He seems to be telling the truth, so either he doesn’t know anything or the Blue Suns are actually not involved.”

He turned to leave… but Kaidan was staring at the bodies on the floor with a dubious expression. “You said the Blood Pack wasn’t crafty enough to come up with this on their own,” he said. “But is there anyone else who might benefit from helping them take out a rival arm of the Blue Suns? Someone to help with the planning and hacking?”

Damn it, if Alenko didn’t stop impressing him, Shepard was going to end up with a permanent hard-on. Seeing the man glow blue from his biotics, seeing the easy way he worked a battle field, had been distracting as hell during the fight. Stability, Shepard had thought yesterday, to counteract his own erratic nature. But maybe the Major was just as likely to bring out the worst in him. He kicked a downed batarian just for the hell of it.

“You head back to the ship,” he said, feeling annoyed, and not quite knowing why. “See if Liara came up with anything useful. I need to go visit an old friend.”

 

 

Shepard walked into Captain Bailey’s office like he owned the place. And, not at all put out by the interruption, Bailey greeted him with a cynical smile. “Shepard. I would say it’s good to see you, but it sounds like you’ve been busy lately.”

“Sorry about the mess,” Shepard said, not sounding the least bit sorry. “Still, it means there are a dozen fewer mercs on your ward. Probably a lot less than that, now, if they had the sense to keep running once they reached the airlock.”

“Aaah, but they’re like rats, you see,” Bailey griped good-naturedly. “Kill one, and they just breed more. So… what can I do for you?”

“Looking for information on the Blood Pack. We both know they couldn’t organise themselves out of a wet paper bag, but that doesn’t mean someone else hasn’t been doing a little agitating lately. Has there been any unusual activity? Tension between them and the Blue Suns?”

Bailey thought for a moment. “There’s the usual turf squabbles, fights over who sells Red Sand in which club, that sort of thing, but nothing out of the ordinary. Did you get anything useful from that mech that went bonkers?”

“No. EDI did her best, but whoever hacked that thing knew what they were doing.”

“Mercs teaming up with expert hackers, huh? Sounds like a bad day to be in C-Sec. But we’ve got some guys who are pretty clued up on that sort of thing. I know EDI’s an expert, but if you like, I could get our side to take a look at it. We might come up with something you missed.”

Shepard shook his head. “We can handle it for now. Let me know if anything else comes up?”

“Will do,” Bailey agreed. “But the offer’s there, if you change your mind.”

 

 

“Two batarians, members of the Blue Suns, were arrested for the murder,” Liara told the gathered crew a little while later. “They were found trying to flee the scene after the Captain was found dead, but they claim it wasn’t arranged by the Blue Suns. They were paid to do the job, a sum which was too good to turn down.”

“Who paid them?”

“They don’t know.” At the looks of disbelief around the room, Liara went on. “They received an encrypted request, telling them the time, the location, how the security gate would be overridden, and they received a hefty payment in advance. But no one seems to know who ordered the hit, or why. Not even the batarian who pulled the trigger.”

“And what about this Captain?” Shepard asked. “Was he into anything suspicious?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary. A C-Sec Captain has his hand in a dozen cases at any given time, but none of them seem unusual.”

“Commander,” Traynor broke in. “After your… encounter with the Blue Suns, a batarian ship left the Citadel in an awful hurry. I managed to track it. It went straight to the Minos Wasteland.”

“What’s the bet that one of these Blue Sun bastards knows exactly why the Captain was murdered?” Ashley threw in angrily. “No one takes a job like that without a good reason.”

“Agreed,” Shepard said. “Joker?”

“Commander?” Joker’s voice came through the comms.

“Plot a course for the Minos Wasteland.”

“Yes, sir.”

 

 

Down time between missions was… quiet. Kaidan had cleaned his weapons, checked his armor and read up on the Blue Suns and the Blood Pack. Both gangs had major operations in the Terminus Systems, but occasionally delved into Council space. And, being on the wrong side of the law, both could potentially benefit from the death of a C-Sec officer. The details of the gangs had been useful background information, but there had been nothing that might shed light on the current situation.

So now he was sitting in the mess, nursing a cup of coffee and contemplating Commander Shepard. He was an accomplished fighter, that was for sure. 

But the way those blue eyes had watched him during the battle… it would be easy to dismiss it as his CO simply assessing a new member of the crew, appraising his fighting skills. But something in his expression had been almost… predatory.

And then he had broken the turian’s talon. He hadn’t just threatened to do it if he didn’t talk – Kaidan understood forceful interrogation techniques, accepted that they were occasionally necessary, particularly when dealing with the criminal underbelly of the galaxy. But he’d just gone ahead and done it without a second thought.

And the crew followed him without question. EDI had hacked C-Sec’s database, Garrus had presented the Commander with a new gun – one he’d picked up during his down time on the citadel, and from the quick glance he’d gotten of it, Kaidan knew that the sniper rifle was decidedly _not_ a standard issue one – and so Kaidan had to wonder whether anyone ever tried to talk the Commander down, tried to aim for a strategy that was less explosive and more diplomatic. At first, he had assumed the turian would be the balance to Shepard’s manic energy… but he’d seemed just as inspired about the death of a dozen mercs as the Commander had been.

“Hey, Major.” Ashley sat down opposite Kaidan, her own cup of coffee in hand, and he realised he hadn’t even heard her come into the mess. Shit, he needed to get himself together. “So? How are you finding it?”

Kaidan chuckled. “I’ve been on board less than 24 hours, and we’ve already had a shoot out with a band of mercs, interrogated C-Sec, stolen valuable evidence and opened a murder investigation. I’m doing great. Really.”

“What, so you’d rather be documenting mould on some uncharted world? Come on, this has got to be better than your last post.”

And a part of Kaidan agreed, the part that liked to dream, the part that clung to his ideals and aspirations with inexplicable tenacity. The part that was currently replaying the image of Shepard in the medbay without a shirt on. 

Kaidan hastily slammed a mental door shut over that image.

“Shepard is, um…” Kaidan glanced around the mess, find that they were alone. But he lowered his voice none the less. “He’s a little… high strung.”

“Unbalanced, you mean? Nah, he just comes across that way on first impressions. Wait til you get to know him. He’s actually very disciplined. Extremely organised. You’d have to be, to keep the Normandy up to speed.”

“So organised that he didn’t even know I was coming?”

“Oh, hey… don’t take that personally. In the forty eight hours before you arrived, we raided a pirate vessel, blew up a small asteroid and negotiated a trade agreement with the krogan. So in his defence, we were pretty busy. It’s not always like that,” she added, seeing Kaidan’s disbelieving look. “A lot of the time it’s like this, quiet, dull, not much to do until we reach the next star system. Oh, and by the way, never play poker with James. He’ll fleece you for everything you’ve got. I swear he’s cheating half the time, but I’ve never managed to catch him at it.”

“We were trying to get information from one of the injured Blue Suns today,” Kaidan said, going back to the original topic. “Shepard broke his fingers. Talons. Whatever.”

“Hey, you’re not getting all squeamish on me, are you?” Ashley might have been joking, but there was a more serious undercurrent to the question. A marine who couldn’t stomach the job – a job that was decidedly unsavory at times – was no use to a war ship.

“He looked like he was enjoying it.”

Ashley stared into her coffee for a long moment. Then she sighed. “Look… Shepard is… We’re talking about the guy who stole a stealth war ship, kidnapped half its crew and flew a mission to Ilos that he’d specifically been forbidden from going on. But he did it because he knew that if he didn’t, the council would be killed and Saren would take over the Citadel. His methods are… unconventional. Brutal, even. But he does what he does for the right reasons.”

“So the end justifies the means?”

Ashley sighed, sat forward, and looked him in the eye. “Look, Kaidan. You’re a great friend. And a damn good soldier. But sometimes you see the world in black and white a little too much. Sometimes it’s not one thing or the other. And with Shepard… you absolutely have to learn to live your life in shades of grey.”


	3. A different way of doing things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan tries to bring out Shepard's paragon side. And the result isn't quite what he expected.

The Blue Suns base in the Minos Wasteland was deserted. They’d run into moderate resistance on their way in, but once the dozen or so guards had been taken out, there had been no sign of any further activity. 

The shuttle on the landing pad said that they had the right place, Traynor and EDI tracking the Batarian ship here, their pursuit undetected thanks to their stealth drive… But where were the rest of the mercs?

Kaidan, Shepard, and Liara edged their way into the storage bunker, weapons out, reflexes on a hair trigger… 

“Where is everyone?” It was Liara who spoke, the sixty four million credit question. 

“Stay sharp,” Shepard advised. “They can’t have gone far.”

They spread out across the bunker. Crates, fuel tanks, mechanical equipment. It was everything you’d expect of a mercenary base. Expect for the mercenaries-

“Incoming! Get down!”

Kaidan turned, seeing the grenade flying towards him too late, tried to duck-

Then a heavy weight tackled him from the side and he felt the grenade skim past his right ear, exploding as he crashed to the floor in the relative shelter of a pillar. The explosion had taken out his shields, but his armor had stopped the worst of the impact-

“Get your head down,” Shepard hissed at him, pressing his face into the dirt as bullets whizzed past them, and Kaidan was suddenly aware that Shepard was lying almost on top of him, the sensation alarming enough to block out the thunder of gun fire, the shouts of the Blue Suns, swarming into the bunker. There was a heavy male, breathing on his neck, pressing him into the floor…

Years of training and instinct kicked in, and Kaidan brought his gun up, taking out two mercs from his place on the ground. And then Shepard was gone, hurling grenades of his own, punching through armor with his shotgun, while Kaidan dragged himself behind some decent cover and started putting his biotics to good use. Over on the far side of the bunker, he saw Liara set up a singularity, blowing a hole in the Blue Suns’ defences, and almost before he knew it, the fight was over, the last echo of gun fire dying out, leaving his ears ringing.

His hands were shaking, his throat dry, his heart racing. He dragged himself up off the ground, gun at the ready in case any stragglers showed up…

“Clear,” Shepard announced. “You okay there, Alenko?”

Shepard was asking after him… and Kaidan forced himself to nod. Tried to forget the feel of a heavy, male body on top of his… he ejected his thermal clip and put a new one in… “Just winded, that’s all,” he managed to say, feeling like the words were choking him… the feel of Shepard pressing his face into the dirt… so like the feel of a meaty hand pressing his face into the dirt, 13 years ago… he paced across the room, fighting back nausea… “Get your head down,” Shepard had said, in an effort to save his life… “You stay down,” the man had said, a knee in his back to keep him there… “Crates of red sand, weapons,” Kaidan heard himself say, part of his mind working at least, as he perused the Blue Suns’ hoard, even while another part of his mind was in another time, another place, remembering rough hands and husky threats-

Enough!

“There must be another room through the back.” Kaidan managed to walk over to the door, scanning the room through the sight of his gun…

“Clear,” he said, leading the way into the office-like area.

“Well,” Shepard said with disappointment, following him in. “Looks like there was a back door, after all.”

A dim, narrow tunnel snaked away into the hillside. But no one suggested pursuit. On the Blue Suns’ turf, in a narrow space, there could be any number of hidden traps and ambushes. 

“Computer terminal,” Liara announced, already setting up a hacking program with her omni-tool. Moments later, she was in. “They received a request to take out the Captain, just like they said. One hundred thousand credits, paid in advance. No known sender.”

“Can you trace where the message originated?”

“Tracking now… It came from…” Liara sighed and lowered her omni-tool. “No luck. The tracer says it came from the Blue Suns’ base on the Citadel.”

“The Blue Suns sent an anonymous message to themselves? That doesn’t add up.” Kaidan felt steadier now, forcing his mind to focus on the mission.

“So either someone on the Citadel hacked the Blue Suns comms,” Liara speculated, “or someone within the Blue Suns wanted the hit carried out with no questions asked. A rogue member trying to claw his way up the ranks, maybe? 

“Either way,” Shepard concluded, “this is a dead end. But we know it was the Blue Suns who pulled the trigger, so this one gets pinned on them, and we declare it case closed.” Then he glanced up, and Kaidan wasn’t quick enough to wipe the grimace off his face. “Not happy with that decision, Major?”

His expression had had nothing to do with the assessment of the mission. But there was no way in hell he was telling Shepard that. “It’s your call, sir,” Kaidan said, trying not to sound argumentative. “I just don’t like leaving things unfinished.”

“Can’t win them all,” Shepard griped, kicking a desk just for the hell of it. “Let’s get back to the ship.”

 

Fuck, he was pissed off, Shepard thought, as the shuttle headed for the Normandy. He hated leaving things this way, no closure, no real idea who had called the hit. But with no further leads, they couldn’t just keep chasing around the galaxy hoping to get lucky. And they had more important things to be doing.

But shit, that had been a close one. Losing a member of his squad was awful at the best of times, but to lose Alenko only a few days after he’d arrived? 

It simply hadn’t been an option. He’d lost some good crew members back during the fight against Saren, and this time, he’d moved almost without thinking, tackling Alenko to the ground, putting himself at risk instead…

The man had looked a little green afterwards, but insisted he was fine. And Shepard doubted it was a near miss with a grenade that had rattled him. But like any good marine, he’d shaken the problem off, whatever it was, and Shepard had once again been impressed as he’d cleared half the battle field with his biotics. Not as good as Liara’s, certainly, but then she was an asari. He glanced up, wondering what biotic amp Alenko was using…

But just like he always did, Alenko felt him watching, and turned to face him. The man seemed to have a sixth sense about that. Which meant that, at some time in the past, someone had been watching him closely. And he’d had to learn to detect it to stay alive. An awareness of your surroundings was a good thing, but the kind of hyper-alertness Alenko was displaying told a story of its own. And he thought back to the mission. Confined space, narrow exit, surprise attack… it had pushed Alenko’s buttons, reminded him of something that had happened in the past. 

He seemed to be dealing with it well, and god knew Shepard had enough ghosts of his own haunting him, so he couldn’t hold it against the man. But just the same, he was inclined to find out what the problem was. If there was a weakness on his team, then forewarned was forearmed.

 

Two hours later, Shepard found Kaidan in the mess. Not surprising he’d be hungry, given the biotic display he’d unleashed, and Shepard grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down near him. Time to get to know the Major a little.

“Alenko.”

He received a nod in return, the man’s mouth full.

“I thought we might have a little chat, if that’s okay. I’ve been looking through your service record. It says you attended BAaT on Jump Zero before you enlisted.”

“Yeah. Spent a few years there.”

“How was it? Must have been exciting, being one of the first human biotics.”

Kaidan smiled, a tight expression that didn’t touch his eyes. “We were being trained by turians, just after they’d finished trying to kill us. It was rough.”

Hmm… okay, so not the best topic of conversation, then. Shepard tried to bring the conversation around another way.

“And you left in 2169? I heard it shut down, not long after that.”

“Yeah.”

“One of the instructors got killed, apparently.”

“Yeah.”

Okay, this was getting him nowhere. “Do you have a family?” 

“My parents are in Vancouver.”

“Any siblings?”

A shake of the head.

“Girlfriend?” Hopefully, knowing that the man was straight might help Shepard get these irritating fantasies about him out of his head. But no such luck…

“No.”

Shepard paused, then smiled wryly. “You just don’t like talking about yourself, do you.”

Alenko had the good grace to look faintly embarrassed… but then he said “No, sir,” and Shepard cursed inwardly. Even blank acknowledgement of his reticence wasn’t getting him anywhere. And what he really wanted to ask was what had spooked Alenko during the battle. But that wasn’t the sort of question you just leapt in with, without checking the water depth first.

But what Alenko’s problem? Shepard had made an effort to get to know each of his crew when they’d joined the ship, wanting to know who was watching his back, who he could trust, who had hang ups and who was going to have a problem with other members of the crew. 

And hell, over the years, he’d become damn good friends with a lot of the people on this ship. But Alenko didn’t seem to want to be a part of that.

“Okay, out with it,” he said, keeping his tone conversational.

“Sir?”

“What have you heard about me that’s got you spooked. Is it the Cerberus thing? The rachni? You don’t seem like the type to be stumped by hero-worship, so I don’t think it’s the Battle of the Citadel. So tell me. What have you heard?”

“I don’t have a problem with being under your command, sir.”

“For god’s sake, call me Shepard,” Shepard snapped, harsher than he had intended to. “That’s what everyone else calls me.”

“Shepard. I’ve heard a lot of rumors. One says you died and came back from the dead. Another is that you unleashed a rachni queen on the galaxy. One of the more recent ones is that you’re planning to cure the genophage. Apparently, there’s a bunch of scientists in a secret lab, just moments away from figuring out the cure.”

That, at least, was pretty close to the truth. But it was one of the things he liked to keep fairly quiet, if possible. “I wasn’t dead,” he said, deciding that that one was easier. “I was just badly injured and in a coma for a while, when the geth took out the first Normandy.”

“And Cerberus?”

“That was an infiltration assignment. I had to work with them until I gained the Illusive Man’s trust. And then I killed him.”

Kaidan chuckled, a small, private sound. “So trusting you does come with its dangers, then.”

Shepard sighed, though there was no resentment in the sound. “I’ve always put the wellbeing of the galaxy first. And the lives of my crew a close second.”

“Is that why you released the rachni queen?” Alenko asked, with something almost like censure in his voice – the first time he had shown any real emotion in this entire conversation.

“Would you want the extermination of an entire species on your conscience?” he asked softly, and Alenko looked away. 

“No.”

There was a pause, as Alenko continued eating, and Shepard sipped his coffee.

“I appreciate your impressive track record, sir. Shepard,” Alenko corrected himself. “But I still prefer to take my time when I’m deciding whether or not to trust someone. I’m sure a man in your position can understand that philosophy.”

Touché. Shepard stood up. “It was nice chatting with you, Major.” He dumped his coffee cup in the sink and turned to leave.

“Kaidan,” Alenko said behind him. 

“Excuse me?”

“Call me Kaidan. If I’m going to call you Shepard, it only seems fair.”

“Very well. Kaidan. I’ll see you later.”

Shepard strode out of the mess, annoyed, irritated… and feeling like he’d just had circles run around him by a man who should, by all rights, have been completely out of his depth. He’d told Kaidan plenty about himself, and gotten next to nothing back in return. Major Kaidan Alenko was becoming more and more interesting every day.

 

 

“You’re becoming quite the favourite,” Garrus observed dryly, as he followed Kaidan out of the shuttle two days later. They were in the Hawking Eta cluster, sent to try and reason with a ‘Major Kyle’, a former Alliance officer turned cult leader. “You’ve been on every mission we’ve had since you were assigned to this ship.”

“Just getting a feel for how he works,” Shepard said dismissively, checking the thermal clip on his gun. “I like to know who’s watching my back. Now, I know our orders are to end this peacefully if we can, but this guy has already killed two Alliance officers. It’s not looking good, so be prepared-“

“Shepard,” Kadian interrupted him. He’d read the report. An Alliance officer, suffering from PTS, championing a cause for a lot of desperate people. These people were confused, not violent, and using force was only going to get them all killed. And this was just the sort of situation Kaidan had been dreading, Shepard wanting to go in guns blazing, as was his SOP, and Kaidan sure there was a more peaceful solution. “Maybe we just need to talk to them first. Get a feel for what’s going on, hear their side of the story?”

Shepard looked at him quizzically. “They killed Alliance officers.”

“But that doesn’t mean we have to kill them.” And god help him, it looked like that option had honestly not occurred to Shepard. 

“So what would you suggest we do?”

“Let me talk to them. I’m not guaranteeing a peaceful outcome, but let me at least take a shot at it.”

Shepard looked at him skeptically… and then holstered his gun. “You seriously think you can negotiate a peaceful surrender?”

“I think we’ll never know if we don’t try.” Garrus was looking at him with confusion, while Shepard wore an expression of bemused indecision.

“Alright,” he agreed finally. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

The entire operation took less than fifteen minutes. Major Kyle was a head case, that much was certain. But convincing Shepard to give him an hour to explain himself to his followers was actually more difficult that convincing Major Kyle to surrender. And now, the Commander was pacing back and forth in front of the building while they waited for the Major to come out.

“He’s not coming,” Shepard said for the fifth time. “They’re probably barricading the doors, as we speak. Lining up with a wall of weapons to shoot us with. Not to mention their biotic abilities. You think you can take on twenty biotics?” he asked Kaidan, who just rolled his eyes. 

“He’s got another twenty minutes to go,” Kaidan pointed out, sitting as comfortably as possible on a rock. Garrus was standing nearby, gun at the ready, and he found it somewhat irritating that even the calm, collected turian didn’t seem to have any faith in Major Kyle. He’d come through a nasty situation and his mind had chosen to cope with it by creating a minor alternate reality for itself. But that didn’t make him an evil person. And his concern for his followers had been genuine. Why was everyone so eager to solve every problem with a bullet?

Finally, five minutes before his deadline, the door to the base opened and Major Kyle stepped out. Shepard and Garrus instantly had their guns drawn, but Kaidan stood up, making an effort to look calm and unconcerned. 

“You’ve explained everything to your children?” Kaidan asked, ignoring the two gun-happy soldiers.

“Yes. They have accepted what must be. I will come with you now.” 

“I need to search you for any weapons,” Kaidan cautioned him gently. “Do you understand that?”

“Yes. But I am unarmed.”

Kaidan made the search swift but thorough, coming up with nothing. They escorted Kyle to the shuttle, and then to a waiting Alliance vessel, keeping him under guard for the three hours it took them to reach the rendezvous.

And it was not until hours later that Kaidan finally caught up with Shepard. He was coming out of the elevator, intending to head for a hot shower, when he found his Commander standing in front of the memorial wall on deck 3. Kaidan had spent a good long while staring at the thing himself, memorizing the names, wondering over each one, what sacrifice they had made, which battle, which enemy had struck them down. A few of the stories had been provided by Joker. A few more by Liara. But some, it seemed, were still too fresh, and no one was willing to open the wounds again quite so soon.

But to see the Commander standing here was something of a surprise, and so Kaidan paused, stepping forward just enough that Shepard would know he was there.

“I hadn’t realised,” Shepard said, at length. “It’s so easy to get so focused on the mission. But look at these names. Helen Lowe. We never found her body. Robert Felawa. He’s officially still listed as MIA.” He sighed, a sad, heavy sound. “The biotics in Kyle’s base. They could have been people on this wall. They could be people still missing, presumed dead, with families waiting to hear from them, hoping they’ll come home one day.” He turned to Kaidan, a strange, unreadable expression on his face. “And we could have killed them today.”

Kaidan wasn’t sure what reaction he had expected from Shepard for his insistence on doing things the peaceful way today. Optimistically, he’d hoped for a curt ‘thank you’, or a begrudging ‘job well done’. He’d braced himself for a lecture on being soft, on the unnecessary risks he had taken, getting the three of them to walk through a compound full of biotic lunatics.

But this… this was something he had never expected. And he had no idea how to respond to it.

“Thank you,” Shepard said finally. “For showing me another way.” He turned back to the wall, tracing one of the names with a reverent fingertip. “And the lack of an ‘I told you so’ has also been noted,” he added, his tone sardonic, a strange contrast to his words of gratitude.

And still, Kaidan wasn’t sure how to respond. “You’re welcome,” he said finally, hoping it wasn’t the wrong thing to say. And then he headed for the crew quarters, for a change of clothes and a towel. And braced himself as he headed for the men’s bathroom, wondering if anyone else was already naked under the shower spray.


	4. Tension (or Is that a bio-amp in your pocket?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew take a trip to Omega. And Shepard gets Kaidan a little hot under the collar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm totally abandoning any attempt to match ME timelines. I'm mixing events from ME1, 2 and 3, mixing weapons systems and armor from the three games... basically it's whatever I feel like at the time. But then again, I did warn you this was an AU. I just hope it all makes some kind of sense.

“Shepard!” Liara burst out of the elevator into the CIC, worry written all over her face. “We have a problem.”

“Conference room,” Shepard ordered, stepping away from his private terminal near the galaxy map.

“Alenko, Traynor, you’ll need to hear this too,” Liara barked out, and Kaidan abandoned his work at another terminal, following the group hastily into the rear of the ship.

“I’ve been monitoring comms chatter from various worlds,” Liara explained, once they were all together. “And it seems the mech we found on the Citadel wasn’t the only one that’s been hacked. Mechs all over the galaxy have been going rogue, stealing supplies, opening security locks. On one colony they killed two security guards. And they’ve even taken over an eezo mine.”

“Anyone claiming responsibility? Blackmail demands? A manufacturer willing to admit a programming fault?”

“Nothing,” Liara admitted forlornly. “Plenty of theories, a few threats from the people affected, but no one’s certain about anything. The manufacturer has issued a recall on recent models, but they’re not the only ones affected. Mechs from four or five years ago have been reprogrammed as well.”

“What about any common links between these incidents,” Kaidan asked. “Pirates? Mercenary groups? Trading partners?”

“I’m still running a few analyses, but so far, nothing obvious has come up.”

“What about the Blue Suns,” Shepard asked. “They were the most likely suspects in the first incident.”

“A lot of the rogue mechs have been in the Terminus Systems, but that doesn’t prove anything one way or the other. The Blue Suns were spotted on three of the affected sites, shortly after the malfunctions, while Eclipse mercs were seen on two others. But since the Terminus Systems are their territory anyway, that could just be a coincidence.”

“And let me guess,” Shepard said darkly. “No one has been able to trace the source of the hacking.”

“That is correct,” EDI’s disembodied voice said suddenly, and Kaidan had all but forgotten her presence. She was all through the ship – she was the ship, in a lot of ways – but he’d gotten used to equating her with the mobile platform she preferred to use. “I have traced the origin of a number of the mechs involved, and there appears to be no common denominator. However, a number of the units recently passed through Omega.”

“Omega, huh?” Shepard’s sudden interest in the name was unexpected, and Kaidan tried to remember what he had heard about the place. It was a den of crime, drug trafficking, illegal weapons development, mercenary groups running rampant. What the hell did Shepard think they were going to find there? But this was Commander Shepard, he reminded himself, the man who befriended Cerberus, who was rumored to have links to the most wanted thief in the galaxy, who was quite possibly defying the council itself to help the krogan cure the genophage. Of course he would have links to Omega. He’d probably even helped the notorious Aria T’Loak take control of the crime-riddled cesspool. There had been a miniature war there lately, he seemed to recall, a power struggle between crime lords, and the latest news was that T’Loak was back in the top job.

“Joker?” Shepard said, a canny glint in his eye. “Plot a course for Omega. It’s time I went to visit an old friend.”

 

Kaidan stood by the airlock with Ashley, waiting for Shepard to arrive. Yet another mission he’d been chosen to attend, and the constant shuffle of the other crew members hadn’t escaped his attention. It seemed that Shepard was deliberately putting him with each of the crew to see how he reacted, how they worked together. 

Given where they were headed this time, it was a small relief to have Ashley with him. Omega was well outside his experience, the Alliance rarely, if ever setting foot inside the Terminus Systems, and he knew he could count on her to give him a shove in the right direction if he did anything inappropriate.

“Ready to go?” Shepard arrived, checking his shotgun before clipping it to his armor. 

“Yes, sir,” Ashley answered, while Kaidan settled for a nod. 

“Remember,” Shepard said to Kaidan, as they stepped into the airlock and waited for the pressure to equalize. “This isn’t Alliance territory. You have no authority here, and if you start a fight, you can bet your life that Omega will be the one to end it.”

“Noted, sir. Who exactly are we seeing here?” Shepard still hadn’t bothered to fill him in.

And the Commander merely chuckled at the question. “We want information on the dealings of two major mercenary gangs and illegal activity spread right across the sector. There’s only one person in Omega who could give us that kind of intel.”

“Aria T’Loak,” Kaidan concluded, and Shepard quirked an eyebrow at him. 

“You’ve been doing your homework. I’m impressed.”

“A friend of yours, is she? I can’t imagine she’d hand out that kind of information to just anyone.”

“No one is ‘friends’ with Aria. But we have a certain professional respect for each other. And she’d never admit it, but she owes me a favor.”

The airlock hissed, then opened into a dingy docking bay. 

“While I think of it,” Shepard asked as they stepped out into Omega, “what bio-amp are you using?”

“A Polaris IV.” The look on Shepard’s face was one of utter disdain, and Kaidan felt vaguely offended. He’d been impressed with it, a vast improvement to the Solaris V he’d had before. “It was the best one I could afford-“ 

“It’s a piece of shit,” Shepard said firmly. “You seriously pull the moves you’ve been doing in battle with one of those?” He spun Kaidan around, examining the amp at the base of his skull. And Kaidan felt the light touch of his fingers against his skin… a strange, tingling sensation shot down his spine, and he managed to suppress the shudder. But, for the first time in over a decade, the touch of another man – of _this_ man – held no negative associations. It was… strangely arousing, actually, and he was shocked more by his own reaction to the touch than by the touch itself.

“We’re buying you a new one,” Shepard declared. 

“I can’t afford-“

“No, but I can,” Shepard dismissed his protest even before he’d spoken it. “Come on. I know a couple of merchants in the market. They’ll give us a good price.”

“Because they like you, or because you’ll beat them up if they don’t?” It was the most insubordinate he’d gotten so far… but even as he wondered what kind of reaction he’d get, Shepard was already grinning, leading the way out of the docks and into the main plaza.

“You assume the two are mutually exclusive,” he said, with a hint of mischief.

Omega was exactly what Kaidan had expected – a blend of species, a complete lack of order, illegal deals going on in shady corners while the entire place had a worn out, grimy feel to it. They weaved their way along narrow walkways until they came to a shop, the words ‘Harrot’s Emporium’ in neon letters above it. An elcor stood behind the counter, and Shepard strode straight up to him.

“Harrot. Been a long time.”

“Cautious greeting: Hello Shepard,” the elcor droned. “Optimistically: Can I interest you in purchasing anything today?”

“I’m looking for a bio-amp. Something a little bit special. I heard Serrice Council has come up with some interesting developments lately.”

“Regretfully: Serrice Council does not allow imports of its fine products into Omega. Doubtfully: Can I interest you in a Kassa Fabrications amp instead?”

Shepard grinned, a dangerous expression with just a hint of cruelty to it. “You’re a resourceful trader, Harrot. Surely a few little regulations wouldn’t stop you from stocking quality products.”

“Nervous objection: I do not wish to provoke anger, but I do not have the item in stock. Serrice Council deals sternly with traders who defy their regulations.”

“That’s a shame.” Shepard looked around, seeming momentarily at a loss. “Did that couch I found for you smooth things over with Aria?”

“Suspiciously: She was grateful for its return. How is this relevant?”

“Oh, it’s not. Not really. I was just thinking… since you and her were getting along so well, it would be a shame for her to find out that you were supplying weapons to her competitors.”

“Indignant alarm: Even if untrue, such a rumor would be hazardous. Reluctant capitulation: I have a Savant IX amp. I will sell it to you with a discount.”

Kaidan watched as an obscene amount of money changed hands, and then Shepard handed him the amp. “Try it out,” he encouraged, when Kaidan did nothing more than look at it. 

Cautiously, he reached up and unplugged his amp, connecting the Savant in its place. He felt the change immediately, the surge of energy through him insistent and sharp, and he almost longed for a fight, just to test it out.

“Be careful,” Shepard cautioned him, already heading for their next destination. “I hear they have quite a kick. Come on. Let’s go see Aria.”

Afterlife was thrumming with energy, thumping music, flashing lights, the erotic sway of dancers, and Kaidan hoped they wouldn’t have to spend too long here. The combination of noise and light was guaranteed to set off a migraine, and he hated the idea of missing out on any of this. The enthusiasm surprised him – just days ago, he’d been blasé about this ship, this crew, this mission. It was a long time since he’d felt any actual excitement about his life, and he realised that it was a good feeling. One he wouldn’t mind more of.

He took the time to look around as they weaved slowly through the crowd. He told himself it was because he needed to know the layout of the place, the exits, any hidden corners where troublemakers might lurk… but another part of him was just enjoying the atmosphere. It was vibrant, energetic, exuberant. All the things he had missed out on in his younger years, due to the insistent headaches. Clubs had definitely been out, as was anything that involved loud noises, sudden jerky movements or bright lights. Even going to see vids at the cinema had been known to trigger a migraine, and sometimes he wondered whether he’d been born a recluse, or whether he’d learned to be one out of sheer self-preservation.

The asari dancers were no surprise – they seemed to show up in clubs in all corners of the galaxy, but there were also a few humans among the mix… and with a jolt, Kaidan realised that several of the dancers were men! Scantily clad men, covered in glitter, as nubile and erotic as the best of the asari.

“Well, well,” a voice in his ear said, and he jumped in surprise as he realised Shepard was standing right beside him, watching the same dancer that he had been. “I didn’t realise you swung that way.”

“I don’t,” Kaidan denied instinctively. “I just hadn’t realised humans danced in these places. Usually it’s asari.”

“But I notice you’re not watching the asari,” Shepard said, a faint challenge in his voice. “Regardless of how… energetic they are.” An asari near them was hanging upside down from a pole now, her generous cleavage bulging out of her barely-decent top.

“I’m not interested in ogling dancers,” Kaidan said, wishing they could move on. But until Shepard led the way, he didn’t even know which direction they were heading in.

“That flush on your cheeks says otherwise,” Shepard teased, and Kaidan felt his face heat further. Humans had become a lot more open to same-sex relationships in recent history, but prejudices still lurked. As he could attest to personally. “This one, though,” Shepard said, turning back to the male human, “he’s a little light weight for my tastes. I tend to go for something a little more…” He turned to Kaidan, his blue eyes almost glowing. “…solid. Athletic.”

“Shouldn’t we be finding Aria?” Kaidan said through gritted teeth. It wasn’t just that the Commander was standing so damn close to him. It wasn’t the jarring realisation that his CO was flexible in his choice of partners – for all his commentary on the man, his eyes also kept wandering back to that buxom asari… It was also the fact that Ashley was staring at the pair of them with her mouth hanging open – he had never told her he was gay – and the unwelcome and utterly disconcerting pressure in his groin, pressing uncomfortably against his armor. And he could suddenly picture Shepard kissing him, imagine how he would taste, how he would feel, and holy hell, he needed to get out of here.

“There’s no rush,” Shepard protested, but Kaidan ducked away from him, meeting his gaze with a glare. 

“You want to hang around, get a drink, cozy up to the entertainment, that’s fine. But if you want to whisper sweet nothings in someone’s ear, you need to pick someone else.”

Shepard’s expression was blank and unreadable. And then he smiled, a dangerous, vaguely menacing expression. “Let’s go find Aria.”

He led them to the back of the club, to a set of stairs guarded by a batarian. And then he turned to Kaidan again. Fortunately, this time, he was all business.

“Do not attempt to speak to Aria,” he warned him “Only speak to her guards if they speak to you first. They’ll probably try to push you around, but remember, you answer to me, not her. She’s a crime lord. She respects strength and obstinacy. Which, thankfully, I have an abundance of. But even so, she’s going to be playing hardball. So pay attention, keep your mouth closed, and don’t be afraid to threaten people with your gun, but don’t pull the trigger unless you’re ready for the mother of all shitstorms.”

“Got it,” Kaidan said.

And he wasn’t all that surprised when he heard Shepard mutter, “Let’s hope so.” Kaidan wondered briefly why he’d been brought on this mission if it was so damned important and he was so far out of his depth, but he didn’t have much time to ponder the idea, as he was following Shepard up the steps, past the guards, and into Aria’s own personal inner sanctum.

“Aria,” Shepard greeted her, and she looked up with a bored expression, not bothering to return the acknowledgement. “I see you’re getting things back to normal.”

“There’s no such thing as normal on Omega,” she said dryly. “People start thinking that, and they’re just asking for a knife in the back.”

Shepard stepped forward to sit on the couch – not too close to Aria, Kaidan noted, and he took his own lead from Ashley, who was standing at parade rest, alert to the handful of guards watching them. 

“I didn’t think I’d be seeing you around here again,” Aria said, the question belying her apparent disinterest. “Now that you’re back with the Alliance.”

“I’m looking for some information. On the Blue Suns.”

Aria smirked. “All work and no play, hm? You look tense, Shepard. You need to get laid.”

“I’m working on it,” he returned swiftly, and Kaidan felt his face heat again, praying Aria wouldn’t notice. 

“Let me know what you’re looking for, and I’ll set you up with something nice.”

Shepard smirked. But otherwise ignored the offer. “Someone’s been hacking mechs, getting them to steal supplies, access security codes. There’s been rumors of Blue Suns involvement, and I want to know who’s behind it.”

“Hacking mechs? That sounds more like Eclipse than the Blue Suns.” She turned to one of her guards. “Bray? Why don’t I know anything about mechs being hacked?”

The batarian was at a loss for words for a moment. “I’ll look into it immediately,” he said, then hurried away down the stairs.

“Leave it with me for a day,” Aria told Shepard. “If it’s got anything to do with Omega, I’ll know about it by tomorrow. If it doesn’t… you’re on your own.”

 

Shepard stalked out of Afterlife, feeling far less happy than he should have been. Aria had agreed to cooperate, with surprisingly little resistance – okay, so he had helped her take Omega back from Cerberus, but with Aria, a favor only went so far – and he was on his way to visit Mordin, to check up on the progress of the cure for the genophage. It had taken some very hard reasoning to get the STG operative to work with him. But it had paid off, his brilliant scientific mind relishing the challenge of undoing the medical curse.

All things considered, he should have been in a glowing mood.

Instead, he was feeling frustrated, rejected, confused… and horny. So Kaidan was gay. Or at the very least, bisexual, given the way he’d been ogling those male dancers. But he’d also put a very firm foot down, refusing to even consider the possibility of ‘relieving tension’ with Shepard. Even Cortez, with his lingering grief and idealistic notions had been less defensive when Shepard had approached him with a suggestion of a decidedly non-platonic nature. Of course, Cortez had asked him to dance first, had been open and shameless about being gay, where as Alenko was still mostly in the closet, if their brief conversation on the dance floor was anything to go by. Hell, maybe he was even still in denial, hoping that he’d wake up one day and find himself attracted to women…

But that was beside the point. Alenko was not interested in him. And he had plenty of other avenues for sexual release – Aria’s offer to set him up had not been an idle one, and as they passed the dancers, Shepard briefly considered taking her up on the offer… before realising that the gyrating asari were not at all what he wanted. The rejection shouldn’t have stung, shouldn’t have bothered him. Certainly shouldn’t have resulted in the lingering sense of remorse and awkwardness at having propositioned a crew member quite so indelicately…

But maybe it was the way Kaidan had shaken the incident off that was bothering him so much. No sideways glances, no subtle flirting, signaling a change of heart… 

No, he was a dedicated soldier. An asset to the team. 

And Shepard should stop wallowing in his self-interest, and get on with the task at hand.


	5. Making Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Shepard's advice, Kaidan decides to make some waves. With an asari. In Afterlife. Seriously, Kaidan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter out! Thank god for weekends.

Mordin Solus was a disaster waiting to happen. Shepard nodded to the nurses as they made their way into the medical center, Mordin’s non-stop chatter already audible as a harmless background noise, accompanying the hum of machinery and the low conversation of patients waiting their turn.

Harmless, that was, until you got close enough to make out the words.

“Hmm… Could attempt gene therapy to neutralise inflammatory response. No, would cause photosensitization. Counteract with potassium supplements… no, could cause cardiac failure. Perhaps taking the wrong approach. Would removing the organ altogether be better?”

“Mordin? Getting into trouble again?”

“Shepard! Presence on Omega unexpected. Not getting into trouble. Never did much of that without your assistance. Batarians have contracted minor virus. Not deadly but causing painful swelling in lymph nodes. Synthesizing cure.”

“And how about your other… projects? Any progress?”

The salarian narrowed his eyes briefly… then looked Kaidan up and down. “New crew member. Tactful inquiry. Hmm… suspicious.” Nice to know he’d figured that much out. But then, Mordin always was sharp. “Progress is steady. Have solved immune related issues. However administration is… problematic. Still working on alternatives. Expect we’re three or four weeks away from project completion.”

And didn’t that put Shepard in a good mood. “That’s sooner than I expected.”

Mordin gave him a pleased smile. “That’s why you chose me. Had to be the best.”

“Do you need anything? Supplies? Volunteers?”

“Test subjects comfortable. Cooperative. Medical supplies plentiful. Security adequate. Nothing more required. Except…”

“Yes?”

“Nothing. Personal. Minor detail.”

“What do you need?”

“Had collected fossilized animal matter from Intai’sei. Left it on the Normandy. Was intending to run tests on it, but was distracted by… more pressing issues. Would very much like to have fossils back. If you still have them.”

“Most of your lab was packed up after you finished your work. But Chakwas managed to salvage a few things. I’ll see if she’s got them tucked away somewhere.”

“Much appreciated.” A loud crash was heard from the next room. “New assistant. Batarian. Not particularly graceful. Excuse me. Must assist. And then scold.”

Mordin hurried away, humming quietly to himself.

 

“Kaidan.” 

Kaidan turned around as Shepard came into the starboard observation lounge. On returning to the Normandy, Shepard had asked to speak to him in his cabin. And after his behaviour in Afterlife, Kaidan had flatly refused, and suggested this room instead.

“Shepard.” The door closed, shutting out the rest of the crew. “So Mordin is the scientist who’s curing the genophage, right?”

He thought Shepard was surprised by the observation… but it was hard to tell. “I was wondering whether you’d figure that out.”

“So that was some kind of test, was it?”

“Not exactly. I just like knowing how sharp my crew are.” There was a pause, which Kaidan felt absolutely no inclination to fill. If Shepard wanted to talk, then he should start talking.

“I owe you an apology for my behaviour in Afterlife,” Shepard said finally. And it was the first time Kaidan had seen him show anything like embarrassment. “It was inappropriate.”

“And the thing that gets me,’ Kaidan snapped, “is that it took you three hours to figure that out.” 

“No, it took me about fifteen minutes. But I didn’t think blurting that out in the middle of Omega would be a great idea.”

“And yet you still thought it was a good idea in the first place. You’re in the habit of sleeping with your crew, are you?” The silence was telling. “Oh, god, you are!” He didn’t want to know which of them specifically. And mentally cringed at the thought of it being Ashley. Surely the girl knew better…

“I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, well, you did.”

“I’m sorry.”

Kaidan didn’t quite know what to do with the apology. “Look,” he said, trying to put his feelings into words, without letting too much slip. “I don’t… I don’t take that sort of thing lightly. Intimate relationships, I mean.” What he meant was sex, and how could he, when his last experience of it had landed him in hospital for three months. “And it seems you take things a fair bit more casually than I do, so I think we should just keep our relationship professional.”

“Relationship?” And somehow he’d managed to piss off his Commander once again. Shepard went from abashed to indignant in 0.32 seconds flat. “What relationship? We don’t have a relationship, Kaidan! I’ve tried to get to know you, I’ve explained my past to you, when you’ve bothered to give a shit about it, but you won’t let me in. You don’t talk to me. You won’t talk to me about your family. You won’t tell me about BAaT. You spend your down time in here, by yourself, doing goodness knows what… I’ve tried to help you get to know the crew, taking you on missions with them, but you don’t talk to them, either. Aside from Ashley, who seems to think you’re the best thing since sliced bread, but damned if I can figure out why. Most people would give up major body parts to be on this ship, and that’s not boasting, that’s just the plain facts, but you don’t seem to give a damn. Why didn’t you ask about the genophage in front of Mordin? He could have told you anything you wanted to know. Most humans don’t get to spend much time with krogans. You’re not even curious about them? What the hell do you want, Kaidan? And what the hell are you doing on my ship?”

Kaidan was stunned. He’d clearly misread the entire situation. “I was… trying not to make waves,” he said haltingly. 

“This is the Normandy! Making waves is what we do.”

And then, for the first time since he’d set foot on this ship, Kaidan suddenly realised that this was where he wanted to be. Since he’d arrived, he’d seen more, learnt more, _felt_ more than he had in years. And yeah, a lot of it was making him uncomfortable as hell. But even that was a vast improvement from the numb disinterest he’d felt for so long.

And Shepard… the man was an enigma, a strange jumble of contradictions. Reckless, but strategic. Brutal with his enemies, but generous and attentive to his crew. Shades of grey, Ashley had said. And Kaidan realised that he’d spent so long expecting people to betray him that he’d unwittingly put Shepard into that basket without ever really giving him a chance. He had a lot of ground to make up. But there was no reason he couldn’t start right now.

“I hated BAaT,” he said, grabbing onto the first opening he could think of. “It was supposed to be research for the benefit of humanity, but in reality it was a bunch of retired turians bullying human kids because they were still pissed off about the war.“

And then he told Shepard about Rahna. About Vyrnnus. About killing his own instructor and inadvertently being the kid who got the program shut down. And damn if Shepard didn’t look impressed by that.

“See, you do know how to make waves,” he said with a teasing grin, and Kaidan couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m not deliberately avoiding the crew,” he added, wanting to explain. He’d wanted to spend some time with Liara, but she’d closeted herself in her room when they’d gotten back from their mission together. Maybe he should have just knocked on the door and interrupted… “I have an L2 implant. I get off pretty lightly with it, but I get severe migraines. So yesterday when the crew were playing poker and drinking beer, I was sitting alone in the dark, hoping my head would stop feeling like it wanted to explode.”

“You’re an L2?” Kaidan nodded. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.”

“It’s in my record.”

“I must have missed that bit.”

Kaidan cracked a small smile. “That’s okay. You’re only human.”

And then Shepard burst out laughing. “Most people are convinced I’m part krogan.”

“Yeah, I could see how that could work.”

 

 

Later that night, Kaidan ran into Ashley as he headed out of the crew quarters. The crew had finished dinner and were looking for some entertainment for the evening. Omega, on the other hand, was just getting started, the clubs getting crowded, the shadier side of life coming out to play. And that’s where Kaidan was headed, where he wanted to be.

Well… maybe _wanted_ was an overstatement. It was where he had decided he should be, regardless of the timid voice suggesting maybe a good novel and a cup of herbal tea might not be better. 

Ashley, on the other hand, had clearly been hitting the booze already. 

“Kaidan! Shit, I’ve been meaning to talk to you… You sly dog!”

“What?”

“You’re gay. How have I known you for, what, seventeen years, and never known that?”

Speechless would have been an understatement, and he grabbed her arm and yanked her into the starboard lounge before she could announce the fact any louder. “What the hell are you talking about? I’m not-“

“I saw you with the Commander. And way to go, by the way. Not everyday someone manages to get his attention. He’s into you.”

“I was under the impression he already had someone panting at his leash,” Kaidan said, aware that he sounded catty. 

But Ashley waved off the idea. “Pssh, yeah, but that’s just real casual. But you seemed to cheer him up no end this afternoon.”

“What?”

“He came out of here all perky and smiley. After a good, long chat with you. And you seemed to be getting hot under the collar, back in Afterlife.”

“Who’s he with?” 

“What?”

“The Commander. Who’s he sleeping with?” God, let it not be Ashley…

“Cortez. You know, the shuttle pilot?”

A man? His CO was sleeping with a man? The rush of relief Kaidan felt was bizarre, given his feelings about fraternization, given his history and the interest Shepard had shown in him… but all he could think was that if his CO was actively gay – or at least bisexual – he couldn’t hold it against Kaidan for being the same way. The flirting in Afterlife had been a big hint, but having it confirmed really made it sink in.

And the incongruous thought came that he should make an effort to get to know Cortez.

“What do the other species think of same-sex relationships?” he asked suddenly. 

“The asari are mono-gendered, so they don’t really understand the concept of male and female. And Liara’s never shown an interest in anyone on the ship, but then again, she’s pretty young for an asari. Only just over a hundred years old, I think.”

“And turians?”

“Why? You got a thing for Garrus?”

_What?_ “No!”

“I’m just kidding. Geez, calm down. I don’t know what they think of it. Oh, hey, but don’t go snooping around EDI. Don’t know if you’re into mechs, but Joker’s already staked his claim on that territory.”

Really? What the entire ship hooking up with each other?

“I’m heading out,” he told Ashley, hoping she wouldn’t suddenly decide to come with him. 

“Have fun,” she said cheerfully. “I’m going back to the port lounge. James is trying to convince Traynor to play strip poker with him. I just want to watch while he gets shot down.”

 

 

Kaidan forced his legs to carry him into Afterlife, dreading what he would find there, but determined to see this plan through. Make waves, Shepard had said. And that was the only way this part of his life was ever going to change. He’d been down the avoidance route, the play nice, fly under the radar route. And thirteen years on, he was still as scared as ever, flinching at innuendo and half-hearted flirting like a school girl.

He was sick of himself, sick of being afraid, sick of hesitating and second guessing and yearning for something he could never have. Sick of spending his entire life unable to enjoy sex.

It had to end.

And this might not be the best way to end it, but it was one of only two options he could see at the moment, and the other was absolutely, definitely, no way in the world going to happen. Shepard might be willing, but there were a thousand reasons not to go there.

The asari dancers were as energetic as ever, and Kaidan approached a table with one of them gyrating on top of it. The table was vacant for the moment, so he sat down… and used his omni-tool to tip the woman. Generously. 

She grinned at him, putting a little more sway into her gyrations…

“How much for a little something extra?” Kaidan asked, before he could think better of it.

The asari smiled at him. “Three hundred credits for the… personal touch. Five hundred for whatever you like.”

“Let’s stick with three hundred,” he said, making the transaction on his omni-tool. And then it occurred to him that he didn’t have a clue how these things worked out. Where were they supposed to go? She wasn’t going to do it in public, was she?

But the asari climbed gracefully off the table and held out her hand. “Come with me,” she said, her voice sultry and smooth in a way that did absolutely nothing for Kaidan, and he willingly followed her, finding himself in a small, dimly lit room in the bowels of the club, a short while later.

“So what would you like?” the asari asked, still gyrating as she stood in front of him, and Kaidan swallowed nervously. Was he really going to do this? Well, yeah, three hundred credits said he was. 

“I want you to touch me,” he said, aware that his voice cracked near the end. “Just your hands. Nothing else.”

“And where would you like to be touched?”

She ran a finger down his chest, weaving an ‘S’ shape as she did so… so he took her hand and led it to his groin. “Here.” 

Christ, was he really doing this? 

Make some waves, Shepard had said. 

The asari undid his belt. Unzipped his fly. And in the dim light, she looked almost human.

“You sure you don’t want me to touch you with something else,” she offered, a little while later, and licked her lips. 

“No,” Kaidan choked out. He was barely hard, having trouble maintaining an erection, despite her no doubt extensive experience. “Just your hands.”

“You seem a little tense,” she said softly. “There’s no one else here. Just close your eyes. Let yourself enjoy this. You can pretend it’s someone else, if you like.”

And so he did. Closed his eyes, felt the wall at his back, solid and reassuring, and tried to lose himself in the sensations. Remembered the feel of Shepard, touching his neck. Remembered the warmth of his breath in his ear. _I didn’t know you swung that way._ Imagined what it would be like to kiss him, his rough stubble scraping Kaidan’s face… imagined it was his hand, stroking up and down, cupping his balls, tugging his pants further open…

“Aaah, fuck!” Kaidan came hard, the first time he’d done so at the hands of another person in over a decade, his legs trembling, head thrown back, mouth open as he panted for air…

And when it was over, the asari politely put him back inside his pants. 

“Thank you for visiting Afterlife,” she said coyly. “I hope you come back again soon.”


	6. I don't like seeing you like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cortez has words with Shepard. And then a mission goes bad. Really bad.

Cortez checked the armory’s inventory. He’d been able to pick up a few new weapons’ upgrades while they were in Omega, and he needed to make sure everything was catalogued properly before he unpacked the delivery.

But out of the corner of his eye, he couldn’t help noticing James, standing at his work station, humming softly while he concentrated on something…

What was he still doing here? It was late, and they were within range of some very willing asari, so he would have expected the man to be ‘out on the town’, so to speak.

But James had been doing that more and more lately, hanging out in the cargo bay instead of heading off for what passed as a social life on the Normandy. Chatting with Cortez more. Casting a few odd looks his way, now and then.

But it was nothing specific, nothing obvious, and Cortez hadn’t felt like he was able to call him on it. Couldn’t exactly pull out a ‘you’re working too hard’ when he himself was putting in regular 14 hour days. And he refused to complain about his colleague ‘looking at him funny’. That would just sound childish and petty.

But something was up with James, that was for sure.

“You’re not heading out tonight?” he said finally, unable to ignore the man any more. “I would have thought you’d be spending some time at Afterlife.”

“Nah. The Commander said his shotgun was pulling to the left in the last mission. I checked it out and the barrel’s damaged. I need to have it ready to go for the next time he wants to smack someone in the face with it.” That, at least, was a decent excuse for staying in. “And hey, is it me, or has Loco been acting a little more… loco than usual lately?”

“In what way?”

James thought about that, then revised his question. “Okay, so maybe it’s that he’s been _less_ crazy. Which is still odd. You know, for the Commander. He didn’t start any fights in Omega. And he hasn’t gotten drunk in at least a week. Not even on poker night.”

“Since the Major came on board,” Cortez said. Alenko had come down to the cargo bay earlier, not to check on his armor and weapons like he usually did, but just to chat. And he’d come across as a very grounded sort of person. Just the type they needed more of, on this flying circus. “I think he’s having a good influence on the Commander.”

“Heh. I didn’t know it was possible to influence the Commander. “ And then there was another one of those sideways not-quite-looks, and Cortez had suddenly had enough of them.

“What?” he demanded. 

“What?” James shot back.

“What was that look for? It’s like you want to say something, but you never quite get around to it.”

“It’s nothing. None of my business.”

“But you’re worried about something, and since we live in a tin foil shoebox in the middle of a vast vacuum, I’m inclined to know what’s on my team-mates’ minds.”

James made a grumbling sound. “Okay. It’s just… you and the Commander.”

“What about it?”

“It’s none of my business, and if you’re happy with it, then that’s fine. But the way Ashley tells it, he’s been working pretty hard at getting into the Major’s pants.”

“Yeah, I’d heard. I don’t think he’s going to have any luck, though. Alenko seems pretty straight to me.”

James shrugged, turning back to his work. “What, so everyone has it tattooed to their forehead now, do they?”

What? There was more than a hint of resentment in James’ voice… And then Cortez realised what he’d said. “No, I didn’t mean it like that. Not like ‘straight’ straight. I meant he’s a by-the-book kind of guy. Not the type to fraternize with his CO.”

There was no reply.

“So what’s the problem?”

“Hey, like I said, it’s not my business,” James repeated. “I just don’t like seeing the Commander jerk you around like that.”

It was the first time James had expressed any kind of worry over him that wasn’t to do with a bullet wound or a shuttle crash… But despite the sudden and incongruous concern, maybe he had a point.

“I’m going to head upstairs for a minute,” Cortez told him, tossing down his tools. “Need to have a little chat with the Commander.”

 

 

Cortez knocked on Shepard’s door, then entered as he heard the faint call of ‘come in’, Shepard was sprawled on his bed, reading a data pad, and he raised an eyebrow as he saw Cortez.

Cortez smiled knowingly, seated himself near the bed, and waited.

“Alright, out with it,” Shepard said finally, tossing the data pad onto the bed. “I don’t recall inviting you up for any stress relief, so what are you doing here?”

“No, you didn’t invite me up. You’ve been neglecting me lately,” Cortez said, careful not to let anything too serious into his voice. Shepard didn’t deal with _serious_ relationships. 

“Have I?”

“I’m actually surprised I found you here. I’d have thought you’d be out in Afterlife, chatting up an asari. Or three.”

Shepard shrugged. “I’m not in the mood.”

“Same way you haven’t been in the mood for the past two weeks?”

“You want to get your rocks off, there are other ways to do it than hanging around waiting for me-“

“Is it because of the Major?”

“What?”

Cortex knew better than to ask the same question twice, and he also knew that Shepard knew what he was talking about. There was no need to explain himself. So he kept quiet, waiting for a reply… or a sharp dismissal.

“I’m not sleeping with Alenko.”

“Not for lack of trying, the way I hear it.”

Shepard glared at him. “So now you’re jealous?”

“Commander… I know what we have is casual. And I have no problem with you shagging your way through every asari dancer in the galaxy. Or every Cerberus cheerleader-“

“That was a one-time thing.”

“Most of your ‘relationships’ are. But I’ve got no interest in playing tug of war over you with another member of the Normandy’s crew. It’s bad for moral, and if a mission ever goes wrong, I don’t want there to be any question at all about who didn’t save whose life out of petty jealousy.”

Shepard didn’t look impressed with the assessment… but he wasn’t arguing with it either. He knew the score just as well as Cortez did. And carelessly risking his crew was something he just wouldn’t do. “What do you want, Cortez?”

“I want you to tell me where we’re at. And if that means it’s time for me to walk, then so be it.”

Shepard lay back. Stared out the skylight window. Sighed.

“Yeah,” he said, a minute later. “You’re right. I think it’s time for us to call it quits.”

Cortez nodded, and stood up. He was actually a little relieved at the news. He wasn’t quite sure yet, but lately he’d been restless. Thinking about Robert less. And wondering if it wasn’t time to move on. To something serious, this time, rather than the informal now and then he had with Shepard. 

“It’s been a pleasure serving under you, sir,” he couldn’t resist saying.

And Shepard cracked a wide grin. “Get the hell out of my cabin,” he ordered, laughter evident in his voice.

 

 

Another mission. And Kaidan had been called up once again. This time it was with Liara, to investigate a warehouse that manufactured armor of Salarian design. Experimental stuff, according to Liara’s intel, temperature-controlled suits resistant to the effects of cryo blast or incinerate. Light weight polymers to reduce armor mass. 

And, of course, as Kaidan was quickly learning, ‘investigate’ was code for ‘blow shit up’. They’d gotten word from Aria early the morning after their visit to Afterlife, telling them that no one on Omega knew anything about the mechs. Eclipse had denied all responsibility, but offered to buy the hacking technology, the Blue Suns had offered to kill Eclipse mercs, if they were behind it, and the Talons, Omega’s resident security force, worked for Aria, so there was no new information to be had from them that Aria didn’t already know.

But then the Alliance had contacted them. A manufacturing base in the Pylos Nebula had gone dark, and so only a few hours later, here they were, ‘investigating’.

And for reasons that completely eluded Kaidan, Shepard was in a filthy mood.

“No sign of the staff,” Liara noted as they edged their way towards the entrance. 

“No sign of damage either,” Kaidan observed. “No smoke, no explosions. No shuttles that shouldn’t be here.”

“I have eyes,” Shepard snapped at them both. “I can see what the situation is. Now how about one of you get that door open so we can see what _is_ going on, rather than what isn’t.”

Kaidan broke away from the group, sliding down a rocky embankment to the entrance. A few moments later he had hacked the lock, the door sliding open… and then promptly shutting itself again. The lock blinked back to red.

“What the hell?” He hacked it again… same result, but the door closed a little quicker this time.

“Oh, for crying out loud… Alenko! Get the hell away from the door.”

Knowing what was coming next, Kaidan dashed for cover… and then an explosion ripped the door out of the wall as Shepard flung not one, but three grenades at it. The smoke cleared, and Shepard and Liara joined Kaidan on the lower level.

“Well yeah, that works too,” Kaidan said wryly.

“How about you put that gun to work instead of giving me a running commentary,” Shepard barked at him. Christ, what was with the man today? But Kaidan did as he was told, sidling up to the smoking hole in the wall, scanning the room-

“Watch out! Mechs!” He dove for cover, firing rapidly as a dozen LOKI mechs came marching towards them. He was aware of Shepard and Liara fighting their way into the warehouse behind him, and he flung up a barrier to give them a chance to get to cover.

Next he hit the closest mech with an Overload… and holy shit! Not just one, but three mechs went down, and Kaidan felt the hum of his biotics vibrating through him like never before… Shit, Shepard had been right when he’d said the new amp had a kick to it…

On the far side of the warehouse, a fuel tank exploded, Shepard having seemingly decided that it was quicker to blow up five mechs at once, the damage bill be damned… and moments later, the battle was over. Kaidan paused to shoot one of the mechs, damaged but still thrashing about on the floor, and then they were breaking cover, heading further inside to assess the damage.

“More mechs.” Kaidan nudged one with his foot. “And what’s the bet they were hacked just like the others.”

“You’ve got a real talent for stating the obvious, you know that?” Shepard muttered, and Kaidan was suddenly sick of the attitude.

“What the fuck is with you today?” he demanded. “You’ve had a chip on your shoulder from the second we got this call, and if you don’t want me here so damn much, why the hell didn’t you bring someone else along?”

“Movement!” Liara shouted suddenly, and they all dove for cover again… but a cautious glance across the warehouse allowed them to relax slightly. A salarian was standing by a window, in what seemed to be an office, waving frantically at them. A hand grabbed him and yanked him into cover… and then a cautious human head popped into view.

“I think we’ve found the staff,” Liara said. She kept her gun raised as she headed over, Kaidan and Shepard on her heels. And a quick glance through the window confirmed her suspicions. The workers were wearing staff uniforms, all of them seeming unarmed, and though nervous, they looked relieved to see them. Liara tried to open the door… but encountered the same problem Kaidan had with the main entrance. The staff’s faces brightened when the door slid open, only to fall again as they were once more trapped.

“Hold on,” Kaidan cautioned her before she tried it again. He grabbed a chair from a nearby work station and positioned it near the door. “Okay, go.” Liara got the door open again, and Kaidan jammed the chair into the gap.

“Oh, thank you! We thought we’d never get out of there,” the salarian who had tried to get their attention rambled. “The mechs went mad! Locked us inside. Took over the warehouse.” The door groaned as it tried to close again.

“Let’s get you out of there before the chair breaks,” Liara said, and the workers climbed over the chair one by one, nine of them in all, three salarians and six humans.

“How many mechs were in the warehouse?” Shepard asked, scowling around at the place. 

“A hundred or so,” the salarian said. “They do most of the manual work. We’re just here to check a few key steps in the process and make sure the production line is running smoothly.

“Any idea why they locked you in?” Kaidan asked, only to receive nine clueless expressions. 

“No idea.”

“And have you had any new mechs arrive in the last week or so?” Liara asked.

“Yes! We had a new batch come in just three days ago. But-“

“Commander,” EDI’s voice suddenly came through their ear pieces. “I am picking up an encrypted transmission being sent from the warehouse.”

“Are there any other staff in the building?” Shepard asked quickly.

“No. Just us. They herded us all in here to get us out the way.”

“So the mechs are sending the message?” Kaidan was flabbergasted. Surely simple production line mechs didn’t possess that kind of programming?

“I have decoded the encryption,” EDI informed them. “The message consists of plans for armor designs.”

“They’ve stolen our designs?” The salarian looked utterly dismayed. “These designs took years of work! Millions of credits of research! Thousands of tests… The plans would be worth a fortune!”

“EDI,” Shepard snapped. “Can you trace where the signal is being sent to?”

“I am attempting to do so. It may take several minutes.”

“Please, you have to stop them. If we lose the plans, we lose all our profits! The company will be bankrupt. The communications centre is through those doors, down the hall, on the left.”

“Let’s move,” Shepard ordered, looking gleeful at the thought of having something else to shoot.

The three of them dashed through the door and down the hallway. The door to the communications centre was locked… but this time, the hacking attempt worked, and the door stayed conveniently open.

Kaidan went in first, gun at the ready… but the room appeared to be empty. A computer terminal on the far side was blinking rapidly, and he stepped closer, trying to work out how to shut down the transmission. 

“Mechs! Lots of them!“ Liara shouted, and she and Shepard dashed to the doorway, guns out, bullets and biotic fields holding the fort… for the moment.

“Get that transmission offline,” Shepard ordered, so Kaidan stayed focused on the terminal, attempting to hack the security wall with his omni-tool while he listened to rapid gun fire behind him…

Suddenly, the lights on the terminal all went out. But before Kaidan could celebrate, he heard a click, saw a bright flash of light, felt a wave of pain… and then everything went black.

 

The world was dark, sensations muted… but he could hear sounds.

“You’re injured. Shepard, you can’t-“ The voice was muffled and distorted, but it sounded like Liara. 

“How about you get your gun out and start shooting things instead of telling me what I can’t do.” Shepard’s voice was tight, like he was in pain, and Kaidan thought that he should wake up, should check if Shepard was hurt, should try to help him…

“You’re bleeding-“ Liara again.

“So is he.” Who was bleeding? “God… can you walk?”

“I’ll manage,” Liara insisted, though her voice was as tight as Shepard’s. She needed help too, and Kaidan tried to fight off the fog to open his eyes.

The world span, gravity tilting wildly… and then he felt a hand under his head and a solid wall rising up beneath him. Or maybe that was the floor. It was hard to tell…

“Just need to rest for a minute…” Shepard sounded breathless. “Do you have any more medigel?”

“This is the last dose-“

“No, not me. Him,” Shepard said, and Kaidan wondered who the ‘him’ was. If Shepard was injured, he should take the medigel. They needed him. The whole galaxy needed him.

“Looks like the mechs came back for the staff,” Liara said sadly. And Kaidan vaguely remembered a salarian with a worried voice.

“Cortez? We need a shuttle at the warehouse. Right at the door. But bring back up. There are eighty mechs somewhere in the building ready to kill us all.”

Kaidan heard a muffled reply, words wrapped up in static. And he forced his eyes open.

Oh god, that was bad. His armor had a gaping hole in it, blood coating his body, the floor… and Shepard’s shoulder. He moaned, turning his head to see where Liara was.

“He’s awake!” Liara was by his side in a moment, and he could see purple blood coating her left side, from thigh to elbow. Her pistol was held unsteadily in her right hand, though how she managed to shoot the thing was a mystery.

“Kaidan!” Shepard was hovering above him now, worry lines deeply engraved in his face. “Hold still. You’re going to be fine.”

“Leave me,” Kaidan managed to say, his voice raw. He reached up and felt his throat… and the wet, mangled flesh beneath his fingers confirmed what he already knew. He was dying.

“No,” Shepard said, as if that was all there was to say on the matter. Kaidan squinted at him, as Shepard scanned the hallway for more mechs. He was covered in blood, his armor damaged, a deep gash on the back of his head.

“Cortez? You got that backup yet?”

“On our way, Commander. I’ve got Garrus and James. ETA nine minutes.”

“Let’s get going.” Shepard got himself onto his knees, breathing heavily, then hauled Kaidan up over his shoulders. 

“Mechs will kill you. I’m slowing you down. Leave me,” Kaidan said again, forcing the words through his mangled throat. He could feel blood dripping down his arm, out his glove, to paint a crimson trail over the floor.

“Fuck you,” Shepard gasped out. Liara had managed to stand up beside him, leaning heavily against the wall, her left arm hanging uselessly at her side. And then they were making slow, jolting progress towards the door. Kaidan watched his blood drip down onto the floor, the steady drops strangely hypnotic… Then his vision blurred, and his eyes closed.


	7. Conversations, each stranger than the last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan finds out just what's bothering Shepard. Joker tells a story. And EDI's mobile platform wanders off on its own and gets lost (well... sort of).

“For god’s sake, Shepard, sit down.”

“How’s Alenko?”

“Alive. Stable. You’re going to rip that muscle in your leg again. I’ve only just finished putting it back together-“

“He’ll recover? When will he regain consciousness?”

“Not for several hours. I’ve got him sedated at the moment… What are you…? Oh fine, you want to spend the rest of your life on crutches, that’s your business. There’s only so much damage I can repair.”

“He was bleeding. A lot.”

“His wounds weren’t too deep, thankfully. Severe concussion, of course. And he did get a shard of metal through his abdomen. I had to operate on that. His biggest problem was simply blood loss, and thankfully, we had plenty of synthetic blood on hand. That’s damn good armor he had on. It took the brunt of the explosion, but it’s a complete wreck now. It’ll need to be fully replaced. As will yours, I imagine.”

“And Liara?”

“She’s doing well. A nasty gash from where the door frame ripped through her armor, but the medigel stopped the worst of the bleeding, and the rest will heal without leaving a scar.”

“Thank god for modern medicine.”

“What the hell were you thinking, Loco? Carrying him out like that? You should have stayed put. Found a defensible position. Me and Scars would have gotten you out.”

“And Alenko would have bled to death while we waited.”

“So you thought you’d bleed to death in his place, is that it? Really, Shepard, walking into a wall of armed mechs? You’re not indestructible.”

“Shut it, Cortez. Don’t you have a shuttle to go maintain?”

“Look… here’s a chair, right by his bedside. If you insist on being out of bed, then at least sit down.”

“…thank you.”

“You would try the patience of a saint…”

 

 

Kaidan came awake slowly. He was aware of the smell first, a clinical, chemical smell not at all like the crew quarters. Then the light was wrong, as he cracked his eyes open just a touch. Soft sounds met his ears, shuffles, a slight clink, the rustle of fabric.

He forced his eyes open all the way… oh hell, he was in the med bay. What had happened?

“Kaidan? Chakwas, he’s awake.”

Shepard. 

Shepard was here, sitting by his bedside, a data pad in his hand. But the instant Kaidan looked his way, he tossed the data pad aside and focused on him. Chakwas hurried over and took his vitals with practiced efficiency. Shone a light in his eyes that made him squint and blink a lot. “How are you feeling, Major?”

“Tired. Confused. What happened?”

“You were caught in an explosion,” Shepard said, his voice rough. “In the warehouse with the mechs. Do you remember that?”

Kaidan thought back… and yes, there was something about mechs shooting at them. A salarian. A computer terminal.

“Yeah,” he said, his throat feeling raw. “You carried me out.”

“He most certainly did,” Chakwas said. “And damn near got himself killed in the process. James was right. You should have found a defensible position and waited for back up.”

“You should have left me there-“

Shepard was in his face in an instant, eyes fierce, hand slamming down on to the bed with a thud.

“I don’t like losing members of my crew,” he said between clenched teeth. “On Virmire, when we went up against Saren, I nearly lost Ashley. Salarians were helping us. I was fighting towards their location, trying to save a few more lives, when Ash radioed. She was pinned down, surrounded by geth. So I went back for her. Damn near didn’t make it. And then Saren showed up, nearly killed me, and there was a bomb about to blow the whole place to kingdom come. But _I went back for Ashley_. And three years later, she’s still here, reading crap poetry and getting drunk and flirting with James. So _don’t you dare_ tell me who I should leave behind, Major.”

For all his bad moods, Kaidan had never seen Shepard truly angry before. And it was a startling sight. He blinked, lost for words. And then Chakwas put a hand on Shepard’s shoulder, gently pulling him back, a physical reminder to calm down even if she didn’t say the words.

Shepard took a breath, then looked over his shoulder at Chakwas. “Could you give us a minute?”

Chakwas merely nodded and left the med bay, and Kaidan wondered what the hell he’d done to warrant a one-on-one grilling from the Commander when he’d only just woken up from some serious injuries. He vaguely remembered staring at a pool of his own blood, and something about a huge chunk taken out of his armor…

“What happened to my armor?” he asked, cutting off anything Shepard might have been about to say. “I remember… I think I woke up at one point and Liara was there… she was injured…”

“She’s going to be fine,” Shepard said coolly. “She left the med bay a few hours ago and went back to her room. And your armor has been scrapped. We’ll buy you a new suit when we reach the Citadel.”

“The Citadel? Why are we-“

“EDI managed to trace the signal from the warehouse. That’s where it was sent to.”

Kaidan tried to sit up… felt a wave of dizziness and sank back onto the bed. “So what is it now?” he asked finally, giving in to the thunderous glare Shepard was giving him. It must be bad if he wasn’t even going to wait for him to get out of bed.

And he saw Shepard’s jaw clench, before he finally spoke. “This crew works on trust. We depend on each other for our lives. We don’t have many secrets between us and sometimes we pretend to respect each other’s privacy, but there really isn’t much of it, when you’re living in a shoebox like this.” He took a slow breath, but it only seemed to make him angrier. “If you don’t trust me, then I have no use for you on my crew. And if I can’t trust you, then it’s only a matter of time before you end up getting someone killed. And I won’t have that on my ship.”

“You told me to hack the console! If I did something wrong on the mission-“

“It’s not about the fucking mission!”

“Then what is this about?!”

“I actually thought you were being sincere, when we had that chat in the starboard lounge. You were all ‘I don’t take sex lightly’ and telling me that sob story about your girlfriend in BAaT. And yeah, I’ve gotta say, I fell for it. I thought you were one of the few men left in the galaxy with a real moral backbone. And then the second I turn my back, you’re in a nightclub getting it on with an asari dancer.”

Kaidan’s eyes opened wide, and he felt his heart sink. Shepard knew about that? Who had told him? Was it Ashley? She’d known he was going out that evening. Or maybe Aria had spies in her club, and she’d passed the word on to Shepard-

“Now,” Shepard went on, “I can’t work out whether you were trying to convince me that you’re actually straight, or whether you’re just a liar. You told me you don’t take sex casually, but that looked pretty damn casual to me. And I apologised for what I did in Afterlife, so there’s no need for you to feel your virtue is so at risk that you have to go and sleep with the first willing female you can find. You’re gay, you’re straight, you’re bi, I don’t give a shit. You told me to keep my hands to myself, and I will.”

What the hell could he say? He didn’t take sex lightly, hadn’t exercised his sexuality in over a decade. But there was no way in hell he was explaining his reasoning to Shepard. His silence might get him thrown off the Normandy, but that was still better than ripping his soul open and baring all to a man who was unhinged on a good day.

“I’ve trusted people in the past,” he said, scraping together the barest of explanations. “And it ended badly.” _Really_ badly, though hopefully Shepard hadn’t also hacked his medical records. With his Spectre status, it was entirely possible that he could, but the files were set up to alert Kaidan if anyone accessed them. He’d already received a message when Chakwas accessed the sealed files – one he’d expected, since he’d told her to do so. Most of the time he was fine, physically speaking, but there was always the risk that something might come up that was a consequence of his old injuries, and on a ship with as many high risk missions as the Normandy, he’d rather be prepared. And Chakwas had proven herself to be the epitome of discretion. “But I’m trying, Shepard,” he insisted. “I told you about BAaT. I told you about killing Vyrnnus, and that wasn’t easy-“

“You think one conversation means everything is hunky dory? You’ve got a hell of a lot to learn, Major, and I’m getting tired of waiting. You want to know about trust? Try actually talking to the crew. Ask Garrus about Dr. Saleon. Or about Sidonis. Or better yet, ask Liara about her mother. That’s a story that’ll knock the wind out of you. I would get you to ask Tali about her father’s experiments, but she’s back with the Migrant Fleet for the moment, so I’m afraid you’ll have to miss out on that one. But here’s an idea. Ask Joker about the SR-1. You want to know whether you can trust me? Well, know that I killed Liara’s mother. I broke Joker’s arm through sheer carelessness. And I let a man who had murdered Garrus’ entire squad go free. And _they all trust me_.”

He’d killed Liara’s mother? Kaidan felt himself go cold. How the hell did you go through that and still follow someone the way Liara followed Shepard? God, what the hell was going on in this ship?

“We’ll be reaching the Citadel in a couple of days,” Shepard said. But despite his calmer tone, there was a dangerous fire in his eyes that was going to haunt Kaidan for some time. “You think about what I’ve said. And let me know whether I should keep you on my crew, or just dump you in Anderson’s office and be done with you.”

 

Three days later, Kaidan was feeling much better. Physically, at least. He’d been in bed for another forty eight hours after Shepard chewed him out, and after that, he’d been limping around the Normandy feeling sorry for himself. He wanted to take Shepard’s advice, wanted to talk to the crew about their lives… but how the hell did you walk up to someone and ask how their CO had killed their mother? 

Ashley had been a life-saver, giving him a shoulder to lean on… but even she wouldn’t divulge the crew’s stories. Each story was their own to tell, she’d said, but she had mentioned other stories, from the varied characters they had picked up along the way. An asari Justicar Shepard had teamed up with to kill her daughter. A Cerberus operative who had watched his father commit suicide – thanks to Shepard’s assistance with a rescue mission. A drell who had had his own son arrested. It was a hideous list of tasks, and Kaidan simply couldn’t wrap his head around the blind loyalty these people seemed to feel for a man who went out of his way to hurt and destroy.

And Ashley had listened to his doubts, occasionally quoting part of some poem or other, sometimes just nodding as he thought aloud… but Kaidan knew his time was running out. If he didn’t get his head on straight, didn’t figure out where he wanted to be, then he was going to end up back in some dull, routine job, filling in paperwork for the rest of his life.

He didn’t want to be on the Normandy, didn’t want to have his life run by a madman with a highly questionable conscience. But he also wanted to understand what the hell this was that kept drawing him to Shepard, kept stopping him from just abandoning this post and walking away, while he still could. Because there was something elusive and charismatic and compelling about the man, a cunningly strategic mind, an awkward one-step-forward-two-steps-back dance that had Kaidan perplexed and frustrated and infatuated with him all at the same time.

And on top of that, Kaidan was still trapped in his own nightmare from thirteen years ago. And he knew that if he didn’t shake the fear and shame off soon, then it was entirely likely that he never would…

 

 

“Eclipse,” Shepard said to the crew, gathered in the shuttle bay. They had docked at the Citadel just an hour ago, and Shepard had immediately gone investigating – talking to his buddy at C-Sec, checking in with whatever secret agency lurked behind closed doors in the Spectre office. And he’d come back, full of tension and fire, demanding everyone meet up down here, ready to kick some ass.

“C-Sec has been chasing them since we left the Citadel. They’ve found illegal tech on three Eclipse members, found a lab where they were doing ‘maintenance’ on their mechs, and had two shoot outs with the gang when they tried to arrest some of its members. We’re going to Eclipse headquarters – or at least what passes for it in this corner of the galaxy. C-Sec will be backing us up. I want everyone suited up and ready to go in ten minutes.”

The crew gave various acknowledgements, and Kaidan looked around. It was a fearsome team, Liara, Garrus, James, EDI and Ashley. He headed for his own armor – Shepard had ordered ahead, had had a replacement suit for himself, Liara and Kaidan waiting for them when they docked – but Shepard stepped in front of him before he could even touch it.

“Not you,” Shepard said to him, his voice cold. “You like keeping to yourself so much, then I’m going to grant you your wish. You’re confined to the Normandy until further notice. When I get back from this mission, we’ll talk. And if I don’t like what I hear, you’re off my ship. Permanently.”

Fuck. Shepard had been so fired up when he got back that Kaidan had assumed he’d need all hands on deck. But he could tell from the look on Shepard’s face that there was no way he was going to talk his way out of this one. Shepard didn’t even wait for an acknowledgement, just stalked off to don his own armor. And Kaidan looked regretfully around the shuttle bay. As soon as they got back, Shepard was going to kick his ass off this ship. And he was surprised at how much that disappointed him. Ashley spared him a sympathetic look, as she suited up, but no one else so much as glanced his way. He headed back for the elevator, feeling forgotten and abandoned.

 

 

“Joker? You got a minute?”

The pilot turned around in his chair. “So somebody got himself grounded, huh?” It wasn’t a surprise that Joker knew. It was a small ship, and gossip seemed to have its own FTL drive. The combat team had left just moments ago, and Kaidan’s frustration at not going with them had finally hit traction. If he wanted to have anything decent to say to Shepard when he got back, he needed to do what he had been told to do – talk to the crew, find out why they followed the Commander. And since Garrus and Liara were away, Joker was first cab off the rank.

“I wanted to ask you about something. It happened a few years ago. Shepard said… he said I should talk to you about it, but I think it might be kind of personal…”

“Everything on this ship is personal. And EDI just blurts it out to everyone anyway. So yeah, go ahead.”

“Shepard said he broke you arm?”

To his astonishment, Joker laughed. Then his grin quickly faded to a much more serious expression. “Yeah. That wasn’t a great episode. I nearly got him killed. I laugh because it’s just like Shepard to focus on that, you know, the Normandy gets blown up, he ends up in a coma, but he’s worried about breaking my arm. It’s a stupid detail, given everything else that happened. You know I have Vrolick syndrome, right?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said. Ashley had filled him in on that one.

And so Joker told the story. It was horrific, the geth attack, their fleet swarming the Normandy, the rush to get the crew to the escape pods, Joker’s insistence that he could save the ship. He felt guilty over that now, forcing Shepard to come and haul his ass out of the cockpit, risking his own life in the process. And the months Shepard had spent in a coma afterwards. He’d made it into the escape pod after Joker, but an explosion had nearly killed him before Joker could get the door sealed.

“I was just blown away when he said I should fly the SR-2. Said he couldn’t imagine having a pilot who didn’t back chat him every time he gave an order.”

“So he broke your arm, but he saved your life and your career?” Kaidan summed up, and Joker nodded. 

“Yup, I guess that’s it.”

Kaidan nodded and stood up. “Thanks for the chat.”

“Anytime.”

 

 

Two hours later, Kaidan was standing in the starboard lounge again. It seemed that few of the crew used this space, and he needed time to think. He’d talked to some of the others, Gabby and Kenneth in engineering, Traynor, even Chakwas. And everyone had a story to tell. Chakwas had been kidnapped by Collectors, a bizarre and elusive race that even the council wasn’t sure really existed, sure she was going to be used for their ungodly experiments until Shepard had rescued her. Gabby and Kenneth had been court marshaled for working with Cerberus – a seriously bad career move, they both admitted in hindsight – until Shepard had used his Spectre authority to pardon them. Traynor didn’t have any life-or-death tragedies to share, but she did mention that Shepard was a mean chess player, and that they’d spent many a quiet evening sweating over the board together. And it was an incongruous, but strangely endearing picture, the manic soldier who delighted in blowing things up settling for moving small figurines about on black and white squares. And cursing his opponent when he invariably lost.

But despite all the warm and fuzzy stories, Kaidan realised that he was still backed into the same corner he always had been. He didn’t trust people easily. His former CO had made sure of that. He didn’t handle relationships well, he didn’t make friends quickly… and regardless of any optimistic intentions, he couldn’t just change his personality overnight. It had been too deeply ingrained for that, first by years of uncertainty and rejection over his biotic abilities, and then by having his CO hire six men to beat him and rape him, punishment for something he couldn’t change any more than he could change the color of his eyes or the size of his feet. And every single one of them had raped him, even when one of the gang had objected, had said that he was already bleeding inside, had pointed out that if they kept it up, they were likely to kill him. But, half conscious and wishing he was dead, Kaidan had heard them argue back, state that this was what they were being paid for, and they wouldn’t get full payment unless they all fucked him. And so the last two had carried on…

The only thing he could possibly do was explain to Shepard why he was the way he was, and hope that Shepard chose to accept it. 

But on a ship where privacy was a foreign concept… he wasn’t sure he was ready to deal with the entire crew knowing his deepest, most shameful secrets.

“Major Alenko?” EDI’s voice suddenly broke the silence and Kaidan jumped. Once again, he’d forgotten that he wasn’t really alone.

“What is it, EDI?”

“I need your assistance. I have just lost contact with my mobile platform.”

She what? “Lost contact? How?” 

“My body was accompanying Shepard on the mission to investigate Eclipse. It is now outside the Normandy’s broadcast range. I also suspect that Shepard’s squad is in danger.”

What the hell? “Where’s Shepard now?”

“Unknown. However, just before I lost contact with my mobile platform, it was about to be shut inside a vault in the citadel archives. I suspect that the containment fields prevent me from communicating with it.”

“The archives? What the hell were you doing in there?”

“The Eclipse mercenaries proved frustratingly elusive. We have been pursuing them throughout a large section of the Citadel, ending in the archives. If we have been shut inside, as I suspect, then I calculate there is only one hour’s supply of air inside each vault.”

“Fuck! So what the hell do we do now?”

“Major Alenko, you are the ranking officer on this ship. You must go and rescue them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I’ve stolen a few concepts from the Citadel DLC for this (and the next) episode. But heck, this is fanfiction. I stole the whole galaxy before I stole the DLC ideas, right?


	8. You want me to do what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Shepard is locked in an archive vault,” EDI pointed out again. “With fifty eight minutes of air.” Kaidan mounts a rescue mission. But will he make it in time?

Rescue them? The hero of the Skyllian Blitz, the Saviour of the Citadel, needed Kaidan Alenko to rescue him? But even as the impossibility of the task overwhelmed him, he thought of Ashley, trapped in there with everyone else, and shuddered. There was no way he could leave her there…

But that didn’t mean there weren’t some serious roadblocks to a rescue plan. “EDI, I can’t get into the archives. That requires some seriously high authorisation codes-“

“I have Shepard’s Spectre access codes. I can give them to you.”

Kaidan felt his mouth hanging open. “You want me to fraudulently use Spectre codes? I could get court marshaled for that. Hell, the Council could have me shot on sight!” He didn’t bother asking how the hell she had the codes in the first place. Shepard had given his codes to a highly intelligent, self-aware AI with a seriously messed up sense of humor? Go figure…

“Shepard is locked in an archive vault,” EDI pointed out again. “With fifty eight minutes of air.”

Fucking hell… Fine, he told himself. Just go with it. Deal with the consequences later. But he’d need backup…

“Is there anyone left on this ship who knows how to fire a gun?”

“Steve Cortez is proficient in the use of a pistol.”

“Great. Tell him to suit up. He’s coming with me.”

Kaidan dashed for the elevator, and by the time he arrived in the shuttle bay, Cortez was already getting ready, though he was more than a little confused, from the expression on his face.

Kaidan explained the situation, even as he was tugging on his armor. And Cortez’s shock was even greater than his own.

“EDI, what do we know about these Eclipse mercs?” Kaidan snapped, checking his guns, grabbing extra thermal clips.

“They are highly trained soldiers. I suspect many of them may have previously trained in military organisations. They possess high tech weapons and armor and they appeared to be very familiar with the layout of the archives. A great deal of planning has gone into their operation today.”

“So they were expecting Shepard to come after them?”

“Maybe not Shepard,” Cortez offered, “but sooner or later, one spectre or another was bound to get wind of what they were doing. Maybe we were just first to take the bait.”

“I have taken the liberty of hiring a sky car to transport you to the archives entrance,” EDI told them. “Shepard had split us into two teams. Myself, Garrus and Liara were together. James and Ashley were with Shepard. Most of the mercs were killed in the fight, but a small group survived to lure us into the vaults. I can only assume they escaped after trapping us.”

“So what’s the plan?” Cortez asked, as they headed out to the sky car.

“I haven’t a fucking clue,” Kaidan admitted. Shit… an hour ago, he’d been all but resigned to leaving this ship. Now, nothing was more important than rescuing Shepard, seeing Ashley again, hearing Garrus’ dry wit and Liara’s reassuring optimism. But how the hell were they going to do that? “I guess we… shoot any mercs we find, don’t get caught by security and figure out which vaults were sealed most recently. And hope Shepard’s codes can open them again.”

To his surprise, Cortez laughed. “That’s about as good a plan as Shepard ever has.”

“Was that a compliment?” Kaidan asked, as Cortez took the controls and began a breakneck race to the archives.

“You _want_ to be like Shepard? Hell, most people are happy to give him a wide berth.” But there was a grin on his face, and Kaidan couldn’t help but match it. Chaos, uncertainty, a few nasty surprises waiting for them? Just another day on the Normandy, right?

 

“Cortez! On your six!” Kaidan took out two more mercs with his pistol, then overloaded three of the mechs they had brought along. Eclipse had left guards at the entrance to the archives, and even as he kept his mind in the battle, focused on the mercs up ahead and the mechs trying to flank them, another part of his mind was counting down the minutes. They had used up 37 of their allotted 60 – but even that had been an estimate. If EDI had underestimated, then the crew had more time before they asphyxiated. If she had overestimated… hell, he didn’t even want to think about it. Put the thought out of his mind. They would get there in time. They had to.

Finally the last of the mechs was down, and the Eclipse mercs were all dead… all but one. Kaidan strode over to the soldier, pistol at the ready. “What is Eclipse doing here?” he demanded. Time was short, but if he could get some information from the merc, maybe they could avoid any more situations ending up like this.

But to his surprise, the asari just laughed… bit down on something in her mouth… and died.

“Fuck!” Some kind of suicide capsule. And whatever they were into had to be big, if they were under orders to kill themselves, rather than be captured.

“Cortez! This way.” There was no more time to lose, and Kaidan led the way into the archives. 

“Okay, EDI, I’m going to need those codes now.”

“I have sent them to your omni-tool,” she said via his earpiece. “You should have access to the archives now.”

And sure enough, the door slid open at his prompting. The interior looked deserted, and he stepped through the door… and froze. Holy shit…

“EDI? This place is huge. Where were you when you lost contact with… uh… yourself?”

“I have mapped the archives and formulated the most direct route to our former location. Proceed straight ahead, climb the stairs, then turn right.”

They did, at a run, ever conscious of the steady passage of time. But the archives were vast, and it seemed to take forever. Up stairs, over bridges, through tunnels… Shepard must have been chasing these bastards for hours, if this was the _direct_ route.

“How are we doing for time, EDI?” he asked at one point, because he just couldn’t help himself. 

“You have nine minutes remaining,” EDI said. “At your current pace, I estimate it will take you nine minutes to reach the vault controls.”

Fuck. Kaidan sped up, aware of Cortez breathing hard behind him, lagging slightly for all his efforts to keep up, but they had little choice at this point. There was no way he was going to fail the crew…

“Turn right, down the ramp, through the door,” EDI continued to instruct them, and then Kaidan burst out into a long, narrow room… and saw a computer terminal.

“Thank you, Jesus… EDI? Now what?”

“Use Shepard’s codes to access the terminal. There should be a record of the latest vaults which were accessed and sealed.”

Kaidan got into the system… but fucking hell, who had designed this thing? It was impossible to navigate, and he felt sweat dripping down his back as he forced himself to work through the controls methodically, knowing that fumbling around would only take more time in the long run.

“Got it! Vaults 1547A and 2224F were accessed an hour ago…”

He activated the controls for the first vault and was relieved to see the huge arms slide away, going to fetch the vault from the vast wall of them.

Cortez was right beside him, both of them tense, holding their breath as the vault slid into place, then the seal slid back… revealing a heart-stopping sight. James was passed out cold on the floor. Ashley was lying on her side, but thankfully, Kaidan could see her gasping for air, even from here. Shepard was on his hands and knees, head hanging low, panting heavily.

Cortez bolted for the vault even as Kaidan activated the second one.

“James! God, he’s not breathing…” Cortez had dropped his gun, working to resuscitate James… and Kaidan suddenly realised the danger they were in. He brought his gun up, spun around, scanning the area for any further hostilities. For all his concern for his crew mate, Cortez’s actions were a stupid move, abandoning his awareness of potential enemies and dashing into the same vault that had just trapped the rest of them. 

And Kaidan was dying to go to Ashley, to see if she was okay, but he held his ground, stayed alert, scanning the room for more danger.

He breathed a sigh of relief as the second vault slid open. Liara and Garrus were still on their feet, no doubt better off with only the two of them in there. EDI’s body was in a heap on the floor, but she sat up quickly, taking a few moments to orient herself as EDI no doubt reestablished contact from the Normandy.

“Kaidan! Thank the goddess.” Liara joined Kaidan, gun out, ready to defend her crew while Garrus and EDI headed across to help the others, Garrus carrying Ashley out of the vault and setting her gently on the floor while EDI lent support to Shepard. 

“James? Come on breathe, damn it… Oh, thank god…” Kaidan spared a glance James’ way to see him roll over and cough harshly, Cortez helping him to sit up.

“How are you doing?” Cortez asked softly.

“Hell of a headache,” James complained roughly, but he staggered to his feet none the less, a marine through and through. “Let’s get the hell out of here.” Leaning on Cortez’s shoulder, he staggered over to the rest of them.

“I thought I confined you to the ship, Alenko,” Shepard said, when he was breathing more steadily. And Kaidan couldn’t help but grin. 

“Something came up, sir,” he replied nonchalantly.

“Careful, Major,” Shepard warned, and for an instant Kaidan wondered what he’d done wrong. “You just might be getting the hang of this.”

High praise, coming from this man. And though Kaidan was aware that they still had some tough issues to deal with… he couldn’t help but agree with Shepard. Breaking into the citadel archives, using spectre codes illegally, going up against a mercenary gang with no plan and limited fire power? Yeah, he was getting the hang of this.

“Freeze! C-Sec!”

Half a dozen armed officers burst into the room, and instantly Shepard’s crew had guns trained on them. James and Ashley were still dazed, but everyone else was instantly on guard, and the sight of five guns pointed at them pulled the C-Sec officers up short.

“Commander Shepard!” Bailey stepped forward, lowering his gun. “What’s going on?”

“Thanks for the fucking back up!” Shepard snapped, stalking over to him, and for a moment, Kaidan wondered whether he was going to punch the man. “We arranged to tackle Eclipse together, but my crew shows up, and C-Sec is nowhere to be seen! They almost killed us-“

“I’m sorry, Commander, but we ran into a group of mercs on the way to the rendezvous point. Took us half an hour to subdue them. They had a dozen LOKIs and an atlas mech. And a shit load of fire power. By the time we got everything under control, you were long gone. It took us forever to track you here. We came as soon as we could.” Bailey glanced around at the group. “Is everyone okay?”

“A few minutes more and I would have been heading for the proverbial bright light,” James said, sounding none too steady, and Cortez put a steadying hand on his shoulder. 

“Easy. You should be sitting down,” he said softly, and though James brushed the hand off, his expression was grateful, and Kaidan thought he saw just a hint of affection in the gruff face.

“Actually, we traced you through an unauthorized use of your spectre codes,” Bailey said to Shepard. Then glanced at Kaidan. “You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

Kaidan met his gaze squarely, making sure his expression gave nothing away. “How is the use of Shepard’s codes unauthorized? He used them to get into the archives, and…” He turned to Shepard with an exaggerated gesture. “Here he is, in the archives.” Shepard, for his part, said nothing, but Kaidan was suddenly struck by the notion that no matter what he said next, Shepard would back him up on it. 

It was a strangely good feeling. And one he’d like to feel again.

“…right,” Bailey admitted. “I guess we got our wires crossed, then.” He turned back to Shepard. “What about Eclipse?”

“A few of them got away. Couldn’t tell you what they looked like. Couldn’t even tell you what species they were, for that matter. They all had helmets on.”

“Damn shame,” Bailey growled. “We’ve been chasing these bastards for too long. But let’s get you out of here, at least. You look like you’ve had a rough day.”

 

 

Kaidan stepped out of the shower and dried off, putting on a fresh uniform. Hell of a day. Shepard had threatened to fire him, he’d rescued the Commander from being suffocated, the crew had thanked himself and Cortez profusely for his assistance… and he was fairly sure that he had caught Cortez holding James’ hand on their way back to the ship. Sky cars had brought them back, Cortez driving one, while Traynor and Joker brought a couple more for the rest of the crew. Chakwas had checked everyone over, granting them all a clean bill of health, and Kaidan had felt like… one of the crew. Like he belonged, for the first time, in a very, very long time.

And he knew that Shepard would want to talk to him, knew that Ashley wanted some down time to chat, an informal debrief on her time in the vault… but there was another conversation Kaidan desperately needed to have before he dealt with anything else.

Liara was standing at a wide bank of computers when her door opened to admit him, and he gaped at the sheer volume of tech in the room for a moment.

“Are you coming in?” Liara asked with a grin, and Kaidan stepped inside, letting the door close behind him.

“What do you do in here?” Kaidan asked, but Liara shook her head. 

“I’m not allowed to tell you at the moment,” she explained, though Kaidan got the impression that had she been given permission, she would have included him in the secret in a second. “Thank you again. I don’t know what we would have done if you hadn’t come for us.” Her voice wavered a little, and Kaidan felt the strange urge to hug her. 

He held back, not knowing if it would be appropriate… but made a mental note to ask her about the asari’s customs on that sort of thing in the near future. He was done with treading on egg shells, and everyone else seemed to expect him to just say what he thought, or ask, if he didn’t know.

“I need to ask you something. But I think it might upset you, and I’ve been putting it off for a while… but I need to know now.”

Liara merely nodded, and Kaidan wondered whether Shepard had already given her the heads up… or whether this was a ritual of sorts, new crew member gets initiated into the Normandy by listening to everyone’s ‘Shepard stories’. 

“It’s about… um… it’s about your mother,” he said, wincing in sympathy even as he said the words. Shepard had said he’d killed her, and no matter how the story panned out, it couldn’t be easy for Liara to revisit it.

And predictably, Liara’s face fell. “I’m sorry,” Kaidan apologised quickly. “If you’d rather not talk about it-“

“No, it’s okay,” she said firmly. “It’s only fair that you be told. I suppose it would be hard to trust me, otherwise.”

She sat on the edge of the bed and gestured to a chair, inviting Kaidan to sit down. And Kaidan fought to keep the surprise off his face. He didn’t have a clue who her mother was, but… hard to trust her? Liara was one of his favorite people on the ship, stable, balanced, gentle but with an inner core of toughness that he admired, and he didn’t quite know how to begin the conversation now. “Would you tell me about her?” he hedged finally, and she nodded.

And the story was predictably grim. Matriarch Benezia, the right hand of Saren, who had tried to kill Shepard and his team, who had unleashed the geth on unsuspecting populations, who had fallen for Saren’s lies, hook, line and sinker. And Kaidan felt a wave of sorrow. He had heard of the Matriarch, but had never realised that she was Liara’s mother. And he could see no similarity at all between the gentle, thoughtful, inquisitive woman in front of him and the powerful war lord that Benezia had become.

“It must have been difficult,” he said, when Liara told him about watching Shepard kill her mother in front of her. Her dying words, her decision to betray Saren in the end, had been too late to save her life, even if they had helped them win the war.

“It was,” Liara agreed. “But I’m extremely grateful to Shepard for taking me along.” And this was the part that he really wanted to know about. Shepard had taken Liara along, knowing they were going to fight the Matriarch, knowing Liara might have to watch him kill her mother…

“You wanted to be there? I’d have thought that would be the last thing you’d want…”

“I thought so too, for a while. But Shepard was right,” she said sadly. “I thought at the time that he took me along so that I could try and talk her down. But she turned her back on me, just like she’d turned her back on everything else she had once valued. It hurt. A lot. But a few weeks later, I realised why he had done it.” She turned to Kaidan with a smile, belied by the tears in her eyes. “I needed to know that everything possible had been done to try and save her. And if he hadn’t taken me along, I would have always wondered whether she might have come around, if only I’d been given the chance to try and convince her. I needed to know that Shepard had tried to reason with her, instead of just leaping into battle.” She paused, as tears trickled down her cheeks. “He knew that no matter how painful it was, I needed to be there. And I am forever in his debt for that kindness.”

Protocol be damned, Kaidan thought, as he shifted over onto the bed beside Liara. He wrapped his arms around her, and held her close as she willingly came to him and let her tears soak into his shoulder. After a while, she pulled back, looking steadier. 

“He’d do anything for his crew,” Liara told him, and Kaidan was beginning to see that it was true. “And in answer to your earlier question,” she added, a glint in her eye, “have you ever heard of the Shadow Broker?”

Kaidan had, and he told her so. A mysterious figure who traded information, not so much to anyone with the money, but in a strange system of tit-for-tat, ever cautious of maintaining a balance in the galaxy…

“You’re looking at her,” Liara said, and his jaw dropped.

“You’re the Shadow Broker?!”

“I’m the new one. Shepard helped me take down the old one, after he imprisoned a friend of mine.”

“I bet the Alliance doesn’t know about that one,” Kaidan said in a hushed tone. God, how he had underestimated the man… “But I thought you said you weren’t allowed to tell me about this.”

“Shepard said you were going to ask me about something difficult. And that I wasn’t to tell you about the Shadow Broker until you had. I can’t imagine anything more difficult than talking about my mother, so there we go, permission granted.”

Kaidan could only shake his head. “God, this ship has some wild secrets…”

“That’s only the tip of the iceberg,” Liara said slyly. “But the other stories will have to wait for another day,” she added, as one of her terminals pinged. “I suspect that the information I was hunting for on the asari councilor has just come through.”


	9. Clearing the air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Romance is in the air. And Kaidan and Shepard finally have that heart-to-heart.

Ashley was Kaidan’s next port of call, and he found her curled up in the port lounge with a miserable look on her face and a glass of something pink and fizzy in her hand. And it was quite potent, if the fuzzy look in her eyes was anything to go by. He didn’t bother asking how she was, just took the glass out of her hand and set it on the table, then sat down beside her, pulling her into a hug.

She leaned against his shoulder. A moment later, he felt her sob, and he had the irreverent thought that he’d need another change of clothes before he went to see Shepard, if this kept up.

“I thought I was going to die,” Ashley admitted quietly, as he rubbed her back. “And it’s not that I’m afraid of dying. It’s just that I always thought I would go quickly, a bullet, an explosion. A shuttle crash, maybe. But slowly suffocating to death, knowing you’re going to die, watching the minutes crawl past… Shepard kept asking us if we were still conscious. And then James stopped answering…”

Fresh tears, sobs wracking her body, and he simply held her, knowing there was nothing useful he could say. 

Slowly, her breathing calmed, her sobs evened out. “Thank you,” Ashley said, pulling back so she could look him in the eye. “Thank you for getting us out.” And he cupped her face in his hands.

“You’re one of the oldest friends I’ve got,” he murmured. “You didn’t think I’d just leave you there?”

She managed a smile, reached up to place her hand over his… and then the door to the lounge opened and they both jerked around to see Shepard standing there. He pulled up short, aware that he’d interrupted something… muttered an apology and left again.

But then Kaidan was stunned when he heard Ashley giggle. He gave her a quizzical look. 

“How’s it going between you and the Commander?” she asked bluntly. “Because I heard he and Cortez are no longer a thing. And I know he’s into you. I just haven’t worked out if you’re into him or not.”

Kaidan opened his mouth to deny everything… but then he felt his face heat as he remembered the images of Shepard that had played through his mind as the asari worked on him… and Shepard’s anger – fueled by jealousy? – that he had dared seek the attentions of a random stranger.

“Shepard doesn’t seem like the type to stick with one partner for very long,” he said finally, preferring to tackle that side of the equation, rather than his own confusing and inconsistent desires. “I’m not the kind of guy who could take that lightly – not with my CO,” he added, just in case Ashley had heard about the asari in Afterlife.

She ‘hmm’ed quietly. “Garrus thinks he’d settle down. If he found the right person.” Two days ago, Kaidan would have refused to believe it. But now, knowing what he did about what Shepard had done for the various crew members… he was more of an enigma than ever. Impulsive, inclined to break regs simply for the sake of it, foul tempered, but willing to move heaven and earth to help the people he cared about.

“I don’t think it would be a good idea,” he concluded, aware that he sounded just a little disappointed by the statement.

Ashley shrugged. “Oh well. We’ll just have to find you some other hot young officer to shack up with.”

“Ashley!”

 

 

“You okay?” Cortez asked James, for the ninth time since they’d arrived back on the Normandy. James was sitting on a stool he’d pulled up to the weapons bench, where Cortez was checking and cleaning everyone’s guns, and since being cleared by Chakwas, he’d hardly said a word. 

“Yeah,” he replied laconically. “Just got a lot on my mind, you know?” 

If that was the case, why was he sitting here, looking like a lost puppy, instead of doing his own thing at his work station?

“Something you want to talk about?”

“Nah, I just…” James paused. Looked away. “It’s just… I know that we could die any day. One mission goes bad, we miscalculate something and it’s lights out. But then it actually happens, and if it doesn’t actually kill you… I guess I’m just reevaluating a few things, is all. Looking at life a little differently.”

Cortez kept up the rhythmic motions of disassembling the guns, cleaning them, checking them for damage. Push too hard and James would just clam up completely. So he waited, gave him a little time and space…

“We’ve been friends a long time, right?” James said suddenly.

“Yeah. Feels like longer than it has been. I mean, life on the Normandy has that effect. We pack a lot into the average week,” Cortez agreed amiably. 

“Yeah. So… we know each other pretty well.”

Where was he going with this, Cortez wondered. “Most people on this ship know each other pretty well.”

“But there’s still some things people keep to themselves.” This sounded serious, and Cortez put down the gun he was working on, giving James his full attention. 

“What is it?” he asked softly.

“You know I’ve dated a few women, right?” 

At the words, Cortez felt a sensation that was strangely like disappointment. Okay, so he’d always known James was straight, but even so… this sounded like he was getting serious about one woman in particular. And the sense of loss he felt made no sense… “Yeah. But I didn’t think you’d been seeing anyone lately.”

“I haven’t. But I’ve been thinking about it. I got a call about the N7 program. They want me to join up-“

“Holy shit! Congratulations.”

“Yeah.” James looked bashfully pleased. “But then I got to thinking about everything else in my life. Where I want to be in the future. Career. Family. I haven’t been seeing anyone since I joined the Alliance. Just wanted to focus on my career for a while. But right before I joined up, I was seeing someone.”

“And you want to get in touch with her again?”

“No! It’s not… It wasn’t…” James fell silent, his face flushed red. He shifted uncomfortably. “It wasn’t a woman.”

Cortez frowned. An alien? Is that what James meant? There weren’t many on earth, but there were always the few asari or turian diplomats wandering around, ambassadors from other colonies. “An asari?” he guessed.

“No. A man.”

Cortez’s jaw dropped. Shit, that was the last thing he had ever expected-

“See! This is why I don’t tell anyone.” James burst off the stool, pacing away across the shuttle bay. “Everyone takes one look at me and thinks okay, big, tough marine, he must be straight. Why don’t I just get to be me?”

“Shit, James… I’d never judge you for… whatever your preferences are. You know that, right?”

“I know,” James said grumpily, coming to sit down again. “But everyone has, for so long. Before I joined the Normandy, I mean. And you get so used to hiding it all the time…”

“Yeah, I get that,” Cortez said, the words solemn and heartfelt. His teenage years, before he came out, had been difficult. He’d finally told his parents, in shy, halting words, that he had kissed a boy, and he’d liked it, and though they had simply accepted him for who he was, some of his friends hadn’t been so kind. But meeting Robert, sharing the years they’d had together had been worth the occasional biting comments from the sidelines.

“So you’re bisexual?” Cortez asked, wanting to make sure he understood. But James shrugged, an awkward, uncomfortable gesture.

“I don’t know. I’m not generally attracted to men. But this guy I was seeing… there was something about him. And it just didn’t seem to matter what gender he was, he was just… we fit, you know? We fitted together.”

“You don’t have to find a label to put on it,” Cortez advised him. “Not everyone fits into a neat little box.”

“Yeah, thank god for that,” James said ruefully. 

“So you want to get back with this guy?” Cortez still wasn’t sure where James was heading with all this.

“No, not with him. But I figured I should tell you about him, because there’s… there’s another guy I’m interested in. And I didn’t know how you’d react to that if I just blurted it out.”

Cortez’s eyes opened wide. “It’s not the Major, is it?”

“What! No! God, where did you get that idea?”

“It’s just that he’s fairly new here, and… if you’ve just figured out that you’re interested in someone, he seemed like the likely choice.” 

“No. Not Alenko,” James repeated. There was another pause, and Cortez wondered whether it was possible to die of anticipation. James couldn’t possibly mean… they’d been friends for too long. And James had never shown an interest in him before. 

But he’d been acting strange lately. More chatty than usual. Doing odd little things like tidying the weapons bench, so Cortez didn’t have to do it. Helping him unpack supplies when they arrived.

“So who is it?” he asked finally, not able to stand the tension any more.

And James looked up at him with a bashful, hopeful, startled kind of expression. “It’s you.”

And suddenly Cortez saw their entire relationship in a different light. All the light-hearted flirting, all the teasing comments, the way James would work out with his shirt off, in full view of Cortez… Cortez had dismissed it all as meaningless banter between friends. But apparently, it was so much more…

“I never realised,” he said, stunned. 

James laughed, though Cortez thought it sounded tight. “You just thought I worked out in front of you for kicks?”

“Well… yeah.”

James seemed to be waiting for more, and Cortez realised he hadn’t actually given him an answer yet. “I’m really glad there was more to it than that.”

“Shit, just leave me hanging there, Esteban. I was starting to worry you really weren’t into me.”

“Well, let’s clear up any doubt about that,” Cortez said, and before he could think better of it, before he could talk himself out of it, he stepped forward and kissed James. It was a light, almost platonic touch, but it made the point that he had been aiming for … But then Cortez felt James’ hands on his waist, felt him part his lips, and holy hell, he was a good kisser… Cortez tilted his head, allowing James better access, his hands finding those firm, wide shoulders, heavy muscles bunched beneath his touch.

“Wow,” James murmured, when Cortez finally pulled back. “That’s even better than I expected.”

“So tell me more about this guy you’re into,” Cortez said with a smirk. “Cos I have a feeling you have excellent taste in men…”

 

 

“How’s Ashley?” 

Kaidan placed his glass of whiskey on the table and sat down. He and Shepard were in the bar on the top level of the Silver Coast Casino, a place on the Silversun Strip that was apparently all the rage. More upper class than Afterlife or Purgatory. Quieter, which he appreciated. And Shepard had apparently been waiting a while, a half-empty glass already in front of him.

“Shaken. But she’ll get back on her feet,” he said, wondering just what Shepard was thinking, after walking in on him and Ashley like that.

Shepard merely grunted at his reply, and idly spun his glass around in its puddle on the table.

“You wanted to talk?”

Shepard had cornered him after he came out of the lounge, had ordered him to meet him here in an hour’s time. And then had disappeared without any further explanation. So here he was, waiting for the talk that was either going to clear the air between them – difficult to see how that could happen – or was going to get him a desk job between a potted plant and a 75 year old typist. Anderson had said he wouldn’t thank him for his assignment to the Normandy. And Kaidan had a feeling he was only about half an hour out from proving that to be true.

But Shepard still said nothing, watching the reflected lights in his drink as he swirled the liquid. Until, at length, he sighed, and raised his eyes to Kaidan’s. “Thank you,” he said roughly. “For saving us.”

And he sounded so surprised by the whole event that Kaidan felt vaguely offended. “I know you said you didn’t trust me… but you honestly expected me to leave you to suffocate to death in a museum vault? That’s harsh, Shepard. Even for you.”

“No!” Shepard denied quickly. “It wasn’t that I thought you wouldn’t try. I just didn’t expect you to succeed. And don’t take that as an insult. The mercs we were up against were good. Damn clever. I didn’t expect you to find out we were missing until it was too late.”

“Did EDI tell you about losing contact with her platform? That was the only thing that let us know anything was wrong.”

“Yeah. Look… I’m not trying to insult you here. All I’m saying is that saving our asses wasn’t an easy task. And you did it exceptionally well. So thank you.”

Well. That was… unexpected. “You’re welcome.”

An awkward silence descended.

“So are you kicking me off the ship, or what?” Kaidan couldn’t help asking, not caring that he sounded insubordinate. Make some waves, Shepard had told him. And hell yeah, he was ready to try that. Nothing else he had done aboard this flying circus had yielded any decent results.

But Shepard’s reply knocked the wind right out of him. 

“No.”

“What?”

“I said no.”

Kaidan floundered for something to say. “Just like that, no questions asked? Not that I’m not grateful, but… why not?”

“You saved my life. You saved my crew’s lives. And you flatly lied to a C-Sec officer about how you did that.” Shepard shrugged. “Everything else is water under the bridge. Today you proved that you’ve got my back. I don’t take that sort of thing lightly.”

And there it was, his get out of jail free card. He could walk away, keep his position on the Normandy, with the crew’s full respect, and never have to let his darkest secrets see the light of day.

But all he could think about was the way Liara had told him her story. The way Chakwas had told hers. The cohesion and respect among the crew, for Shepard, for each other. And god help him, he wanted to be a part of that.

“Thank you,” he said, feeling strangely calm. “That means a lot to me. But I can’t accept it.”

Shepard looked shocked. “You want to leave?”

“No. I want to stay. But I talked to some of the crew this afternoon. Joker. Chakwas. Liara.”

Comprehension dawned on Shepard’s face. “So you didn’t like what you heard?”

How to answer that one? None of the stories had been pleasant. But they all revealed a deeper, grittier side to the Normandy, an underbelly in which each crew member would shed blood on behalf of the others. “You had to make tough decisions,” Kaidan said finally. “And what I understood from the crew was that, even if you made decisions to do terrible things, they were still the best decisions that could be made under the circumstances.”

Shepard rubbed his jaw as he thought about that. “Yeah,” he agreed finally. “I guess that’s true.”

“You said this crew was built on trust. And I see that now. And I trust you to do what’s best for the crew, for the galaxy. And to make the tough decisions no one else wants to make. But there’s something missing in all that.” Kaidan took a deep breath, steadying himself for what was to come. “I need you to understand who I am, and what you can really expect from me.” Kaidan drained his glass, then signaled to a waitress for another. He was going to need it. “Everyone has stories to tell,” he said. “And this is mine.” 

And then he told him. About his CO finding out that he was gay. The snide comments. The insults. And then the pack of men who had cornered him in a dark alley. Six of them. A bloody beating first, his combat skills not nearly good enough against odds of six-to-one. And then being pressed to the ground, his pants yanked down… the rape, seemingly never ending, the gag forced into his mouth to muffle his screams, his hands tied behind his back to stop his struggles. The taunts, that if he was such a faggot, he should be enjoying this. He stared at the table top throughout the entire story, his hands clenched into fists. And Shepard said nothing. He went on, told him about the civilian who had found him later, had called an ambulance. The three months he’d spent haunting the hospital ward, shitting into a bag, his bowels torn almost beyond repair. He lifted his shirt and showed Shepard the colostomy scar, a daily reminder of his suffering and humiliation.

He told him about the heart-stopping day that he’d overheard idle gossip, had realised that this was no random attack, that it was the deliberate work of a man who hated gays almost as much as he hated aliens, hated alien sympathizers, hated anti-Alliance demonstrators, hated everyone who didn’t value the hard line military dictatorship that he saw as being the natural order of the world.

And finally, the admission that, as much as he had wanted to move on, had wanted to be a marine the Alliance could be proud of, he was still terrified of himself, of being discovered, of being targeted again, and that Shepard’s actions in Afterlife had scared him and confused him and made him so damned ashamed of himself all over again that a strategic retreat had been the only viable option.

Kaidan let his final words fade to silence… and then he dared to look up at Shepard. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but the black fury on the man’s face made his blood run cold. The hate that shone out of those cold blue eyes made him physically retreat, leaning back in his chair, eyes darting to check where the nearest exit was. But then Shepard spoke…

“Who was it?” he asked, his voice carefully controlled.

“Who was who?”

“Your CO?”

And Kaidan immediately saw where this was going. “No,” he said flatly. “You’re not going to-“

_“Who was it?”_

Kaidan forced himself to stay in control, to think rationally. “You think plotting some kind of sick revenge is going to fix this?”

“I think some people deserve what’s coming to them.”

“No.”

“That man is a blight upon the Alliance. I serve with pride, and with humility – don’t you dare give me lip for that statement – I serve with humility, because I know that it takes courage and a willingness to bleed and to die to defend humanity in what is a cold and hostile galaxy. That man needs to be taught what honor is. What justice is. No one fucks with my crew and gets away with it.”

“No,” Kaidan said again, fully prepared to deal with Shepard’s wrath. “What will you do? Kill him? So what? I still live with this every day. Have him raped and beaten, like he did to me?” He could see from Shepard’s expression that the idea appealed. “That only makes me – or you, if you arrange it – as bad as him.”

“So you just walk away and do nothing?”

“And this becomes my story,” Kaidan said, knowing he was pushing too hard, and not willing to stop. “You broke Joker’s arm. You killed Liara’s mother. So now, you let the man who shamed the Alliance and tortured his subordinate get off without being punished. _Because that’s the way I want it_.”

“I did what I did before because it was the best I could do for my crew at the time. How is letting this be swept under the rug _better_?”

“Maybe it’s not about what’s better,” Kaidan said softly. “Maybe it’s about trusting me to make my own choices.”

“Fuck!” Shepard shoved his glass away angrily. 

And then another thought occurred to Kaidan. Shepard wasn’t likely to give up this easily… “Look, Shepard… we both know that you could just look up my records and find out who it was. You could find out when I was in hospital, compare the time frames, and come up with a name in thirty seconds flat.” And from the look on Shepard’s face, it wasn’t clear if the idea had already occurred to him, but now that it had been suggested, he clearly liked it a lot. “But I’m asking you not to.”

“Why not?”

“Because revenge is not the way I do things.”

The confusion on Shepard’s face was as frightening as it was endearing. It was heart-warming to realise that this man would go out of his way to seek revenge, to see that justice was served for a thirteen year old crime. But also scary to know that revenge was par for the course, where he was concerned.

“I didn’t tell you this because I need you getting involved in it. In fact, I’d much prefer you stay well away from it. But I needed you to understand who I am, and how I work, and that all the good intentions in the world aren’t going to turn me into an easy going, open, friendly guy overnight. I’ve got a lot of baggage. And I promise you that that will never interfere with any mission I serve on. But when it’s down time, when I’m left to my own devices, yes, I like my privacy. I like a little solitude. I take a long time to get to know people. And if you don’t want to work with that, then yeah, maybe I shouldn’t be on your ship.”

“I’m not kicking you off the ship,” Shepard said firmly, though his frustration bled through in his tone. “ _If_ ,” he added, “this is really where you want to be.”

“It is,” Kaidan said immediately. “I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.”

“Good to hear,” Shepard said with a smile, and Kaidan imagined that it was relief he could see in his eyes. “Then let’s get another drink, and talk about something less fucking depressing that this.”

Kaidan grinned. He had a feeling it was going to be a late night…


	10. Of course it's a trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard gets a message from Eclipse. It is a trap? Of course it is. But he's willing to take the bait anyway...

Kaidan was watching Shepard surreptitiously out of the corner of his eye. He was in the CIC, working at one of the terminals, while Shepard did whatever he did at his private terminal. It was fast becoming a habit, watching the man as he concentrated, that all-too-familiar furrow across his forehead, the way his eyes narrowed when he found something interesting. And Kaidan had reluctantly admitted to himself that he chose which terminal he would use based on how well he could see Shepard without having to turn his head and therefore be obvious about it. 

But for the past eight minutes, Shepard had been behaving a little different than usual. He’d been staring at the screen, motionless, eyes narrowed… then he’d go to type something, but hesitate… then he’d go back to staring at the screen. Tap his thumb against the console. Rub his chin. Then make another half-hearted attempt at typing.

“Major?” he said suddenly, and Kaidan tried not to look startled by the interruption. Shepard wanted to talk to him? Why?

“Sir?”

“Come and read this,” Shepard ordered, sounding impatient.

So Kaidan headed over, surprised at having been chosen for a second opinion. Okay, so he was the highest ranking human on the ship, but if he wanted advice, surely Shepard would go to Garrus? He was the ship’s XO, and he had just as much experience as Kaidan. More so, when dealing with Shepard’s erratic style of command.

“What do you make of that,” Shepard demanded, stepping away from the screen so Kaidan could read the message.

It was a note from an Eclipse member. Explaining that the shoot out at the archives hadn’t been their idea. The claim was that they had been paid to do it, without knowing who had hired them, and the member writing to them now was concerned about the loss of eighteen of their members and reluctant to let Shepard take down the rest of the Eclipse organisation based on accusations which were not true. She had requested a meeting, emphasising that it should be between just her and Shepard. She didn’t want the rest of Eclipse – or whoever had hired them – getting wind of her turncoat move. And she was promising evidence that would help Shepard get to the bottom of whoever was causing all this trouble.

Kaidan read through the entire message twice. Opened his mouth to say something. Glanced at Shepard. Closed his mouth again. Tapped his fingers against the console. “That’s… odd,” he said finally. 

“Conference room,” Shepard said succinctly, leading the way.

Once away from the rest of the crew, Shepard turned to him with a raised eyebrow. “Well?”

“It has trap written all over it,” Kaidan said first, aware he was stating the obvious.

“But?”

“When you dealt with the first mech, it looked like the Blood Pack. Then it looked like the Blue Suns were setting up the Blood Pack. Now it’s Eclipse, except they’re claiming someone hired them to take the flak, which is the same thing the Blue Suns claimed about murdering the C-Sec Captain.”

“So?”

“So I want to know who the hell we’re really dealing with,” Kaidan said, an edge to his voice. And the rush of energy, the potent desire to tackle this head on, to shake the puzzle until the pieces fell into place, was shocking. It had been so long since he’d really _felt_ , suddenly consumed by this enthusiasm and the indignation at being played and the curiosity to solve this deepening mystery. He wanted in. And Shepard grinned at his words. 

“It could still be a trap,” Shepard pointed out, looking like he was enjoying this.

“It probably is a trap,” Kaidan agreed pragmatically. “But it’s also the only lead we currently have.” And then he caught the look on Shepard’s face. “Oh, fuck, no. You can’t go in alone.”

“That’s what the message asked for. And realistically, I’ll be unarmed. Aside from a sidearm. Let’s face it,” he explained, at Kaidan’s horrified look, “a spectre wandering around the Citadel in armor with four guns strapped to his back? That’s hardly the subtle by-the-way this woman is looking for.”

“At least take some back up.”

“Garrus will be nearby. He’s an excellent sniper.”

And that, at least, was a relief. “You really think this message is legit?”

Kaidan expected some kind of easy dismissal, a reckless acceptance of a challenge from Shepard. But instead, he sighed, seeming to pause and think about the situation. “I think that if I don’t take up the offer, we’ll never find out who’s doing this.” It was a more careful, considered answer than he was known for giving. 

“You’re going to tell the rest of the crew about this, right?”

“The combat squad,” Shepard agreed. “Joker. And Cortez. In case we need a pick up.”

“And Chakwas?”

But Shepard just grinned. “She’s been on this ship long enough to know to expect trouble at any hour of the day or night. I’ve gotten worse injuries from going to a bar with a krogan than I have on some of the missions that required heavy weapons and stealth drops into LZs swamped with hostiles.”

“And why doesn’t that make me feel better?”

 

 

Five hours later, Kaidan was in the starboard lounge, trying to concentrate. Shepard was out at his ‘meeting’, Garrus having searched out a convenient perch above the arranged location, and the turian had disappeared long before Shepard had been due to leave the ship. So now, he was simply waiting, hoping Shepard came back in one piece, eager for news on their mysterious enemy.

“Kaidan?”

Kaidan looked up from the data pad he was working on as Liara came into the lounge. “Liara. Hey.”

She smiled at him. “Traynor said you tended to spend your time in here. Are you busy?”

He put the data pad down. “Nothing that can’t wait.”

“Do you mind if we talk?” She took a hesitant seat on the other end of the couch and Kaidan nodded. 

“Sure. What’s on your mind?”

“I wanted to talk to you about Shepard.”

Okay, that wasn’t what he had been expecting. “Oh? Is there a problem?”

“Well, no, not really. But that’s why I wanted to say something. It seems that since you arrived, you’ve been having a rather… stabilising effect on him. I’m not the only one who’s noticed,” she added, at Kaidan’s skeptical look. “The rest of the crew agree.”

“Stabilising? So fighting thirty mechs while injured and getting himself locked in a vault is an improvement? And if so, I’d just love to know what he was like before I got here.”

Liara took the rhetorical question literally. “He gets drunk less often now. Before it was pretty much every time we were docked at a space station with a bar. He hasn’t been headbutting random krogan. He hasn’t been visiting the…” She cleared her throat. “…the asari dancers in the clubs, lately. He hasn’t tried to drink ryncol again.”

What? “He drank ryncol?”

“Yes.” Liara’s tone was far from impressed. “I’m not sure what inspired the attempt, but he spent three hours vomiting and two days recovering afterwards. Garrus and Ashley had to carry him back to the ship.”

Kaidan rubbed his eyes in frustration. Just when he thought he’d gotten a handle on the guy, more stories popped up that suggested he would be better off in a mental institute, rather than in charge of the most advanced ship in the Alliance.

“And he asked for back up when the mission to the warehouse went bad. I can’t even remember the last time he didn’t just charge on ahead, guns blazing, regardless of what the odds were.”

“And why, exactly, do you think I have anything to do with this?”

Liara blushed, the purple tint to her cheeks darkening attractively. “It was Cortez. You know they were… um…”

“They were sleeping together,” Kaidan said, sparing her the embarrassment. The Shadow Broker was bashful about sex? Then again, he reminded himself, she was awfully young for an asari. Maybe she wasn’t due to tackle that whole sphere of life for another hundred years or so…

“Yes. But they’re not any more. Cortez says the last time they were together was the night you arrived. Shepard just lost interest in him after that.”

Kaidan didn’t know whether to be flattered, embarrassed or terrified by the idea. He’d made it clear to Shepard that their relationship was to remain on professional ground.

“And he said that you were the reason they called it quits.”

That got his attention. “Cortez said that?”

“According to Cortez, Shepard said that.” 

Well, wasn’t that awkward… But still, that was weeks ago. Maybe it was just a passing comment that he had moved on from-

“I’m not trying to interfere. It’s none of my business, really.” Liara looked away, still embarrassed by the line of conversation. “But…”

“But?”

“Well… I just wanted to mention…” Kaidan waited, while Liara searched for the words to explain. “I just wanted to mention that… if you were interested in him… I’m fairly sure he’d be willing to… develop some sort of partnership with you. Maybe even something… permanent. I’m sorry, I’m not sure how these things work for humans. Asari don’t always bond with a partner, even if the relationship turns… intimate. But I’m led to believe it’s quite common for humans, and… well… I think it would be good for him,” she admitted finally. “I’m sorry if I’m speaking out of turn,” she went on, avoiding his gaze. “I don’t really understand the gender differences that humans have, but I’ve been told there can be barriers to two people of the same gender forming a bond, but Ashley said that you were interested in other males, and so I thought maybe-“

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Kaidan interrupted, feeling his cheeks heat. Ashley had outed him to the crew? Great… though after his chat with Shepard, the idea wasn’t as intimidating as it would have been a few days ago. But Liara was just stumbling from one embarrassing moment to the next, and he was more than inclined to stop her before she dug the hole any deeper. “Thank you for the, um… the insights you have there. And I’ll think about… whether I want to pursue anything with Shepard,” he told her. It wasn’t a flat refusal, which might just be more embarrassing for them both, but it was far from agreement, allowing himself plenty of wiggle room to refuse to actually enter said relationship later.

But to his relief, Liara smiled at his words. “Oh. Okay. Well, that’s good. I’m glad I could be of some help.” She stood up. “I should get back to my-“

Garrus’ voice suddenly broke into the conversation, his commands sharp over the comm channel. “All combat personnel report to the shuttle bay immediately. Shepard’s in trouble.”

With an alarmed glance at each other, Kaidan and Liara both dashed for the elevator. 

 

 

Shepard ducked into a corner and swore fluently. He’d known this was a trap, but apparently, Eclipse hadn’t been the ones to lay it. And now he was trapped in a maintenance tunnel, unknown assailants on his tail and three shots left before he ran out of thermal clips.

His asari contact had shown as planned, seated at a table in Apollo’s café. And Shepard had ordered a drink and sat at the adjacent table, ignoring her, as far as any observer would be aware. She’d been fiddling with a data pad, doing a perfect impression of a bored patron killing time. And then she’d spoken, soft, barely audible words meant for his ears only.

“Seems you’ve pissed someone off. Our orders were to lure you to the archives, in the event that we couldn’t kill you the old fashioned way.”

“So you could lock me in a vault? Seems a little melodramatic.” 

“No,” the asari had replied, perusing the menu with disinterest. “Just to the entrance. I have no idea who was waiting for you inside. The vault was a bad move, definitely not our style.”

“And you don’t know who hired you?”

“This data pad will tell you everything we know,” she said, examining her nails. “C-Sec keeps confiscating our mechs. But we’re not responsible for this. We can’t hack the main system. But we did manage to steal one of the rogue platforms. Had our tech team analyse it. The results are here for you.”

“So what do you want from me?”

“C-Sec off our backs. We’ve had a deal with them for ages. We don’t cause too much trouble, and they cut us some slack. That’s not working any more. And I’d be very appreciative if you didn’t kill any more of our guys.”

“It seems my reputation precedes me.”

“I’m done here,” the asari said, standing up. She tucked in her chair, subtly tucking the data pad onto the seat. “Don’t try to follow me.”

She walked away, Shepard watching her out of the corner of his eye. And then he fiddled with his omni-tool… and ‘accidentally’ dropped his credit chit on the ground. Bent down to pick it up and snagged the data pad as he ‘steadied’ himself on the asari’s chair.

And he actually thought he might have gotten away with this, as the waiter brought his drink over. He didn’t attempt to read the data pad yet, just tucked it out of sight, knowing he could be being watched. 

He finished his drink, being careful not to rush, then stood up and made his way back to the elevator. Checked out one of the stores to see if they had any new fish. 

Summoned the elevator and waited for the doors to open.

Stepped inside and selected the docks.

And then the doors closed… and the elevator plummeted in freefall.

“EDI!” Even as he fell, Shepard was attempting to hack the elevator controls, but the cry to EDI was an instinctive one. She had been asked to monitor the situation, given the high risk nature of it, and if she was already aware of the elevator’s malfunction, she might be able to hack the controls faster than he could, fast enough to save his life. If not… then he really didn’t have time to explain anything.

“Attempting override,” her voice came through his earpiece, calm and smooth as always. “Override successful. Brace yourself.”

He took her advice, abandoning his own hacking attempt and felt the elevator slow suddenly. He hit the floor hard, rolled… and then felt a jarring impact as the elevator hit the bottom of the shaft. The impact cracked his head on the floor and a loud groan suggested that damage had been done to the car he was in… but the rough landing was a damn sight better than slamming into the ground at freefall velocity. 

He waited a moment for the room to stop spinning, then slowly picked himself off the floor, catching his breath.

“My apologies, Shepard,” EDI said through the comm link. “I selected a deceleration vector designed to maximise the likelihood of your survival. Unfortunately, there was no way to slow the car sufficiently to avoid all injuries.”

“That’s okay, EDI,” he said, attempting to pry the doors open. “You did a great job.”

The door gave a little, and Shepard managed to squeeze through. It looked like he was in some kind of maintenance area, sterile white walls, tunnels in all directions. “Which way to get out of here?”

“This area is not part of the standard Citadel access routes. I will attempt to locate a map.”

And then Shepard caught a glimpse of movement up ahead, a large figure that rounded a corner and then darted away again. It was definitely not a Keeper. 

“I have a feeling I’m going to need some back up,” he said, checking his pistol. Thankfully it looked like the fall hadn’t damaged it.

“Garrus has already summoned the crew. He became alarmed when the elevator would not come when he summoned it. I have informed him of the situation.”

Thank god for a reliable XO. 

And then the bullets started flying. His attackers had a good vantage point, but the frequent intersections of the tunnels meant there was plenty of cover, provided they didn’t come at him from too many directions at once. Shepard ducked behind a wall and returned fire, aware that his thermal clips were limited. Not much space to hide those in civilian clothing. 

But as he nailed one of the shooters between the eyes, he got a good look at them… and these were no Eclipse mercs. There were no Eclipse symbols on their armor, and that was… A turian! There were no turians in Eclipse!

“Garrus?” he tried the comm link. “Might need a little help here.”

“On my way, Shepard,” Garrus’ voice came back at him, sounding just a little out of breath. “EDI’s trying to find a way through to you, but the elevators are out of order and the maintenance hatches are locked. Looks like someone wanted you all on your own.”

A grenade landed at his feet, and Shepard dove around a corner as it exploded. If he’d been wearing armor, the impact would have been negligible. But as it was, in civilian clothes with no armor and no shields, he felt a burning sensation up his right leg. But there was no time to worry about it. More soldiers were heading his way, and he suspected he was about to have a _really_ bad afternoon…


	11. Are you flirting with me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan has to rescue Shepard - again - and the pair engage in a little light flirting in a rather tight space.

Shepard bolted down a corridor, skidding around a corner. The hall in front of him looked exactly the same as the last dozen had, but he had little choice but to keep going. The soldiers were on his tail, and he was down to his last three shots before his thermal clip was spent. His leg was throbbing painfully, the grenade having shredded his jeans and left what must be at least second degree burns on his leg. Though he hadn’t actually stopped to examine the wound. 

And EDI still hadn’t managed to find a map of the tunnels he was in. 

Footsteps sounded from the right, so Shepard turned left, trying to keep his gait even, to not give in to the urge to limp. 

“There he is!”

“Shit…” Shepard used his last shots, taking out the two closest troopers… and then he spotted a maintenance hatch. If he could get through it, he might at least be able to get away from these clean, white walls and into somewhere with some decent cover. He dove for the hatch, grabbing the access handle and yanking as hard as he could.

 

 

Kaidan raced through the maintenance hallways, Ashley on his heels, following EDI’s erratic instructions on how to get to Shepard – erratic, she had pointed out, not because she was giving bad instructions, but because Shepard was moving at a fast rate, trying to evade his attackers.

“I have located a map of the tunnels,” she declared suddenly. “Continue straight ahead and you will come to an access hatch. Shepard is currently attempting to open it.”

He raced on ahead, sidestepping some stunned maintenance engineers and an oblivious Keeper, and almost missed the hatch, buried as it was behind two crates and a computer terminal.

“Ash! Give us a hand with this…”

Together they shoved the crate out of the way and thankfully, the hatch had a manual override on the lock. He slid the lock open and yanked the cover towards himself… hauling Shepard half out of the tunnel as he clung to the other side.

“Grenade! Now!” Shepard ordered, and Ashley was on it, pulling the clip and tossing the grenade into the tunnel behind him, no questions asked. And Kaidan understood once again why Shepard needed a crew he could trust – and who trusted him. If this sort of a thing was a regular occurrence, then even a second’s hesitation could cost him – or one of his crew – their lives. 

Kaidan grabbed his collar and hauled him out through the hatch, getting him into cover just as the grenade blew. And then he shoved the cover back in place and jammed the lock closed. It wouldn’t stop whoever was after them, but it would certainly slow them down.

“I’m out of thermal clips,” Shepard said, staggering to his feet, and Kaidan and Ash both immediately handed him one. He took them both, shoving one into his gun and the other into his pocket.

“Exit’s this way,” Kaidan said, leading the way. “Are you injured?”

“His leg’s bleeding,” Ashley said, taking up the rear, and Kaidan immediately dialed up a dose of medigel on his omni-tool.

“Over here,” he said, ducking into a sheltered alcove.

“I’m fine, it’s just a flesh wound-“

“Hold still,” Kaidan snapped, examining the wound. “Fuck! What did you do, stick your leg in a blender?” He applied the medigel, relieved when the bleeding stopped quickly. 

But before they could do anything else, a bullet embedded itself in the wall beside Kaidan’s head, and he immediately had a barrier up, his gun out, returning fire, taking out a soldier lurking in the doorway.

“What the hell?”

“Someone’s decided they really, really don’t like me,” Shepard said dryly, sparing a glance at his leg. “It’s not Eclipse. The meeting went down fine-“

“Shepard? Where are you?” Garrus demanded over the comm link. “EDI says I’m not far from your position.”

“Under fire and bunkered down,” Shepard replied, firing shots at more soldiers as they tried to enter the room. “If you’re headed this way, be prepared for heavy resistance.”

“Understood,” Garrus said, then the comm channel went dead.

“We should get out of here,” Ashley said pragmatically. “The passage to the far right should lead back to the main shopping district.”

“And at least if we’re in a public space, they might think twice about shooting anything that moves,” Kaidan said, knowing it might be too optimistic an assumption.

“Let’s move,” Shepard ordered, and Kaidan set up a barrier, allowing them to dash from cover to cover, edging their way towards the doorway. Ashley took point, her aim perfect, taking out soldiers with almost frightening precision.

But just before they reached the doorway, one of their attackers suddenly changed tactics, shooting at something high above them… and Kaidan spared a glance upwards, seeing a fuel tank sitting on a platform overhead. The tank exploded, and he tackled Shepard, diving for safety as the platform crashed down around them.

“Ash?” Shepard called, the instant the debris settled. 

“Here!” she called, from the far side of the platform, and Kaidan’s heart sank. She had made it to the passage they had been aiming for, but there was no way he and Shepard could reach her, a couple of tons of twisted metal in their way. “Are you alright?”

“Not hurt… fuck!” A bullet grazed his ear, and he sent an overload towards the shooter, feeling a wave of satisfaction as a hissing, popping sound indicated that someone’s armor had just been fried. “We’re going to have to find another way out.”

“I have a map of the area,” EDI interrupted, and he’d never been so grateful to hear her voice. “There is a ventilation shaft directly behind you. If you can access it, pursuit should be difficult and I can lead you to the embassies.”

Kaidan looked around… and sure enough, there was a narrow hatch half way up the wall. He backed towards it, making sure Shepard was with him… and was it his imagination, or was Shepard moving slower than usual?

“You okay?” he asked, taking out another soldier.

“Fine,” came the tight reply, and Kaidan knew it was a lie. But there was little he could do until they were in safer circumstances. 

“Get into the shaft,” he said, in a tone that would take no argument. “I’ll keep a barrier up until you’re in.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re stubborn, Major?” Shepard asked, sounding annoyed. But he moved towards the shaft none the less. 

“Every teacher I ever had,” Kaidan replied. “Including the infamous Vyrnnus.”

And Shepard chuckled. “Remind me not to argue with you, then.”

Once Shepard was safely tucked away, Kaidan sent out a wide cryo blast, buying himself enough time to leap into the shaft and shuffle off around the corner before anyone managed to launch a counter attack. And then he was crawling after Shepard, watching that firm, toned ass sway in front of him as they edged their way along a seemingly endless array of tunnels, EDI’s instructions in their ears.

“You wouldn’t be staring at my ass there, would you, Major?” Shepard asked, as he squeezed around a corner. 

And god knows what had gotten into him, but Kaidan heard himself reply, “Look but don’t touch? Isn’t that what they taught us in grade school?” Christ, what was he thinking?

Shepard chuckled, a warm, husky sound. “Yeah, well I wouldn’t object to you forgetting that particular lesson.”

And god help him, Kaidan actually lifted a hand to reach out… stopping himself just inches from his target, a mental smack bringing him back to reality. And then, to his utter shock and astonishment, he realised that it wasn’t the fact that he had nearly touched another man that had pulled him up short, but the idea that there could be soldiers in the vents hot on their tails, and any delay could mean a confrontation in very tight quarters. Which was an entirely legitimate concern, he knew, but for so long, death and injury and pain had been a secondary concern, overshadowed by the terrifying thought of another man getting too close, getting into his personal space, that heart-stopping terror of touching another human male…

But god, he wanted to touch Shepard.

What the hell was wrong with him?

Or maybe, he realised, it was that something was finally right. Shepard had brought a reckless instability to his life, an off-kilter spin where anything could happen – and frequently did. But he knew now, without a shadow of a doubt, that he trusted this man. Trusted him with his life, with his secrets, with his body.

But could he trust him with his heart? Because for all his honor and integrity when it came to his crew, Shepard was still decidedly _casual_ about his relationships. In a way that Kaidan could never be…

Enough, Kaidan scolded himself mentally. There would be plenty of time to ponder these things when they weren’t crawling through duct-space in an effort to out-run unnamed opponents with a score to settle.

“There is a hatch directly below you,” EDI said, and Shepard stopped, Kaidan having just enough notice to not run into him from behind. “The hatch will let you out in the hallway outside the Spectre office.”

“Not exactly subtle,” Shepard complained, even as he wrenched the hatch open. And then he shuffled around, getting his legs out the hatch, dropped down and disappeared from view. Kaidan made a hasty maneuver to follow him, and then he, too, was dropping down, tired and dusty, into the embassy area of the Citadel.

They both looked around, guns held low, to assure themselves that no further hostilities were evident. “Looks like we’re good,” Shepard said finally, holstering his gun. Two nearby spectres looked at them with confused expressions, but, when Shepard merely ignored them, Kaidan decided to follow his lead.

“So do we know who was trying to kill you?” Kaidan asked, keeping his voice low as they made their way towards the elevator. 

“No,” Shepard admitted. “But it seems Eclipse was genuine in their offer of information. The contact gave me a data pad…”

He pulled one out of his jacket… and swore. The data pad was cracked and splintered, no doubt damaged at some point during their battle.

“Maybe EDI can get something useful off it,” Kaidan suggested, trying to maintain a sense of optimism. It would piss him off no end if they’d just gone to all that trouble for no benefit.

“Let’s hope so,” Shepard replied, shoving the data pad away again. “EDI? If we get into this elevator, are we going to make it back to the Normandy, this time?”

“I have already gained control of the elevator,” EDI informed them. “It would be a relief to have you back on board.”

“Good to know someone still appreciates me,” Shepard grumbled as he stepped into the elevator car.

“If you’re implying that present company is an exception to that sentiment,” Kaidan said, once more wondering what the hell was coming out of his mouth, “then you might note that I just spent half an hour chasing your ass around a ventilation shaft with no more incentive than the view.” Did he really just say that?

“Are you flirting with me, Major?” Shepard asked, them immediately dismissed the question. “No, don’t answer that. Just let me live in the illusion.”

Wisely, Kaidan’s libido decided to say nothing.

 

 

Kaidan stood up as Shepard limped his way out of the medbay. 

“Thank the goddess you’re alright,” Liara said, voicing the opinion of the entire crew. Once they’d made it back to the docking bay, EDI had called the rest of the squad off the chase, and they’d gathered on deck 3 to hear what Shepard had to say. He’d given the shattered data pad to EDI immediately, and she’d gone to work, not just reading the information that Eclipse had given them, but going back to the original damaged mech and computer terminal that they’d collected, comparing the data. And Shepard had been grateful that he hadn’t turned the evidence over to C-Sec. If he had, no doubt it would have gotten lost amongst the mountains of paperwork and bureaucracy that swamped the department and they’d never have seen it again.

“I’ve had closer calls than that,” Shepard said dismissively, but as he passed Liara, Kaidan noticed, he reached out and gave her hand a squeeze. And once again, it was a case of actions speaking louder than words. Though sometimes Shepard’s actions took a fair while to understand, as well.

“EDI? What have you got?”

“I believe the crew would like to know more about your injuries, Shepard,” EDI replied firmly, and Shepard sighed. 

“Oh, for crying out loud. I’m fine. I got dropped twenty stories in an elevator, someone tried to blow my leg up and then I had to put up with Alenko trying to grope my ass while we crawled through a duct. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

And it showed how much progress he had made that Kaidan merely laughed at that with the rest of the crew, rather than getting angry, or upset, or wanting to go and hide in a closet somewhere. “I want to know who these bastards are,” Shepard said, all traces of humor gone. “And then I want to blow some shit up. So EDI? What have you got?”

“The mechs were hacked via a terminal in C-Sec headquarters,” she replied without preamble, and the entire crew gasped. “The hacking was almost untraceable because it used C-Sec security codes to access the mainframe. There was nothing to distinguish it from ordinary adjustments to the mechs’ operational programming.”

“C-Sec?” Garrus said, a dangerous tone to his voice. “If whoever is doing this has managed to breach C-Sec security, we’re dealing with a highly skilled – and very dangerous – group. C-Sec codes are changed weekly, and they have one of the best network defence systems available.”

“That is true,” EDI said. “Which is why I was not able to discover this information on my initial analysis of the mech we recovered. Eclipse has had frequent dealings with C-Sec over an extended period of time, allowing them to compile a significant body of information about their security systems.”

“Liara?” Shepard turned to her, a dark expression on his face. “What’s the rumor mill saying?”

“I have some agents pursuing a few angles, but nothing solid has come up so far. Whoever this is, they’re covering their tracks well.”

“We need to warn C-Sec,” Garrus said, and Kaidan supposed it was merely a testament to his loyalty to his old employer that he had failed to realise the obvious.

“No,” Kaidan and Shepard said at the same time – to Shepard’s apparent surprise. 

Kaidan deferred to Shepard with a small nod, and Shepard continued. “This has inside job written all over it. Spilling this will just send whoever’s behind it into hiding. But I will be going to talk to Captain Bailey. That’s one person we can trust, at least. Ashley, Garrus, you’ll be coming with me. But not til tomorrow,” he added. “It’s late, we’re tired, and I’ve been blown up enough for one day. Dismissed.”

 

 

Kaidan sat in the mess, dawdling over his meal. Most of the crew had finished and cleared out, but a few familiar faces still lingered. Gabby and Kenneth from engineering. They were clearly nuts about each other, together almost every waking moment, and he wondered why they didn’t just bite the bullet and tell each other how they felt. Traynor was sitting at the far end of the table, absorbed by whatever it was that was on her data pad. Long-distance chess, he suspected. She’d mentioned a friend back on earth who still liked to play her, and their current match was three weeks long and counting.

Kaidan stirred his rice idly about the plate, thinking about what Liara had said earlier that day.

At the time, he had simply dismissed it, not at all inclined to start a relationship with someone as ‘larger-than-life’ as Shepard. In the odd moments when he’d actually dared to think about a relationship, he’d imagined it would be with someone quiet. Easy going. Slightly serious, who didn’t draw too much attention to themselves. 

Everything the doctor had been, he realised, thinking back to that disastrous date. At the time, he’d told himself that the doctor wasn’t just quiet, he was boring. Dull. Austere. But maybe the problem hadn’t been the doctor at all. It was that he was looking for entirely the wrong thing.

Since joining the Normandy, he’d felt himself come alive again. The manic flight through the maintenance hallways this afternoon had been tough – no doubt about that – but it had also been exhilarating. He’d felt sharp, and energised, and _needed_ in a way that he hadn’t in years.

And Shepard had done all that for him.

He would have been happy to put all that admiration into a box labeled ‘Professional Regard’, sure that, despite his rampant libido, Shepard had no interest in a _relationship_ with him.

But then Liara had come along and punched a hole in all his firm self-assurance. And _Garrus_ thought he would settle down? The turian had been with Shepard right from the start, joining the Normandy only days after Shepard himself had. Surely if anyone knew the Commander, it would be Garrus?

But even then, he hadn’t been convinced. Not until he’d managed to _flirt_ , for the first time in years, and okay, so it hadn’t been a gold star performance, but it had been… fun. 

And so here he was, pondering what it would be like to get up close and personal with the Commander, finding himself just a little aroused by the idea – again, not an impressive thing for anyone else, but a marked improvement for a military officer who was still apprehensive about communal showers.

Could he risk it? Should he? And if he did… how did he explain to the Commander that _casual_ just wasn’t in his vocabulary?


	12. A step in the right direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Cortez spend some quality time together. And Shepard delivers some bad news to Bailey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes out to Mixk, who has consistently inspired and encouraged the Cortega aspects of this fic. Hope you enjoy it.

Cortez stuck his head into the shuttle bay… and yup, he could hear James working at his station. It was becoming a small habit of theirs, coming down here for some one-on-one time in the evening. During the day there was a constant flow of other staff in and out of the shuttle bay, and plenty of real work to be done, so they exchanged idle banter, but nothing of any real importance ever got said. 

Maybe, he thought in hindsight, that was why it had taken them so long to figure this out between them.

“Working hard, Mr. Vega?” he asked, stepping around the partition to James’ private little area.

And James looked up with a smile as he arrived. “No way, Esteban. Just waiting for you to get your lazy ass down here.”

Cortez slid his hands around James’ waist and kissed him on the neck, once again staggered by the sheer mass of _muscle_ on the man. And he sighed, a wistful sound that reminded him just how much he’d like to sample that flesh in a way that wasn’t restricted to kisses and the occasional full-body hug. But privacy on the Normandy was hard to come by – assuming you didn’t have your own private cabin – and even a meal shared in peace was all but an impossibility. The crew knew by now that they had something going on, but the result was teasing and knowing, sideways glances, not any attempt to give the men more privacy.

James made a husky sound as he accepted the embrace, and Cortez tensed just slightly. The almost-moan seemed to carry just a touch more _desire_ than any of their previous encounters – a subtle difference he picked up on only because of his years of marriage and the particular intimacy that that entailed – and he felt an answering twinge of excitement in his groin.

“Sounds like you’ve missed me,” he said, prepared to do a little teasing of his own. But to his consternation, James pulled away. Turned to face him, arms folded, leaning back against his work station with an unreadable expression.

 

 

James stared at Cortez, not quite sure how to express what was going through his mind. He’d stood on the ledge and jumped, back when he’d told the man how he felt about him. It had been a slowly developing set of feelings, starting with friendship, moving through admiration and camaraderie, until he’d finally figured out that it went deeper than that, that he’d wanted something of a far more intimate nature.

But even though Cortez had accepted the idea willingly, had embraced the chance to deepen their friendship - and god, James loved to coax those slow smiles and deep, husky chuckles from him, in the hours they spent tucked away down here together – the shuttle pilot had made no real attempt at extending the relationship onto physical territory. James had been prepared to take his cue from Cortez, assuming the man had far more experience at this than he did. Hell, he was still a virgin, in homosexual terms at least. His one and only boyfriend had been more than willing to get frisky with him, but mutual inexperience had meant that they’d only dipped their toes into the water, sharing a few hand jobs and blow jobs before James had been called up after his enlistment application, and that had been the end of it.

But shit, Cortez was a good looking man. He had a voice that could melt butter. And that soft, compassionate touch just made James feel all gooey inside… So why the hell was he keeping his hands to himself?

“You all talk, Esteban?” he asked, not at all sure how to handle this, but determined to move things along one way or another. “Or are you ready to put a little action into the mix?”

And shit, the way Cortez’s eyes widened, the way his eyebrows climbed on his forehead suggested that James had just overstepped some unspoken boundary.

“Uh… sure,” Cortez said, not sounding sure at all. “I just didn’t think…”

“Didn’t think what?”

“I thought that maybe that might be moving a little too fast.”

Too fast _for you_ was the implication, though he didn’t say so, and James felt a familiar wave of resentment crest and disperse. Okay, so he wasn’t entirely sure of his own sexuality. And damned if he could find a nice, neat label to put on it. But that didn’t mean Cortez had to think he was afraid to get his feet wet.

But maybe, he reminded himself, maybe he just hadn’t been clear enough about his own feelings. Cortez wasn’t a pushy guy. He’d been married for years, and as far as James knew, this was his first serious relationship since Robert’s death. 

At least, he hoped it was serious. He certainly felt that way about Cortez.

So he decided to cut the guy some slack, and try stepping up to the plate himself. 

He pushed off the work bench and stepped closer. Felt that by-now-familiar pulse of nerves in his stomach, the vague apprehension that seemed to be part desire, part fear. Kind of like the first time he’d slept with a woman, he thought dimly. She’d been three years older than his modest sixteen, drop dead gorgeous – or at least he’d thought so at the time – and he’d been flirting with her on the beach for weeks before he’d finally caught her attention.

But that was years ago, he reminded himself, sliding a hand around Cortez’s waist and pulling him closer. And this was now. He didn’t want to screw this up, didn’t want to damage their friendship. But he’d also had enough of waiting.

“I’m ready to step it up a gear,” he murmured, leaning in to kiss the pilot. And he was reminded all over again that Cortez was a champion in this department. But after no more than a few moments, Cortez pulled back with a chuckle that sounded just a touch too nervous for James’ liking.

“What, here? Now?”

“Now, definitely,” James confirmed. “But I’m open to a change of location. If you can think of somewhere in this flying circus where we’ll be less likely to be interrupted?”

It was extremely rare for anyone else to venture into the shuttle bay at this time of night, so James was surprised when Cortez nodded and took James’ hand. “Come here,” he said… but instead of heading towards the elevator, he led them instead towards the docked Kodiak. And James had to appreciate his sense of foresight. Okay, so if anyone came into the shuttle bay and discovered them, there would be no polite way to explain what they were doing, locked in the shuttle together at night… but at least they would get the chance to put their pants back on before any late night visitors simply walked in on them and got an eyeful.

And by the time he was climbing into the rear of the shuttle, Cortez sliding the door closed, James’ erection had gone from mild interest to full attention. He took a seat on the rear chairs, Cortez sitting down beside him with a hint of a concerned frown.

“You sure about this?” he asked, and James couldn’t agree quick enough.

“Hell yeah. Been feeling your eyes on me all fucking day…”

“Sorry. I guess I’ve been a little distracted.”

And still, Cortez wasn’t taking the lead. Did the guy need an engraved invitation? It was kind of awkward, figuring out where to put his hands. With a woman, James tended to go for the obvious places – breasts being a big favorite of his. So he started with his hand simply on Cortez’s waist, the other tucked around his neck to pull him into a heated kiss.

And thank god, Cortez got with the program. It didn’t take long for him to work his hand up inside James’ shirt, teasing his nipples with knowing fingers. And James found that his own hands had wandered down to stroke Cortez’s thighs, one hand sneaking around to cup his ass… and shit, that was a firm ass… and then he felt his shirt being tugged up and off. And oh hell, he liked the look on Cortez’s face, as his eyes lingered on James’ muscles. Yeah, so he worked out to maintain his efficiency in combat… but if Cortez liked the view _that_ much, he had just found a whole new reason to exercise.

And yeah, that mouth on his nipples was heaven, calloused hands exploring his abs, his shoulders, then Cortez was stripping his own shirt off, and James felt his erection throb. Shit, he wanted out of his pants… But would it be too soon to just-

“Fuck! Ungh!” Cortez had just cupped him through his pants, massaging in a way that would have James coming in no time at all if he kept it up, so he reluctantly tugged the hand away. And then, protocol be damned, he just undid himself and shoved the pants down to his ankles. And he just left them there, not even bothering to take off his boots, grabbed Cortez’s hand again and put it back where it had been moments ago. James went commando, and the unimpeded stroking had him moaning and shaking in his seat.

And then, to his astonishment, Cortez slid onto his knees between James’ parted knees and wrapped his mouth around him in one smooth, hot movement.

James gripped the side of the seat, a moan dragged from him… and then, shit, he was coming, barely enough time to warn Cortez before hot spurts were pulsing out of him… straight down Cortez’s throat, and fuck, wasn’t that the hottest thing he’d seen in years?

James sagged back in the seat, breathless, boneless, feeling his cock soften as Cortez gave him a last few licks to clean him up.

“Sorry,” James apologised, feeling his cheeks heat. “It’s been a long time…”

“No need to apologise,” Cortez said, returning to his seat. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. So did I,” he said, his voice like warm caramel, and James couldn’t help but glance down at his crotch. Cortez was still tenting his pants, and he wondered whether he should return the favor… or try for a more advanced lesson in male-male intimacy…

First things first, he thought, and stood up, tugging his pants back into place. Though he didn’t do them up. If Cortez did want something more adventurous, easy access might be helpful…

But then as he sat down again, he saw that Cortez was way ahead of him, unzipping his pants, pulling himself out and stroking his cock with lazy nonchalance. Did they even have any lube, he wondered, both eager and anxious about having the thing up his ass… and suddenly he could picture that perfectly, himself bent over the seats, Cortez close behind him, imagined he could feel the hot pressure of having a man for the first time…

He reached for Cortez, almost without thinking about it, kissing him even as his hand reached down and began to stroke. It was a little awkward, he thought dimly – it was like stroking himself, but it was all the way _over there_ , like trying to brush your hair in one of those funny back-to-front mirrors where everything was on the opposite side to the way you expected it to be. He felt Cortez thrusting into his hand and tightened his grip slightly, felt him moan into his mouth, his tongue setting up a rhythm in time with James’ stroking… and then, to his surprise, he felt a spurt of wetness in his hand, felt Cortez shudder, those calloused hands gripping his arms tightly as Cortez came in his hand, and god, didn’t he feel like the hottest thing this side of Omega, because he could make this gorgeous, sexy, passionate man come like that.

Cortez made a satisfied noise as he broke away from the kiss, his hand over James’ to wring the last few aftershocks out of the orgasm. And then they were both grinning, not caring about the mess, not caring about the hard seats and squished up space in the back of the shuttle.

“You have a talent for that, Mr. Vega,” Cortez said breathlessly. 

“Next time we’re on shore leave, we’re hiring a hotel room,” James decided. “The back of a shuttle is fine, but there’s something to be said for a decent bed to spread out on.”

 

 

Shepard strode into C-Sec headquarters, Garrus and Ashley close behind. And Bailey looked mildly surprised to see him. 

“You just don’t quit, do you Shepard,” he said dryly. “I’m getting a little tired of bullets flying around my section of the Citadel. I told you mercs were like rats. Doesn’t seem to matter how many I arrest, there’s always more.”

“For the record, I didn’t start the fight,” Shepard said, tired of the battles himself. Though, on his end, the irritation came from his failure to apprehend any real suspects yet. “But we’ve got a bigger problem than mercs,” he went on, skipping the preamble. “The Blue Suns and Eclipse were both hired by someone else to do their dirty work for them.” He looked Bailey in the eye, his expression grim. “There’s a traitor inside C-Sec. The hacked mechs, the hit on the Captain a while back? It was all orchestrated from inside C-Sec, from your own computer terminals, using C-Sec security codes.”

Bailey’s face went pale. “How the hell did you work that out? God… who? Do you have names? Shit, Shepard, if I’m going to take this to the Executor, I’m going to need proof.”

Shepard handed him a data pad, a complete copy of the evidence Eclipse and EDI had compiled, though it had been cleaned up a little to avoid implicating Eclipse in any of this. They’d offered him information that led to real progress in this case, and he wasn’t about to stab them in the back for it.

Bailey skimmed the information, his expression tight and unhappy… until he reached the bottom. Then he seemed to relax slightly, and he sat back with a sigh. “Well, it’s thorough, I’ll give you that. It should be enough to corner these bastards. But what about the mech you confiscated a while back? I’d still like my guys to look at it. Just to show we have some first hand evidence. We might be able to pull specific codes off it, find out exactly which officers we’re dealing with.”

“I though you’d been confiscating mechs from Eclipse. Don’t you have enough evidence, now that you know what you’re looking for?”

“If Eclipse wasn’t behind it, then most of what we’ve collected will be a waste of time.”

Shepard smiled, a humorless expression. “I think we’ll hang onto it for now,” he said, not entirely sure why he was so reluctant to give up the mech. But his hunches had been right in the past, and he was inclined to follow them now.

Bailey shrugged, not impressed with the answer. “Suit yourself.” No doubt the old rivalry between C-Sec and the spectres was raising its head again, but despite being on opposite sides of that argument, Bailey had never let it harm their working relationship.

“I’d like names,” Garrus said, stepping forward. “I’ve worked with a lot of these guys in the past, and I want to know which low life worms are stabbing us all in the back.”

“Spoken like a true turian,” Bailey chuckled. “I’ll be in touch when I have something more to tell you.”

“Come on,” Shepard said to his two crew-mates. “Let’s let the Captain get to work.”

They exited the office silently. It wasn’t exactly a satisfying result, but Bailey was a good man, a dedicated officer. And Shepard was confident that he’d come up with the goods one way or another-

A bullet whizzed past his head, the heat of it grazing his cheek… and then he saw Ashley fall to the ground.

“Ashley!” He was by her side in an instant, a gaping, bloody hole in her neck. Garrus had his gun out and had picked off the sniper in seconds while Shepard applied medigel, tried to slow the bleeding. 

“EDI, we need a medical team at C-Sec headquarters,” Garrus barked out. And then another bullet came flying past, embedding itself in a wall. “And the rest of the squad down here. We’re about to have a hell of a mess on our hands.”


	13. All's well that ends well. Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard punches someone, the case of the rogue mechs is closed... and Kaidan and Shepard _finally_ settle their differences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sigh*… you think you know where your story’s going, then one of your characters just wanders off in a completely different direction. Is it possible to put imaginary people on a leash? Cos James and Cortez should definitely be on one… Ooh, that sounded dirty. Didn’t mean it like that…

Kaidan was almost bouncing with agitation as he waited for the elevator to open. He was on his way to Huerta Memorial Hospital to see Ashley, having spent the last two hours dealing with yet another shoot out with mercs – only this time, they knew that at least some of the soldiers they were fighting were, in fact, C-Sec. 

After the dust had settled, Garrus had removed the helmets on some of the dead fighters, livid when he recognised a few faces. Humans, turians, asari… all of them traitors to the organisation they claimed to serve with honor. And his outrage at them having started a firefight in the middle of a public area, where any innocent civilian could get caught in the crossfire? Needless to say, Garrus would not be pleasant company for the next couple of days.

Bailey had stepped in then, arresting a dozen or so officers and dragging dozens more in for questioning, and Kaidan was looking forward to the report that followed. 

But first things first…

The doors opened and he bolted through the gap, racing across the hospital foyer and through the doors to the patient rooms. Ashley was recovering from the anaesthetic after having a bullet removed from her neck. It had narrowly missed the major blood vessels, but less than half an inch to the right, and she would have been dead…

And they strongly suspected that the bullet had been intended for Shepard in the first place, though Garrus had made some derogatory remarks about a sniper that couldn’t even hit his target. Professional disdain, Kaidan had supposed, regardless of the fact that if the sniper had done his job properly, Shepard would be dead now.

Shepard was sitting by Ashley’s side, holding her hand when Kaidan came into her room, and he immediately went to her other side, taking her hand gently. There was a catheter in her vein, and he was careful not to disturb it as he stroked her fingers lightly. “Hey, Ash.” He glanced at the bandage over her neck and swore. “What the hell did they do to you?”

“The doctor said she should make a full recovery,” Shepard told him, keeping his voice low. 

“Thank god.”

There was a tentative knock at the door, and they turned to see a C-Sec officer standing hesitantly in the doorway. “Sorry to disturb you, sirs, but Captain Bailey requested an official statement from you about the incident at headquarters. I can come back, if now’s not a good time-“

“Now’s fine,” Shepard said, waving him in. Shepard gave the statement quickly, no doubt having this down to a fine art, given the number of times he’d had to file injury reports, but the officer raised an eyebrow when he mentioned Ashley’s name. 

“Williams, Sir? Not a relative of the infamous General?”

“His granddaughter, actually.”

“ _The_ General Williams? The man who surrendered at Shanxi?” His disgust was all too obvious. “What the hell is a woman like that doing on your ship?”

Kaidan turned to Shepard, furious at the slight against a woman who was not only a fine soldier, but who had nearly lost her life only hours before. Surely the Commander wasn’t going to stand by and-

But Shepard looked exceptionally calm. He simply ignored the comment, finished his report, then stood up and went over to the officer. “Just let me read that through to make sure it’s all there,” he said, taking the data pad from the man. He read through the report, then nodded. “Yup. There’s just one thing missing.”

“What’s that, sir?” the officer asked. 

“This,” Shepard said, and punched the man squarely in the face. He dropped like a stone, out cold. “C-Sec’s problems,” Shepard recited, as he added a note to the bottom of the report, “are not limited to traitors, but they are also mired with bigoted idiots who lack any decent education in human history.” He turned to Kaidan. “I think that’ll do, don’t you?”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, sir,” Ashley said from her bed, peering up at them through bleary eyes. 

“Welcome back,” Kaidan said, squeezing her hand and all too relieved when she squeezed back. “You had us worried there.”

 

 

Hours later, Shepard stood in Bailey’s office, grateful to be hearing some good news at last. 

“We’ve traced the codes that were used to hack the mechs,” Bailey told him, “and we found the Commander who appears to have orchestrated the crime ring. There were a few dozen officers and detectives involved, but it seems they had seriously underestimated what would happen if Commander Shepard got involved. A lot of them were killed, either yesterday or this morning, and the ones that are left have been arrested.”

“And the Commander?” Garrus prompted. 

“Also dead. He was the sniper who tried to take out Shepard this morning. Nice shooting, by the way. The plan was for them to each get a share of the profits from the heists the mechs were pulling. Eezo, minerals, tech… whatever they stole was worth a small fortune on the black market. We’ve managed to track down most of the mechs, but there still might be a few out there waiting to cause trouble. The guys who accessed the mainframe knew what they were doing. And now I’ve got a favor to ask,” he said, turning to Shepard. “I know you’ve got a vested interest in this. It nearly took out one of your crew. But I have to ask you to let C-Sec handle this.” At Shepard’s cold glare, Bailey held up his hands in a gesture of peace. “Hey, hear me out. These are officers who betrayed their own for a quick buck. And not everyone caught in the cross fire was from the wrong side of the tracks. We lost some good men in these fights. So let’s just say we have our own vested interest in seeing that they get what’s coming to them. Let us handle it. Please.”

The anger on Bailey’s face wasn’t far different from Shepard’s. But even so, Kaidan had no idea which way the Commander would go. And it was with mixed feelings that he saw him nod, acquiescing to the Captain’s request. 

“Give them hell,” he ordered shortly, and Bailey nodded. 

“I guarantee it.”

 

 

What the hell was he doing here, Kaidan wondered to himself. He was sitting in Apollo’s café, waiting for Shepard to arrive, after having invited him out to lunch. Shore leave, the Commander had declared, a celebration for a successful conclusion to the case of the rogue mechs, and some simple down time, while Ashley recovered. They’d all earned a break for a few days, and Kaidan had taken some time to catch up with old friends, a few ex-colleagues still stationed on the Citadel, spent some time with Ashley, watching vids and listening to messages from her sisters… and of course, he’d spent some time trying to work out his own feelings. Shepard was never going to be a calm, relaxed, easy-going man… but that didn’t mean he was a cheating bastard, either. And even though curiosity had killed many a daring and reckless cat… he couldn’t help but wonder if what Liara had said was true. Was Shepard really that interested in him? Okay, so he still flirted with Kaidan, but last night at Purgatory, during the brief half an hour that Kaidan had dared the bright lights and pounding music, he had been almost gentlemanly, not drinking too much, not ogling the dancers or the waitresses. 

But did that really mean that Kaidan had any business talking to the man about a _relationship_? There were so many ways this could go horribly wrong…

“Sorry I’m late,” Shepard said, sliding into the seat beside him. “Garrus wanted to try a little… experiment.”

“Do I even want to know?” Kaidan asked, bracing himself for another completely reckless stunt. Garrus was just as bad as Shepard, he had finally realised, and the two of them together were likely to get into all manner of mischief.

“Just went to break a few regs that have been annoying him for a while. And test out a new sniper rifle. I let him win,” Shepard said with a smirk. “But don’t tell him that. He’s still convinced he can out-shoot me in a fair fight.”

“Yeah, but what about when you’re playing dirty?” Kaidan couldn’t help asking.

“Then all bets are off,” Shepard said, grinning. “How’s Ashley?”

“Better. Well enough that she’s now completely bored, and is likely to break herself out of the hospital in the next day or so if they don’t discharge her. She’s pissed that she’s missing out on shore leave while everyone else is living it up.”

“I’ll make sure she gets some time off,” Shepard promised. He picked up the menu and ordered for himself, after checking that Kaidan had already done so, and then turned his full attention to him. “I know you wanted to talk to me about something, but I need to show you this first. And it’s likely to piss you off, so I’d ask that you read the entire report before you rip my head off,” he said, a hint of hesitation in his voice. He pulled out a data pad and selected an entry, handing it to Kaidan. 

And Kaidan got as far as the first line before he lost his temper. “Captain Henry Quinn. Formerly Lieutenant Commander Henry Quinn. You fucking bastard. I told you to stay out of this-“

“And I told you to read the whole report,” Shepard snapped back. 

“I didn’t want you going anywhere near this man-“

“Read. The. Report.”

Kaidan glowered at him, hands gripping the data pad tightly. The bastard had gone behind his back, found his old CO and had the man arrested. And it was what Kaidan had always feared. Even worse than the humiliation of admitting to the Alliance that he had been raped was the idea that the man would gain some sick satisfaction from the fact that the incident still haunted Kaidan, regardless of how many years he ended up serving in jail. 

Furious at having been betrayed, he forced himself to look down and read the scrolling words. Had to read the first paragraph twice, as his vision blurred…

Major Henry Quinn had been relieved of duty after an anonymous report was sent to Alliance HQ, detailing no less than fifteen serious breaches of protocol and nine illegal activities being carried out on the SSV Newcastle. A list of his crimes followed, along with a brief statement of the evidence presented to support the accusations. A court case was pending, but seven of his crew had already come forward to make statements supporting the charges…

Kaidan skimmed through the list of charges again, dreading to find his name there…

And then he skimmed the report a third time. 

What?

The earliest charge dated back to 2176. A full three years after he had left Quinn’s unit.

Kaidan was stunned. Shepard had actually done it. He’d had his former CO, the man who had devastated large parts of his life, brought to justice on a few dozen different charges… none of which had anything to do with Kaidan, or the attack he’d orchestrated on him. It seemed the man had been trouble for years, stealing supplies, causing several diplomatic incidents with aliens, allowing his ship to participate in a drug ring… all carefully hushed up and swept under the rug, of course, his crew silenced through threats or bribes… one of his service chiefs had even mysteriously ‘disappeared’ on a mission to Chasca, and a murder charge was now pending.

He realised his hands were shaking, and he put the data pad down.

“I didn’t intend to do anything,” Shepard said, when the silence stretched on. “I just wanted to know his name. I never intended to interfere. But then I found out what he was doing. What he’s still doing, all these years later. And I couldn’t just sit by and do nothing. I serve the Alliance with pride. I serve humanity with pride. And this man is a blight on everything I stand for.”

Kaidan nodded, feeling tears prick at his eyes and blinking them away rapidly. He folded his arms. Fidgeted. Drained his drink and ordered another one. “I talked to Garrus a few days ago,” he said finally, still staring at the table. “I asked him about Sidonis. He said at the end of it all that he’d follow you into hell, itself, if you asked him to. And some of the crew already have, from the stories they tell. Every time I think I’ve figured out why they believe in you so damn much, you go and do something else that blows the rest out of the water.” He looked up at Shepard, embarrassed by the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. “Thank you,” he said simply.

Shepard said nothing, and then the waiter brought both their meals and Kaidan’s extra drink. And the pair of them ate in silence for a while, each lost in his own thoughts.

“I had been under the impression that you asked me out here because you wanted to talk about something,” Shepard said finally. “I know I kind of stole your thunder with that one, but… was there something you wanted to say?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan managed to reply, struggling to remember the words he’d been rehearsing for hours before he’d come here. He’d had a little speech all planned out, something respectful and to the point and covering all the important things he wanted to say… and now he couldn’t remember a single word of it.

“Liara said something the other day that got me thinking,” he started, hoping that this came out at least partially coherent. “She said you were still interested in a relationship with me.” Shepard’s eyebrows shot up, clearly not what he had been expecting to hear. “And I know you flirt with me a lot, but… Well, I’m not saying I wouldn’t be interested, but I don’t do casual relationships. And if you want to quibble about the asari in Afterlife, then fine, but I’ve never done anything like that before, and I didn’t much like it at the time… and I think you know enough of my history by now to know that…” His voice cracked, and he took a deep breath to try and steady himself. “Well, you know that I’ve got some history. So I guess I just wanted to… check the water depth and see where you stand on all that.” Shit, that was the worse ramble he’d had in a long while, and he couldn’t even remember half of what he’d said, all of thirty second ago… and so he looked up at Shepard, half hopeful, half apprehensive…

“You and me? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’m kind of complicated.”

Shepard stared at the table, a pensive expression on his face. Then he straightened. “So is what you’re saying that you’d like to try out a relationship with me, on condition that I realise it’s a serious and exclusive one, and with the understanding that you might end up deciding that it’s not what you wanted after all?”

Kaidan ran that through his mind a few times. “Yes. And yes, I realise that that sounds horribly one sided.”

Shepard nodded slowly. And then a slow, sly smile slid across his face. “I think I could live with that,” he said at last.

“Really?” Kaidan heard the utter lack of enthusiasm in his own voice, and winced. For all his willingness to test the waters, he had never expected Shepard to actually agree to such restrictive conditions. What he’d expected was some light hearted flirting, followed by a gentle refusal on the grounds that Shepard was not actually what Kaidan was looking for. 

“Really,” Shepard said, reaching across the table to take Kaidan’s hand. “God, Kaidan, you have no idea how much I admire you, do you?”

“Me? You admire me?”

“Most people would have quit the Alliance after what you went through. Hell, most people would have ended up curled up on a couch taking red sand all day. Okay, so you’ve got some baggage. You think I don’t still have nightmares about the Skyllian Blitz? I lost a man, Jenkins, on the Normandy’s first mission, an investigation on Eden Prime. I still hear his voice as I fall asleep at night. I nearly had to shoot Wrex – the krogan you met a while ago – back on Virmire. The same mission where I nearly lost Ashley. None of us got to be where we are by taking the easy route. But you got up and kept walking. And somehow you managed to do that without becoming jaded and vengeful about it all. So yes, I admire you. And god, if you want to try things out between us, then I’m willing to go as slowly as you like, if that means there’s a chance it’ll end up somewhere good. For both of us.”

Kaidan felt his cheeks heat, though he wasn’t sure whether it was due to Shepard’s words, or the way his thumb kept stroking the back of his hand.

“Okay,” he choked out, feeling excited and overwhelmed and scared and aroused as hell. “Good.”

And Shepard’s smile was reward enough all by itself for the awkward, fumbling effort it had taken him to get here. He squeezed Shepard’s hand, then hesitated as he saw the mischievous glint in Shepard’s eye. 

“I’m still going to be an outrageous flirt,” Shepard said, his tone promising naughty delights in the very near future.

And, knowing that he was going to need a fair bit of prompting to see this through, Kaidan replied, “I’m counting on it.” 

 

 

James gripped the sheets on the hotel’s wide, king-sized bed, panting around the cock he was sucking and struggling to keep up some semblance of a rhythm with his mouth while he tried not to come too soon. Cortez was kneeling over him, cock dangling in front of his face while he sucked James’ balls into his mouth…

“I want you to fuck me,” James blurted out suddenly, ending on a moan as Cortez stroked his tongue back and forth…

And then the mouth around his genitals pulled away. “Really?”

But instead of excited, Cortez sounded almost… confused. The leg beside James’ head swung away, and then Cortez was looking down at him, a quizzical expression on his face. “Have you ever…?”

“No, I’ve never done it before,” James said in frustration. “We’ve had this conversation, remember? This is the part where I get to explore my sexuality, and you cut me some slack because you’re still convinced I’m really straight.”

Cortez looked vaguely offended by the comment, and it was hard to tell whether that was because James was right, or because he wasn’t.

“Come on, Esteban. Ever since I said I was into you, you’ve been treading on eggshells. I have to talk you into everything physical that we’ve done together. You don’t flirt with me any more. If you don’t want to be here, then fucking say so, but don’t keep treating me like I’m going to break.”

Cortez sat back on the bed and James noticed that his erection was fading fast, despite having been at full attention only moments ago. And he felt like a total ass for what he’d just said… 

“I don’t think you’re straight,” Cortez said, with just a touch of indignation in his voice. 

“Then what is it?”

Cortez sighed. “It’s… don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re the first… this is the first real intimacy I’ve had since Robert died. And don’t bother bringing up Shepard. We had sex. There was no real emotional connection to it.”

James sat up and shifted around, making an effort to concentrate, despite his erection still throbbing in time with his heart beat. “You and the Commander… you didn’t… I mean, you still respect each other, right? You didn’t have a fight when you split?”

“No, no, the ‘breakup’ if you could call it that, was fine. And I respect him. I admire him, I’d following him into any battle. But I don’t love him. Not the way I did with Robert.”

Love? James felt his eyes widen, and tried to force the stunned expression away. “So what’s the problem now?” James asked, feeling more than a little confused. Cortez was pulling away from a sexual relationship because he cared about James? Was that it?

“Losing a crew member is always hard. But losing… a lover. God, that hurt the first time around. Like losing a limb. I’m just… I want this with you, James. But a part of me is still terrified of going through that loss again. And with the number of risks the Normandy takes in the average week… You’ve got to admit, the odds are against us.”

“You’re worried about me dying?” Wow. That was unlike anything he’d expected. 

Cortez nodded.

“Shit, I never… I hadn’t realised…”

“Look, I still want to be here. I still want to do this,” Cortez said, with just a hint of a purr in his voice. “But that doesn’t mean it’s all easy and straight forward for me.”

“Yeah, I get that,” James agreed. “And sorry for what I said before. I was just being an ass.”

“No hard feelings,” Cortez forgave him easily. And James noticed that his erection was getting back into the game. “Now… you said something about doing a little… exploring?”

James nodded slowly. “Yeah… totally.”

They spent a few more minutes getting reacquainted with each other, hot skin against hot skin, their groins grinding together, Cortez’s hands everywhere, while James just tried to keep up… and then, almost before he knew it, he was kneeling on the bed, a cold, wet finger pressing into his ass while Cortez murmured at him to relax. And he tried to, but his cock was throbbing, and he couldn’t help sneaking his hand down to stroke himself, and the added stimulation was doing the opposite of relaxing him… and then he felt Cortez add a second finger…

“Okay?” the pilot asked, and James nodded, wanting to come, wanting Cortez to fuck him already, wanting more… His fist gripped the sheets, and Cortez must have noticed, because he went still all of a sudden. 

“Is this hurting?”

“Only in the sense that I’m going to have a serious case of blue balls if you take much longer,” James grumbled, and Cortez chuckled behind him. He shifted position and James heard the crinkle of the condom packet, the faint snap of latex… and then felt Cortez’s erection slap against his bum, and his cock twitched eagerly.

“Just relax,” Cortez said softly. “And tell me if this hurts.”

James nodded, stroking his cock slowly, wanting to prolong the pleasure almost as much as he wanted to come… He felt Cortez position himself at his entrance, and then the pressure of him pushing inside… and oh fuck, wasn’t that just the best thing in the world… It was a long, slow, gradual slide in, and then, almost before he was ready, Cortez was pulling out and pressing in again, setting up an easy rhythm that had James rocking back to meet him, stroking his cock in time with the thrusts.

“Fuck, you’re tight,” Cortez told him breathlessly, and James felt a thrill of satisfaction that Cortez was enjoying this. 

“Faster,” he urged him on, feeling his own orgasm gather in his groin… and he forced his hand away from himself, not quite ready for it to end. And now that he wasn’t holding it, his cock swung back and forth beneath him, and something about that was just sexy as hell.

And then he felt Cortez pick up the rhythm again, felt his fingers digging into his hips… then his calloused grip slid round to stroke James’ cock for him, and he came almost instantly, hearing Cortez grunt out his own satisfaction moments later. And then they were both panting for breath, Cortez half-sprawled over his back, while James collapsed down onto his elbows, aware that the position made his ass stick up in the air, and liking the mental image that gave him.

Cortez pulled out gently, then tugged James around to face him, sliding up close to kiss him. 

“Okay?” he asked, a crooked smile on his lips, and James bashfully returned the grin. 

“Even better than I thought it would be.”


	14. Pushing the boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard helps Kaidan get over his fears. In a very practical way.

Five days had passed since Kaidan had issued his rambling, awkward invitation to Shepard about their relationship. The crew had found out almost immediately, a volley of teasing being launched Shepard’s way about turning into a fuddy-duddy old man - it seemed the entire crew had had Kaidan pegged as the serious, settling down type, right from the start. 

Which wasn’t to say he hadn’t suffered from his own dose of teasing. Ashley had been predictably delighted, launching into more and more elaborate plans for the couple’s future as she got more and more drunk on poker night. Liara had privately thanked him for taking her advice seriously, and had expressed her hope that Shepard found whatever he had been looking for in the relationship. And Garrus had pulled him aside, fixed him with a steely glare… and told him not to put up with any of Shepard’s shit. Tell it like it is, he’d said, and the reckless Commander was almost certain to fall into line. _Almost_ , he emphasised, because ultimately, he would do what he believed was best for the galaxy, and best for his crew, and no force in the galaxy would ever stand in the way of that.

And all in all, over those five days, Kaidan had been ridiculously happy. Shepard had been true to his word, taking things slow, giving Kaidan the space to be sure about what he wanted, but also more than willing to move things along, if Kaidan decided he was ready. It had been blissful, Kaidan able to relax and enjoy the kind of relationship he’d spent years believing could only ever be a dream, daring to dip his toes into the physical side of his sexuality, and confident that Shepard would stop on a dime, if need be. Because for all his trust in the man, and for all his desire to progress things into the bedroom, Kaidan was realistic enough to realise that ghosts like his weren’t vanquished overnight.

He’d frozen, the first time Shepard had kissed him. It had been in his cabin, Kaidan finally seeing the inside of his quarters, and wow, who the hell stuck a fish tank like that in a war ship? The models had been another surprise, quaint and delicate in a way he had never associated with Shepard. And then he’d tugged the man closer, on a whim, rather than due to any planned out exercise, and pressed his lips to Shepard’s, hoping he took the hint and kissed him back, because after all, it had been a long time for him, and he was rather out of practice. And Shepard had, tenderly sliding a hand around to cup the back of his neck… and Kaidan had just frozen.

Shepard had noticed almost immediately, releasing his hold and stepping back, and then Kaidan had scrambled away, an uncoordinated dash that was entirely involuntary, and Shepard had poured them both a shot of whiskey and simply left Kaidan’s on the desk while he retreated across the cabin, giving him plenty of space.

“Sorry,” Kaidan had apologised a few minutes later, after draining his glass and getting a handle on himself. 

And Shepard had dismissed it with an easy “it’s okay.” Idle conversation about the decadence of the cabin had followed, and ten minutes later, Kaidan wanted to try it again. 

He’d thought about it this time, planned it in his head, imagined what it would feel like and look like, and then he’d slid closer to Shepard on the couch and asked him if he could kiss him, and Shepard had said yes, of course he could. And he’d held still, letting Kaidan make the move, tilting his head cooperatively but keeping his hands to himself, this time. And it had gone much better, leaving Kaidan wanting more, but too nervous to ask for it just then.

They’d progressed in slow, halting steps, gentle touches, a two-steps-forward-one-step-back dance that somehow always left Kaidan wanting more.

Perhaps that was Shepard’s plan, all along. 

And so now, he found himself here again, in Shepard’s cabin, sitting beside him on the couch, wanting more, and determined that he was going to get it, this time. 

“Are you sure we’re not moving to fast with this?” Shepard asked, watching Kaidan carefully. It had only been five days, after all, since _this_ had even been an option. But weeks of getting to know his CO, slow weeks of learning to trust him, of learning that that trust was held in absolute and sacred safekeeping, meant that _this_ seemed to have been a long time in the making.

“This is fine,” Kaidan assured him. And then he told him what he wanted this evening. Both of them naked, free to indulge in the climax that they had both denied themselves all week. No actual penetration… and then, in the middle of that statement, Kaidan chocked on his words, suddenly reminded of something that had slipped his mind before, had been dismissed because for so long, he had never, ever thought it would come around again. “Um… I can’t… It’s not possible for you to…” He trailed off, face bright red, sure that he was about to disappoint his would-be lover in a horrendous way. 

“What’s not possible?” Shepard prompted him gently, stroking his thumb over Kaidan’s hand again, in that way that made Kaidan think about other things being stroked…

“You can’t… um… I can’t have you inside me. Ever. Last time there was too much damage, and the doctor said I shouldn’t… ever do that again.” Just one more thing Quinn had taken from him. “Sorry.” 

“Fuck! Don’t ever apologise for that!” Shepard demanded angrily, then he apologised himself, as Kaidan flinched at his angry tone. “It’s fine,” he said, trying to sound reassuring, though the anger still lingered. 

“You’re not disappointed?”

“There’s more than one way to have fun,” Shepard said, with a glint in his eye, and though Kaidan wanted to believe him, he still felt a lingering inadequacy. But then Shepard was stroking his shoulders, kissing his hand, edging closer to press their lips together, and Kaidan forgot the shame and regret and just let himself enjoy these moments.

“I don’t want to rush you,” Shepard repeated. But a stray, sideways glance brought Kaidan’s attention to the bed. The wide, firm bed, big enough for two… But he was a little surprised at himself when he realised that the bed didn’t pose any kind of threat to his subconscious. Last time, it had been a dark alley, the hard ground. Here, with welcoming lights and a comfortable mattress, the atmosphere exuded care and peacefulness, and he welcomed the sensations, letting himself lean further into Shepard’s touch. 

“I want this,” he affirmed, sliding his arms around Shepard’s shoulders. 

“Then let’s take it slowly,” Shepard said, and Kaidan felt a flare of disappointed, worried that tonight was going to end like every other night this week – both of them keeping their pants firmly on and Kaidan being sent back to the crew quarters after some light petting and passionate kisses that inflamed his libido but did nothing to satisfy it. 

But hell, he thought, as he leaned into Shepard’s kiss and ran his hands down his toned chest, over rippling abs, if Bailey could convince Shepard to back off a C-Sec investigation, then surely Kaidan could convince him to take his pants off. 

The kiss went on, while hands roamed ever more daringly, and on impulse, Kaidan decided to simply throw a leg over Shepard’s hips and straddle his lap. And Shepard made a noise of startled surprise, but didn’t try to shift him off his lap. And this was much better, Kaidan thought, feeling those strong hands roaming down his back. Shepard’s stubble grazed his cheek, his tongue dancing with Kaidan’s, and then his hands tugged the bottom of his shirt up… and yes, this was what Kaidan wanted… slid beneath to stroke heated skin, then wandered down to his waistband-

Kaidan moved almost before he was aware of it, suddenly lost in the terrifying feel of rough hands yanking his pants down, cold air against his bare skin, and he scrambled away, off Shepard, away along the couch until he landed in a heap on the floor, hand up to defend himself… and god, Shepard was looking horrified, face pale, eyes wide. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, and Kaidan couldn’t for the life of him figure out what Shepard was apologising for.

He blinked, feeling the room settle about him again, and then took a moment more to steady himself before he picked himself up off the floor.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard repeated.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Kaidan said, but Shepard wouldn’t have it. 

“If I’m going too fast-“

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Kaidan snapped, annoyed at himself, and pissed off at Quinn, and glad all over again that Shepard had had the bastard arrested. “Shit, sorry… but if you won’t let me apologise for things that happened years ago, then you shouldn’t have to apologise for things that aren’t your fault. I want this. I want you. But my head is a mess, and working through that is going to take some time. And I need you to trust me to know my own limits and to not do anything that I don’t want to do.”

Wow, that was quite the speech. And from Shepard’s raised eyebrows, he’d thought so too. “Okay.” 

Kaidan sat back down next to Shepard. “God, this is frustrating.”

“You’re having flashbacks,” Shepard said pragmatically. “It’s to be expected.”

“And I hate it,” he complained. “It’s like having another person living inside your head who just takes over now and then, and then you wake up and your body isn’t where you left it and it’s doing something that makes no sense.”

And god love him, Shepard laughed. “I get that,” he said, reaching out to tug Kaidan closer. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Fine,” Kaidan grumbled. “Just when things get interesting, that has to go and happen. And don’t you dare ask me if I really want to be doing this.”

“Then maybe we should just move things along a little,” Shepard suggested, and before Kaidan could ask what he meant, he had stripped his shirt off, revealing toned muscles and a light dusting of hair, all the way down past his navel.

“I’m going to put my hands on your ass now,” he warned Kaidan, and then he did so, starting at his waist, then sliding lower, and now that he had been warned, Kaidan managed to stay in the moment… and god, those hands were _warm_. Two patches of heat, right over his buttocks, Shepard’s leg nudging his, and then he thought that hell, this was an awkward angle, so he did what he had done before and straddled his lap. 

“Okay?” Shepard checked in, and Kaidan nodded. 

“Totally okay…” And then he paused a moment to brace himself… and stripped his own shirt off. He saw Shepard clench his hand into a fist, and anticipated where this was going next. 

“Touch me.” 

And so Shepard did, slow, halting movements that brought his hand up to Kaidan’s throat, a feather light touch that lingered over his collar bone, then drifted down to his nipple, drawing a gasp as talented fingers pinched and teased. One hand headed downward, over his abs, while the other headed north and west, exploring the solid bicep that was currently braced against the wall behind Shepard’s head.

“How about we take this over to the bed,” Shepard suggested, and was it Kaidan’s imagination, or did he sound a little out of breath?

“Yeah…” He stood up, reaching for Shepard’s hand to pull him to his feet, then they were shuffling towards their stated destination, mouths meeting again, and fuck, had it really been so long since Kaidan had felt another warm, naked chest against his own? He hadn’t realised how much it was possible to miss that feeling…

He wrapped his arms around Shepard’s shoulders, pulling their bodies flush against each other, reveling in the feel of strong arms around his waist. And then his legs hit the edge of the mattress and he fell backwards, overbalanced, Shepard tumbling down to land crouched over him, a knee and a palm catching his fall… And Kaidan stared up at the hard, male body above his own… and felt like he had come home, after a long, long trip away.

Both of them froze for a moment, Kaidan wishing this would never end, Shepard tense, as if wondering if this was too much, too threatening… and then Kaidan shuffled backwards up the bed, tugging Shepard to move with him. 

“Just a second,” Shepard said, and pulled away. But he wasn’t going far, simply removing Kaidan’s boots and then his own, tossing them carelessly to the floor. And then he came back, settling down on the bed beside him. 

“You want to keep going?” he asked, and Kaidan imagined that he could hear just a hint of longing in that deep, rumbling voice.

“Yeah.”

He felt a hand on his abdomen… “I’m going to touch you now,” Shepard said, and Kaidan thought that yes, maybe that was the key. If he simply had adequate warning about what was about to happen, he was able to brace himself for it, able to compensate for the instinctive panic… and then Shepard’s hand moved down, past his waistband, to cup his erection… and god, he was hard. He hadn’t realised how hard he was or how much he wanted this until Shepard had touched him, and Kaidan arched his back, pressing his groin against Shepard’s hand. 

“Yes… harder…” The rubbing increased, a slow, sensual massage, and then it was accompanied by a warm mouth against his neck, a husky moan…

“Fuck, you’re sexy…” Was he? He had never thought of himself that way, but if Shepard said it, then it must be true.

“I want to touch you,” he said, reaching out for that delicious golden skin again… and he remembered to prepare himself, imagined what it would feel like, pictured it in his head… then he rolled Shepard onto his back and reached for his belt. Undid the buckle. Took a breath. Undid the button on his pants. Glanced up, and saw such anticipation and desire on that harsh, disciplined face that he couldn’t help but grin. And was rewarded with an answering grin in return. And then he lowered the zip. Shepard was wearing black underwear, something of a surprise, as Kaidan had assumed he’d go commando… but that was fine. Just a minor barrier to his final destination. He tugged the pants down a little and offered a tentative stroke through the black cotton, and heard Shepard moan softly.

And then Shepard’s omni-tool beeped, a chiming, rhythmic sound that was nothing at all like the normal alert sound.

Shepard lurched up into a half-sitting position, instantly apologetic and confused and lost for words. “Fuck… shit, sorry, Kaidan… I have to take this. I know that sounds awful… fuck!”

He answered the call, and Kaidan sat back, feeling a little miffed. Whatever this was had better be bloody important…

“Shepard,” Mordin Solus said, his image appearing on the little holographic monitor. “Phase one is complete.”

And from Shepard’s expression of utter delight and shock and speechlessness, Kaidan realised that yes, this was important. He didn’t know what phase one was, but he recognised the salarian… and the implication was that he’d found a cure for the genophage.

Holy shit… the council was going to have their heads for this…

“And the distribution issue?” Shepard asked.

“I thought we might revisit a lesson in history,” Mordin said. “On a world where hope blows away in the air.”

They were speaking in code, Kaidan realised, and why wouldn’t they be, when they were dealing with such a controversial issue, one that billions of people across the galaxy would kill – literally – to have silenced forever. But while Kaidan had no idea what they were talking about, Shepard understood the scientist perfectly. “I’ll meet you there,” he said, and cut the connection. “EDI?”

“Yes, Commander?”

“Call all personnel back to the ship. Immediately. And then plot a course for the Krogan DMZ.”

“Yes, Commander.”

And on the back of that announcement, Kaidan had another thought. “Does EDI monitor _everything_ that goes on in this ship?”

“Yes,” Shepard said. “But mostly it’s only for security purposes. If you’re asking if she knows we’re having sex, then yes, she does. But I asked her to write certain protocols into her programming that prevent her from discussing private matters with other crew members unless it’s a dire emergency. It’s not a foolproof system,” he admitted, and from what Joker had said, Kaidan could imagine there’d been more than one glitch. “But we’re a tight-knit team as it is. There are a lot of things that each of us sees and hears that we simply choose to pretend don’t exist.” 

“The illusion of privacy where none exists,” Kaidan concluded, and Shepard nodded. 

“Now, where were we?” Shepard prompted… and Kaidan looked down to see that, despite the interruption, his erection hadn’t lost any of its enthusiasm.

“Would you take your pants off?” he asked shyly, and Shepard raised his eyebrows. 

“You sure?”

Was he sure? No, of course not. But he was also tired of waiting. “Yeah.”

Kaidan backed away to the edge of the bed and waited, sitting on his knees. And Shepard sat up slowly, working the fabric down over his hips, taking his underwear along with it, his eyes never leaving Kaidan’s. And then that proud erection was revealed, and Kaidan felt no fear of it at all, just a curious desire to touch it, to learn what it felt like, to learn how Shepard responded and where he liked to be touched and what he sounded like when he came…

“Would you take yours off?” Shepard asked… and Kaidan hesitated.

Neither of them moved for a long moment, Shepard simply allowing Kaidan time to honestly answer the question…

“Not yet,” he said finally, telling himself that this was not anything to be ashamed of. He wasn’t backing out, he was just… progressing at a slower rate. And that was fine.

“Would you like to touch me?” Shepard offered instead, leaning back, offering Kaidan easy access… and he would like to, he realised. He crept forward on his knees and simply looked… looked down long, muscular legs. Looked up, past his navel to tight abs and firm pecs. Looked down again, to that eager cock… then he reached out, imagining what it would feel like in his hand, and touched… stroked… felt a wetness at the tip, felt the tremble in Shepard’s body, heard the hitch in his breath. And he shuffled closer, closing the distance between them, stroking with a more confident touch. And yes, that husky moan was what he had been waiting for. He reached out and touched Shepard’s nipple, leaned in and licked it, inhaling his masculine scent, reminding himself to feel the soft mattress beneath his knees, the assurance that this was a safe, well lit cabin, not a dark alley… and then he realised that Shepard’s breathing was becoming erratic, his hands fisting the sheets…

“Come for me,” he whispered, and Shepard did, all over his own thighs and Kaidan’s hand, with a groan that made Kaidan’s own cock throb.

“Fuck…” Shepard collapsed back on the bed, looking sated and satisfied and decadent. And _Kaidan_ had caused him to look like that.

He caught his breath, then opened his eyes, peering up at Kaidan with mischief. “Well… that was… interesting,” he said with a smirk. Then he glanced down to where Kaidan was still pressing a bulge into the front of his own pants. And then back up to his face, a wicked glint in his eyes. “You want to take your pants off yet?”

Kaidan made a couple of abortive movement towards his own belt. “Yes,” he whispered, dismayed as how unsure of himself he sounded. “Yes, I do,” he tried again, cutting off the inevitable assurance that he didn’t have to, that they could wait until another time if he wasn’t ready…

But he didn’t move, letting the images play through his head. Of himself, fully naked. Of Shepard, stroking him, that sharp gaze focused on his body. Of how different all this was from the last time he had been naked and exposed in front of another human being.

And then he undid his belt, his pants, and slid them down his legs, taking his underwear along with them, tossing them to the floor carelessly… only to find his legs curled up as if to protect himself. He stared at Shepard for a silent moment, reminding himself that there was no rush. 

“Could you just do to me what I did to you?” he asked, realising that he wasn’t ready to deal with anything else tonight. It had been a night for breaking new ground, and he would rather leave it on a high note that push too hard and end up going backwards.

“Absolutely,” Shepard agreed. But still, neither of them moved.

God, he was naked. 

He sat still, feeling his breath enter and leave his body… and who knows, he might have sat there all night, but for his body’s uninvited reaction to the view in front of him. His cock suddenly twitched, reminding him of why he was naked in the first place… and shit, Shepard looked good like that, propped on one elbow, lounging like a big cat, all golden skin and smooth muscle…

Kaidan uncurled his legs, feeling like an awkward colt in the presence of a magnificent race horse. And Shepard glanced down at his groin, the slightest twitch to his hand indicating that he wanted to touch, but was going to wait to be invited.

And somehow, that twitch filled Kaidan with confidence, with desire. He edged closer and reached for Shepard’s hand, bringing it over his cock, pressing it down… and then Shepard was stroking him, and god, how had he gone for thirteen years without feeling _this_? The asari’s actions paled in comparison, even despite her extensive experience, and Kaidan felt his breath coming in shuddering bursts… and then he’d hold his breath, concentrating on the feel of Shepard’s hand over him, then gasp in air, his hands gripping the sheets… He’d closed his eyes, he realised, and he opened them again to watch, to see the look of captivated attention that Shepard was wearing, to watch that firm hand stroking up and down, those long, lean fingers…

He must have been nervous still, because it seemed to take forever, Kaidan letting his head fall back and rocking his hips in time with Shepard’s hand, and at one point, he wondered if he was going to come at all. 

“Just relax,” Shepard murmured, and then Kaidan knew what was missing. This felt like a service performed, a duty, like the asari had been paid to do, and he suddenly rolled onto his side, sliding down the bed a little, shifting closer to Shepard. 

Shepard was surprised by the move, but Kaidan pressed his hand back onto his cock, when he would have pulled away, and then he cupped his neck to pull him closer, kissing him, and fuck, yes, this was better. This was personal and intimate and snug, the hand still moving rhythmically over him, and he accidentally dig his nails into Shepard’s arm as he came, his breath and Shepard’s mingling as he groaned, his body tight and electric and sated, for the first time in so long.

Some time later, he felt a cloth cleaning him up, and he looked up at Shepard, seeing a pleased, satisfied smirk on his lips. God, he was handsome when he smiled. 

“Okay?” Shepard asked, and it took Kaidan a moment to answer. Okay? Oh, this was so much better that okay.

“Yeah,” he said, not sure what the right words were, and Shepard smiled again. And then that sharp gaze narrowed ever so slightly. “Do you… Do you want to stay the night?” he asked, as if he wasn’t sure whether Kaidan would object to the idea.

Spend the night? In bed? Sleeping beside a man – a naked man – who could do absolutely anything to him while he slept?

“Um… could we… I’d like to stay,” Kaidan said, fear warring with desire – not sexual desire this time, but just the desire to be close to another human being. This one in particular. “If we could put our underwear back on, that would be great. And then, yes, I’d like to stay.” It was more a psychological barrier than any real physical protection – Kaidan knew that if he woke up entirely naked he would panic. And besides, he already knew that Shepard wouldn’t do anything untoward. It was just a case of managing to remember that in the fuzzy moments between sleep and wakefulness.

“Sure,” Shepard agreed, fetching his briefs from the floor while Kaidan rummaged around for his own pair. And then they were snuggled beneath the blankets, the lights fading out at Shepard’s command. The light of the fish tank gave the room a faint blue glow, which made Kaidan feel secure. And there was a moment’s awkward shuffling as they figured out how to arrange themselves. In the end, Kaidan rested his head against Shepard’s shoulder, his arm draped across his torso. And he felt Shepard stroke his hair gently. And fuck, that felt good…

“Thank you,” Kaidan said, feeling that the words were utterly inadequate, but needing to express them anyway. 

Shepard pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “You are the most remarkable man I’ve ever met,” he said softly. And Kaidan’s heart sang. If Shepard had said the words, then he meant them. Absolutely.


	15. Pyjacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's one last plot twist before we can finally wrap this up. Read on to discover what it is…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah! I had to re-write half this chapter. Couldn’t get the tone right. Couldn’t get the sequence of events right. What is it about the last chapter in a fic that just makes it all fall to bits?

One week later, Kaidan realised that he’d learnt more about krogan in the past week than in the rest of his life put together. Wrex was certainly an unusual one, preferring cooperation and negotiation to blind violence – but he was also more than tough enough, willing to butt heads when it was necessary – or just shoot people, if they still insisted on causing trouble - and Kaidan could see why the krogan were willing to unite under his leadership. There were the inevitable detractors, of course, but he’d made progress where at one time, no one had believed it was possible for the krogan to be anything more than thugs and hired muscle.

And Bakara was… also not what he’d expected. She’d proven herself to be a stabilising influence in Wrex’s life – much like Kaidan in Shepard’s, someone had said, not quite jokingly – but she’d also proven she was more than capable of looking after herself. Namely, by smacking Wrex in the face with a shotgun when he’d done something that had particularly annoyed her.

Shepard had been in his element, head butting a krogan who was arguing with Wrex, joining a hunting expedition with a pack of the locals and having a competition with Garrus to see who could shoot more pyjaks… shooting with their left hands, of course, given that they were both right handed… Garrus had won, but only because he’d played dirty, promising Kaidan two bottles of a rather expensive whiskey if he ‘distracted’ Shepard during the match.

So now, after a week’s hospitality on Tuchanka, complete with varren fighting, nightly stories about Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws, and more than one extremely strange conversation between the krogan and Mordin Solus – for all his efforts to assist them, he was still a salarian, and therefore not to be trusted – they were transporting the two krogan leaders back to the Citadel. The council had already gotten wind of the cure for the genophage, and they’d demanded that Shepard return immediately to explain himself. 

On Shepard’s advice, Mordin had decided to make himself scarce for a little while, and had departed Tuchanka on a trading ship, muttering something about running tests on seashells. Wrex and Bakara were coming to support Shepard, who, Kaidan now understood, had only agreed to assist with the cure once he’d seen Wrex’s ability to unite and lead the unruly species. They deserved a future, just like any other species, he insisted, but they first had to prove that they’d learned from their past mistakes. And so Wrex was preparing to give evidence to that effect, detailing plans for rebuilding Tuchanka, of non-violent projects the krogan were planning which would benefit the galactic community, and Bakara was coming to show the council a united front – the krogan females were just as tired of the males’ antics and were now willing to butt heads until order and peace was achieved.

All in all, it sounded like the krogan had a bright future ahead of them.

And Kaidan’s relationship with Shepard had progressed. They’d repeated their experimental bouts of intimacy several times, until Kaidan had finally felt ready to try intercourse. He would have to be top, of course, but Shepard was not at all opposed to that. And Kaidan had been doing some reading, still feeling a lingering deficiency in himself about denying Shepard the opportunity to be top. ‘Intercrural’ sex sounded like it had definite potential, but he had yet to suggest it to Shepard. Having another male on top of him, even it that didn’t involve penetration, was still an intimidating idea, but he was willing to be patient. One thing at a time, he reminded himself.

And so now, he was lying curled up against Shepard’s shoulder, in his bed, having completed their first round of penetrative sex. And all things considered, it had been a roaring success. Kaidan had been far more nervous than Shepard, concerned about hurting him, but they’d proceeded slowly and carefully, and after they’d both come, Kaidan had felt elated and pleased and so utterly _free_ , after so long of being afraid of himself and of everyone else.

His eyes were drooping now, Shepard already dozing lightly, and his mind drifted back over the weeks since he’d joined the Normandy, all the strange and unexpected things that had happened to bring them to this point. The shoot outs with the mechs, negotiating with Major Kyle, the terrible mission in the warehouse where he’d nearly died, saving Shepard’s life in the archives… Kaidan frowned suddenly. The archives…

“Shepard?” he asked suddenly, as a strange idea occurred to him.

“Hm?” Shepard sounded mostly asleep. But the question was too important to leave for the morning.

“How did Bailey know that your spectre codes had been used without authorisation?” Kaidan asked.

“What?” Shepard lifted his head. “What do you mean?”

“In the archives. He showed up with a bunch of officers, and he said they’d tracked us there because the spectre codes were used without authorisation. But he also said that they’d lost track of you. So why would he think that the codes were unauthorized, instead of just assuming you had deliberately accessed the vaults? And how did he know that I was the one to use them?” Bailey had directed the question to Kaidan, asking him for the explanation, not Shepard. “And for that matter, why was he monitoring spectre codes in the first place? That’s not C-Sec’s normal jurisdiction.”

Shepard sat up, suddenly wide awake. “He’d have to have known that I wasn’t able to be using the codes myself. Because I was somewhere else.”

“Like inside a sealed vault,” Kaidan said, not liking the conclusion he was reaching. 

“And he’d have to have known that you weren’t with me, making you the most likely person to have accessed the vaults to get us out…”

They stared at each other, both wanting to deny the evidence. But the conclusion was hard to deny. They’d both been played, right from the start. “I’m going to gut that son of a bitch,” Shepard growled, and it took Kaidan a moment to remind himself that that wasn’t the most appropriate course of action. 

“Take it to the council,” he advised, sounding just as angry as Shepard. “It’s not as good as a little one-on-one interrogation, but it makes for a bigger public spectacle. And a public humiliation for Bailey. And it’ll be a lot harder for the council to throw you in jail for curing the genophage if you simultaneously deliver a traitor into their hands. I’m not saying it’ll solve the whole problem, but it would have to ease the blow.”

“Bailey deserves to suffer for this,” Shepard insisted, and Kaidan nodded. 

“No doubt he does. But he’d also love to see you get locked up. And just think how pissed he’d be, knowing that he’s part of the reason for the council’s leniency. Besides, don’t you think the council will want him flayed for what he’s done? One way or another, there’s a hefty punishment coming his way.”

Shepard looked at him with a quizzical, intrigued expression. “You can be seriously devious, you know that?”

“Why, thank you,” Kaidan replied with a grin. “You did say I was getting the hang of this ship.”

And Shepard laughed. “That I did,” he agreed. “That I did.”

 

 

EDI had been busy, Kaidan realised, as he reviewed the data she had compiled about Bailey. And with each new development, his blood had boiled more. She’d hacked every inch of the C-Sec security system – thanks in large part to the information Eclipse had given them, along with a few access codes that the Shadow Broker had managed to buy from disgruntled C-Sec officers. The result was that she’d discovered the exact security codes used by Bailey, and determined that he, along with two other Captains, had been the ring leaders in the whole set up. One of the captains was now dead, but the other had gotten away with it scott free… or at least, he thought he had. 

But more staggering than the fact that he’d been not just a participant, but an instigator in the outrageous plans, was the galling confirmation that Bailey had been present inside the archives during Shepard’s imprisonment. He’d been there, lured him to his intended death, and played the innocent fool when Kaidan had rescued them. Attempted murder of a spectre was added to his already heavy list of crimes, and the whole crew had started baying for his blood.

But Kaidan had maintained his stance as a voice of reason in the heated debates that had fired up the conference room. Shepard had wanted to go in guns blazing, of course, but Kaidan had pointed out that more chaos and violence, when the council already had Shepard on very, very thin ice, was not going to help him at all. And when Shepard had argued that the galaxy would be better off if he made a new hole in Bailey’s chest and ripped his heart out, Kaidan had agreed. 

“No argument from me there,” he’d said. “But there are other ways to bring Bailey down. Send me, and Garrus, and James. Call in a favor from another spectre. Someone on the citadel must owe you something. But for god’s sake, don’t screw up your own trial to bring down a man as worthless as Bailey. You spend so much of your time doing what’s best for everyone else, for the galaxy, for the krogan, for this crew. Isn’t it time you did what was best for you, for once? Getting yourself kicked out of the spectres and probably into jail isn’t going to make anyone’s life better, least of all your own.”

And for all their anger at Bailey, the crew’s surprisingly plaintive faces had pulled Shepard up short. The Normandy wouldn’t be the Normandy without him. The crew would be lost, a major part of their lives taken away. And the galaxy would be worse off, Garrus had pointed out, with a sly wink at Kaidan. After all, if Shepard was in jail, who would stop the next Bailey, or free the next long-forgotten species, or blow up the next space station when it was overrun with a rogue AI… no offence to EDI, he had added.

And so, to their shock, Shepard had backed down. He’d contacted Jondum Bau – he’d helped the spectre out on an assignment a little while back – and arranged for him to meet Kaidan and Garrus and arrest Bailey in his absence. They were to bring Bailey to the council, where they could present evidence against him… and hopefully prove that despite his unwillingness to be called to heel, Shepard was still a spectre they could be proud of.

But in the end, as sometimes happens with even the best laid plans, luck threw them a bone.

Shepard had been warned that an armed escort would meet him at the Normandy’s airlock, the council not willing to risk another of his usual ‘stunts’ – which had earned Shepard an amused ‘I told you so’ from Kaidan. But what they hadn’t anticipated was who that escort would be. Half a dozen C-Sec officers, as predicted, but they were being led by none other than one Captain Bailey.

“Shepard,” he greeted the Commander, as if they were old friends. And from his perspective, Kaidan supposed, they still were. “Sorry to hear about the fuss. And about having to escort you like this. But I thought I should come. Lend you some moral support and all. Might even be able to put in a good word for you.”

Kaidan – and the rest of the squad, he was sure – held their breath. Despite agreeing to do this the peaceful way, Shepard was still livid over Bailey’s betrayal, and decking the man would no doubt be thoroughly satisfying…

But maybe some of Kaidan’s deviousness had rubbed off on Shepard after all. He merely nodded, a tight expression on his face. “I appreciate you coming,” he said to Bailey, and if he looked stressed, it could easily be put down to the trouble about the genophage. “Let’s get this over with.”

As they headed for the council chambers, Jondum Bau fell into line beside Kaidan, much to the disconcertion of C-Sec. He hadn’t noticed him, lurking beside the entrance, but he was grateful for his presence. Arresting a C-Sec officer was something no one on the Normandy besides Shepard had the authority to do, and expecting him to do it in the middle of his own trial was not in keeping with the calm, cooperative atmosphere they were trying to create. 

“More spectres involved in this?” Bailey asked, noticing Bau’s arrival, but the salarian merely shrugged. 

“Shepard’s done me a few favors in the past,” he said vaguely. “I thought I’d come and return one of them. Much like you’re doing,” he added, and Bailey seemed to find the explanation satisfactory.

“I’ve been trailing him for hours,” Bau murmured to Kaidan, when they were out of earshot. “Didn’t expect it to be this easy, but I guess we got lucky.”

“Thank you,” Kaidan said succinctly, and Bau smiled. 

The council, along with its newest human member, was waiting for them with grim faces. 

“Shepard,” the asari councilor acknowledged him. “I see you managed to make it here without blowing anything else up. And you’ve brought some krogan. How… convenient.” The was a wealth of disdain in her voice, but, like Shepard, Wrex had agreed to take the peaceful option today. He was well aware of how much was riding on this meeting, and, at the end of the day, the krogan still wanted to work with the council, to be a part of their vision for the future of the galaxy.

“This is Urdnot Wrex,” Shepard introduced him, “the leader of the united krogan on Tuchanka, and Bakara, a shaman for the females. They’ve come to discuss the future of the krogan in council space and to prove their willingness to work towards a peaceful outcome.”

“Words are easy,” the turian councilor said. “Actions carry far more weight.”

“Very true,” the asari agreed. “All right. Let’s hear what you have to say.”

“Of course,” Shepard agreed, but instead of beginning his explanation on the genophage, he activated his omni-tool, sending duplicate copies of the data EDI had gathered on Bailey to all four councilors. They looked down in surprise as their omni-tools beeped. 

“What is the meaning of this?” the asari demanded, as she skimmed through the data.

“I’m sorry to delay discussion of the genophage,” Shepard said, “but I believe this is a little more urgent, if of smaller consequence, in the big picture.”

Jondum drew his gun and aimed it at Bailey, quickly followed by Kaidan and Garrus. “Bailey, you’re under arrest,” he said sharply, and Bailey’s hand actually moved towards his own weapon before he realised how heavily the odds were stacked against him. 

“What the hell is this?”

“Captain Bailey,” the turian councilor repeated, having caught the gist of the data quickly. “You’re under arrest. For orchestrating the mech-hacking crime ring, for fabricating evidence, and for the attempted murder of a spectre. Bau, cuff him.” Bau did so with obvious satisfaction. 

“This is insane,” Bailey protested. “We caught the guys responsible for the crime ring-“

“Yes,” the salarian councilor agreed. “But unfortunately, the leader of a crime ring arresting a few of his underlings and called it a victory pales in comparison to catching the ring leader.”

Bailey turned to Shepard with a glare that could have stripped paint off the walls. “You traitor. We’ve been friends for years! I’ve helped you out a dozen times! You couldn’t cut me a little slack just once in my life?”

“You tried to kill me,” Shepard pointed out, venom thick in his voice. “I think that cancels out any favors I owe you. But if you really want a favor, consider the one where I didn’t shoot you the instant I stepped off the Normandy.”

“You will be tried according to council law,” the asari interrupted, clearly wishing to avoid any further violence. “And as the evidence Shepard has provided seems impressively thorough, I imagine you can look forward to a _very_ long stay in jail. Take him away.”

The rest of the C-Sec officers were looking on with gaping stares and bewildered astonishment, and the expectation of public humiliation for the Captain had been right on the money, Kaidan saw with satisfaction. Who said the only way to solve a problem was with a gun?

But instead of leading him away, Bau stepped forward instead. “May I address the council?” he asked. 

There was a moment’s confusion amid the councilors, and then the human councilor replied, “Yes. I would be interested to hear what you have to say.”

Bau cleared his throat. “I’m aware that Shepard was largely responsible for the cure of the genophage,” he said, without preamble. “And aware of the potentially disastrous outcome that that could have on the galaxy. If the krogan got out of control again, there’s no saying we could stop them, this time. But I would like to suggest that the decision to cure the genophage should be considered in light of the arrest of Captain Bailey. Shepard forwarded to me the evidence he has presented to you today and I have had time to study it in some depth. So I would like to express my respectful opinion that Shepard is exactly the sort of spectre we need. The C-Sec case was closed, a handful of suspects arrested, and he could have left it at that, gone back to his duties feeling satisfied about a good result for everyone concerned. But he didn’t. He looked deeper. He reexamined the evidence, searched beyond the obvious data, and uncovered the real truth behind these crimes. 

“When I was made a spectre, I was told that spectres are not trained. They are chosen. Chosen because they are individuals who have skills and dedication beyond the rank and file, who are willing to risk more and do more than an ordinary soldier. Shepard has proven today that he is exactly that sort of person. And if he has applied that same depth of thought and long-range consideration to the curing of the genophage, then I have every confidence that it was a wise and timely decision.”

Bau ended his speech with a slight bow, then turned and took Bailey by the arm, leading him from that chamber.

“A carefully considered plan? To unleash a rapidly breeding and highly aggressive species on the galaxy?” the asari councilor asked with disbelief. And Kaidan suddenly had the frantic thought that Shepard should absolutely not mention the rachni… okay, so the council already knew about that potentially disastrous decision, but they really didn’t need reminding right now…

But Shepard held his tongue, and the asari councilor continued. “If this was, in fact, a decision with even a modicum of thought and consideration behind it, then I would be most interested in hearing the evidence.”

Shepard stepped forward, giving a slight nod to Wrex as he went. “Let me begin, then,” he said, with confidence and just the slightest hint of reproof in his tone, “by detailing the full extent of my dealings with Urdnot Wrex. Because, as the leader of the krogan, and the only one in a thousand years who has managed to unite them for any kind of considered purpose, he has been instrumental in my decision to assist in the cure of the genophage…”

 

 

Three hours later, Kaidan found Shepard standing on the docks outside the Normandy. They could see almost a whole arm of the citadel from here, quite the view, with all the lights spread out before them. He went to stand beside the Commander, not saying anything, but wondering if Shepard would want to talk. It had been a stressful afternoon.

“You know… most of what Bau said about me in the council chambers isn’t true,” Shepard said softly. “I had declared it case closed, end of the line. We only went back to the evidence because _you_ noticed the fly in the ointment.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan admitted easily. “But I wasn’t the one who needed a get out of jail free card. And if you really want to assign responsibility, EDI did all the hacking, and analysed most of the data. Hell, you could even throw Eclipse in there, for their info on C-Sec.”

“It was a team effort.”

“Exactly. Besides, if I keep this up, maybe they’ll just make me the second human spectre.”

He’d meant the suggestion as a joke. But Shepard looked at him sideways, a crafty, devious look on his face. “That’s not a bad idea.”

They lapsed into silence, simply taking in the view. “You know why I love this ship so much?” Shepard asked sometime later, and Kaidan shook his head. “Because no one on it has ever, _ever_ stabbed me in the back.” 

Kaidan was stunned at the announcement. “Really?”

“People have made mistakes. Bad ones. And we’ve gotten into some serious trouble because of it,” Shepard explained. “But they were always honest mistakes, things done with the best of intentions, even if they lacked good judgment. And I’m not going to hold that against anyone. God knows I’ve made my share of bad calls.” He turned his head and tugged Kaidan closer, kissing him lightly. “Thank you. For convincing me to go the gentle route with the council. I can’t stand that bunch of bureaucratic head-cases on a good day… but today, they made a good call.”

“Which happened to be the one that kept you out of jail, and let you keep serving on the finest ship in the Alliance,” Kaidan pointed out, aware of the heavy bias in Shepard’s opinion. 

“That too,” he said, with a wry grin. “Now… let’s get this motley crew together and get out of here. Somewhere out there in the galaxy,” he said, turning back to the view, “there’s got to be something that needs to be blown up.”

The End.


End file.
